HA! I got this one too. Except my version was "I don't know where you are getting your advice." It means you did the right thing. Good for you.
Let me get this straight. SHE had an A and SHE is gonna take YOU for all your worth? It doesn't work that way. In some states (and mine is one of them) an A bears on custody and is grounds for NO alimony. NONE.
Great move to get back in the MB. DON'T LEAVE IT AGAIN.
Now that you have taken back the MB try to go dark, detach/NC. If she is already asking for a D and you want to stop it the best course of action is NC. She can't fight with you if you don't take her bait. Don't discuss the D and don't help her. She might not be able to get it together enough to push for the D. Do not feed into her, the fighting gives her power. You want to take her power away. Don't rush into anything, if you are not sure post here and get some opinions. If she wants a D she will have to Sep. Make her move out. Do not be afraid of a D it will only give her more power and it is only a piece of paper. You are a long way off from it.
Thanks for all the words of support. Today I slept in. I was comfortable in the MB. I feel like my W and my positions have changed. She feels that I am trying to “break her” now. A few weeks ago, I was in the opposite position. When I came downstairs my W was sitting there. I said “good morning” and got a grunt for a reply. Then she asked me why I contacted that woman, this was obviously bothering her a lot. I told her that I just asked how her Christmas went, what’s the big deal?
I then I shot it back at her “why did you contact your HS BF and have lunch with him multiple times and talk on the phone for hours and text him back and forth?” We played this card back and forth for a while, and she eventually caved and told me.
With tears in her eyes....“I felt like I was an appendage to you, a slave. A tail. I wanted to talk with someone who knew me before I was married and had kids.” This guy talked with her about her triathlon accomplishments and gave her lots of words of affirmation and emotional support, things that I failed to give her like he did. In the past, supported her gave her affirmation, and told her how I felt but she would retort with “no you don’t” and “why”. I suppose I lacked elsewhere.
She maintains that she never was physical with this guy and has not sought any contact since I discovered her EA. She has also stopped contact with another guy that she worked out with and texted all the time since I talked to his wife, and told him to cool it with her. She calls him a wimp, which show me that she is looking for a real “man” that maintains his boundaries.
I eventually opened up and told her I was making my best effort to change and that I understood where I failed her. I was making an effort to listen to her and understand her love languages.
She continued to push me for a reason that I contacted the woman. She gave me her reason which was: it had been two months since we had been together and I was selfishly looking for some action and also wanted someone who would idolize me. This is what she was thinking and it was so far off base I couldn’t let her think this was true, so and in a moment of weakness, I caved. I told her I wanted to see her response. She said “that is so junior high and I was manipulating and using this other woman for my own gain.” I suppose she is right, but I only asked how her Christmas was. How could this be leading this other woman on?
She maintains that I was being selfish and not protective of her by forcing her to move out to the garage apt. I told her that we were married and that I was moving back in, it was her choice that she moved out. I didn’t make her go. She says it’s too late to do anything. “We are finished!”
My W says she is going to stay out in the garage apt until the spring and then the house is going up for sale. She has a little bit of power back now. I have some power back and a few more months to get this right. The anger and yelling has stopped. I suppose I need some guidance and suggestions on where to go from here.
She wants me to box up all my books in the apt and get all my stuff out of there and make it hospitable for her. Should I do this?
R2C I have the “art of seduction” and I am going to read it at work. She will never see this one....Ever!
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
She continued to push me for a reason that I contacted the woman. She gave me her reason which was: it had been two months since we had been together and I was selfishly looking for some action and also wanted someone who would idolize me. This is what she was thinking
Best response "I can see why you would think that" AND SHUT UP AND LISTEN SOME MORE. She will tell you things.
Quote:
I told her I wanted to see her response. She said “that is so junior high and I was manipulating and using this other woman for my own gain.” I suppose she is right, but I only asked how her Christmas was. How could this be leading this other woman on?
DO NOT REVEAL YOUR TRUE INTENTIONS. Let her imagination go wild and then listen, empathize and validate...
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
It never ceases to amaze me that even extremely well educated people (ie. doctors) have no clue about the psychology of human nature.
Your wife was testing you, she kept pushing and then you admitted that you "caved in". Can I ask why? This was a test, her poking and prodding was her trying to get you to reveal what you are doing and you eventually folded because she was going to start displaying some crocodile tears. My question is, and be honest, how much did you cave in? What did you reveal?
When she mentioned that you were "... selfishly looking for some action and also wanted someone who would idolize you", you could have replied back that she was doing the same thing in her own situation.
Cheaters lie period!
Just because she told you it never progressed past talking & text msg's doesn't mean you have to take that answer at face value. The first conversation that you have that reveals some info and you believe that she was going to be 100% honest with you in every detail? Are you really that naive? Isn't this the same person that had you move into your garage apartment to sleep there for 2 months? I'm sure she had your best intentions in mind when she did that, I'll tell you now she didn't, she didn't care at all, especially with her thoughts on the OM.
When she says things like you are being "so junior high", turn it around, stand up for yourself and tell her that she was being "so junior high!", texting and talking to OM behind your back. She cheats and she comes out clear and smelling like roses because you turn things around and give her a taste of her own medicine? Do you see that she did this, and she did a good job too because she made you feel guilty although she displayed no real remorse for what she was doing? She is an adult too, the standard she is holding you too (so junior high) can be applied to her as well, she has a mouth, she could have sat you down and said "hey this is how I feel, I need this and I want this from you", but instead she went behind your back and pursues the OM. There is a clue in that behavior as well.
