Yes he was. Does it really matter what he did? Is there a determination or gauge of abuse. One thing is worse than the other? I don't believe that. Abuse is abuse.
Hitting doesn't always hurt worse than words. Neglect can be the most extreme form of abuse. Being ignored or treated like a piece of furniture is not better than being punched.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Thanks for the validation. It's been really hard, but no regrets.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
There are no winners in divorce. As grueling and taxing as it is, there's profound relief when it's done.
You've always been a survivor. Welcome to the wonderful world of livers.. (not the organ!) How beautiful to have your energy and vitality freed for what is most important in life.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
When one person is incapable or unwilling to recognizing another person's reality and perspective, you have abuse.
This describes a disagreement, not abuse
A disagreement is when you recognize how the other person feels and how they view the situation, but you view it differently and feel differently. You do not have to agree with a person to recognize their perspective and reality.
Abuse is when the other doesn't even acknowledge that your feelings are your feelings, that your viewpoint is your viewpoint.
Or if those are acknowledged as existing at all, insisting that you are wrong to feel the way you feel. Or that you are in error about your personal experience when you have just clearly and honestly conveyed it to him.
Most of all, it is not caring how you feel, what you think, or what you need. It is being treated as non-existent as a person in your own right.
That, I believe, is how cookie's H treated her and it is emotional abuse.
It has to be safe for her to take her heart out. She needs to realize that you are ready, willing, and able to lisen to her pain and her anger. That you want to be there for her emotionally. That you will validate her perception and her reality even if it differs from yours.
Thanks. I'm trying. I've validated everything. It doesn't matter. And I don't have much hope anymore. She seems so much happier without me and ultimately that's what I want. I feel like a coward that I can't give her the one thing that I have to make her happy, the divorce. I can't hold on to her and I'm having a lot of trouble maintaining hope. I really lucked out with her and I'll have to deal with my mistakes for the rest of my life.
Your advice is good, but I doubt the M is salvageable. It doesn't mean that I won't make use of that wisdom. She still deserves to feel that I will listen to her.
Thank you again.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
He says he'll change, he'll do anything, to make her happy. He says his family is the most important thing to him. She doesn't believe him. She's numb. Her heart is safely in that box. He tries, she watches. He tries some more, she watches. He's dying now. She's numb. Now he wants the pain to stop. She's numb. She wonders why did things have to go this far before he would hear me ? Now she doesn't want to talk to him. She's numb. Talking to him reminds her how much she used to hurt, she can see it in his eyes now. Her survival instincts kick in, at least she doesn't hurt now. She's numb.
This stood out the most to me. I don't think there is anything to add to it. Just,