Stop pursuing. She wants to chase, in fact most women in this position will want to chase what they want. You chasing her won't bring her back to you, it will do the opposite.
When she brings up selling the house in the spring, you agree with her. Tell her that she should see a lawyer, tell her you've already retained one, tell her that you aren't going to live with someone who would cheat on you, it's just not worth your time & effort.
She calls you selfish for wanting female attention because you didn't get any for 2 months?! Call her selfish because she wanted male attention because she didn't get any for whatever amount of time she claims her life has been so unpleasant.
Don't be afraid to stand up to her. These are tests. She tests you because she is insecure but also she tests you because if you can't stand up to her when she is like this, you validate her insecurity, you aren't the man that she can feel secure with, you aren't the man that can protect her, you aren't masculine enough for her, you are failing her tests and each time you do this, you are just proving that she is making the right decisions about you and splitting up with you.
From now on, you will view any & all interactions with her as a test. She is testing you every second of every minute. You know this now, I'm telling you this, you have no freakin' excuses now. I don't care about the crocodile tears or the explanations for her behavior, she is testing you.
Excuses don't explain and explanations don't excuse. You can use that on her every time she tries to explain why she contacted the OM or spoke to him, etc.
You aren't held to a higher standard than she is. If she can explain her crappy behavior away while you're held liable for your actions, that is wrong, it's a double standard, wake up and see this for what it is.
The next time you get into a discussion or argument on this and she explains her behavior, you tell her, "no thanks, that's just a crappy excuse for your behavior and excuses don't explain and explanations don't excuse!" Don't crack under her pressure, remember while she is planning to leave you, every interaction with her is a test because she is validating her reasons for leaving you. It's a subconscious instinct that is driving this on her part, it's autopilot at this point, you have to know this and realize this and respond accordingly.
She is interested in your interactions with the other woman, her insecurity is showing, keep it up. Start going out as well, regularly, a couple times a week to be sure, dress up like you're going on a date with a new woman, don't give any details, just do it.
Women test men.
I have said this a few times already, no more excuses on your part for "caving in", I don't want to hear that crap excuse come out of your mouth anymore, I'm not being a hard a$$ with you, I'm being real, and you need to realize this when you are talking with her.
The next argument you get into, you will also do this (no trying, you do it or you don't do it, one or the other, no half assed attempts are allowed),
"You will calm down when you're talking to me and you will watch your language and the name calling or I'll just turn my back on you and leave, I've decided I've had enough of your crap behavior, life is too short to waste like this!"
.... and you turn your back and walk away.
You have to do this a few times, but it will work. She'll get it in her head that you won't tolerate crap behavior from her anymore, this is the respect issue, you command respect because you respect yourself.
As for the books in the apartment and getting it ready for her.
NO.
I'm assuming her legs & arms aren't broken, if she wants, she can box them up and move them herself. She didn't help you when she made you move there, you don't need to help her when moving there either. She's a big girl, she can take care of it herself. If she squawks about this, tell her to clean up her crap in the master bedroom (come up with a list of stuff you want out of there) and if she takes care of that, then you can clean up that spare apartment (in an equal amount, you don't have to do anything for her anymore, remember this).
Continue doing that text thing, start going out regularly, start tanning, start looking better, get yourself some different style clothes, get a new haircut & style, appear new, in fact you have to do this. She has ideas and opinions attached to your current existing image, she sees you and attaches her current feelings towards you. Start looking different, start detaching from her, limit communication and start going out and see that her tune will change.
When she bullies you, call her on it. "You're being a bully and that doesn't work on me anymore, just an FYI so you can stop anytime, I'm not scared of you"
Every interaction with her is a test, EVERY interaction with her is a test.
Read this a million times.
She doesn't respect you, that's why she was seeking another man, she wants someone who is more masculine than you are, you can be that masculine person but it involves changing how you act towards her. No more Mr.Nice Guy, no more caving in when she gives you excuses & crocodile tears, when she acts crappy, call her on it, and stand up for yourself.
If you can't stand up to her, how could she expect that you would stand up for her if the need for this ever existed?
Don't be an a$$hole but don't be a pussycat either, that's not masculine.
She can do whatever she wants but you control you and don't let her actions control or intimidate you.
It's all counter-intuitive and it will be difficult to assimilate this into your brain and actually start doing this but that's ok, it's good for you & every man to learn this stuff, time to de-program whatever crap was put into your head that led you to this current situation and it's time for you to learn what will help carry you forward.
2010 is around the corner, so is the new you, no more BS excuses from you on why you can't do this, they're just excuses and you know what I said about excuses above.
And remember.... SHE IS TESTING YOU EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE IS AROUND YOU AND TALKS TO YOU.
Stand up to her and stand up for yourself, detach from this outcome, assume you're already divorced, GAL, be a great father for your kids, don't involve or invite her to do anything with you, if she wants to do something with you and the kids, she will ask and it will be your decision, this is what will turn things around.
Are you on board? If not, you better get ready to be on board with all of this!
Robx Will this really work? She was indeed bothered about this other woman thing. It seems if I did what you are suggesting it would drive her away. Anyway, thanks for the pep talk. I'm going for it.
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
