After dropping off S7 at W's apartment yesterday, I spent Saturday afternoon/night by myself. The roads were still very snowy/icy and the temps were forecast to be in the teens. Surprisingly, I held together very well, almost relaxed. I'm starting to become a lot more comfortable alone. Thought some about all the nights that I spent alone after S7 went to bed, waiting until 2-3am for W to come home from wherever she had been. How anxious, jealous and angry I used to be. At least now, I know that I'm not waiting for anyone.
Worked a while on the calender/timeline of past visitations by W since she left. Trying to get everything prepared for D atty on Monday afternoon. Talked to a few friends for a bit. Actually climbed in my warm bed at 9pm and watched a movie (Extract...ehhh, definitely not Office Space). Until last night, I hadn't turned on the bedroom TV since W left. Watching shows and movies in bed was something we did together. Turned out the lights and went to sleep around 11:30. It's been a very long, stressful Christmas.
Got up this morning, after sleeping in until 10 (first time since W left) and completed my calender/timeline. The journaling here helped more than the log I had been keeping. I just need to get the remainder of the financial/asset information pulled together for my appt. tomorrow.
I picked up S7 at 3pm sharp, like we agreed. Didn't say much to W other than to ask about a few items that appeared to be missing from his bag (she found them). I was upbeat, and greeted my son happily, but treated W like a mere acquaintance. She mentioned that they hadn't gone anywhere because her truck was still stuck in the snowdrift in front of the apartment. I didn't respond. Wished everyone a good day and left.
W leaned over the railing of her apartment stairs as I was leaving asking me about this week, while S7 is still out of school. I told her that I had already made all the arrangements, and that S7 will be taken care of. She asked if she could come get him one morning, and drop him off somewhere before she went to work. I asked her to call me and we'd talk about it, that we could probably work something out.
As I was walking to the car with S7 and an armful of stuff, my phone started ringing. I ignored it, as I couldn't set the stuff down on the ground to even see who was calling. As I put the items in the trunk, it rang again and I answered. It was W telling me that she really needed to get that check (her "allowance") from me. I calmly told her "That's not going to happen." She said "What?", and I repeated myself. She said that I had signed a paper saying that I'd pay it until January 1st. I said "You signed a paper saying that you'd be committed to our marriage. I'll talk to you later." and hung up.
Probably the wrong thing to say, but I was biting my tongue to not just unleash on her, and I never raised my voice or sounded angry, just stated it matter-of-factly.
Took S7 to the grocery store to pick up some food/toiletries and to the bank to deposit my paycheck, came home and made dinner. Getting ready to help S7 finish up a Solar System model that we worked on Saturday morning.
I've gone two days without breaking down/crying now, although I can still feel it quivering deep inside. I'm very anxious about filing for D tomorrow, and even more nervous about her possible reactions to me asking for full-custody of S7 when she gets served later this week. She does not have the money to hire an atty to fight me on this, but I'm still scared to death.
I keep reminding myself that she's not my responsibility anymore. I also have to keep reminding myself that even if she were to do a 180 and come begging for me back, saying how bad of a mistake she had made and that she loved me and wanted to be a family again...I wouldn't ever be able to trust her again. And most likely it would happen all over again and I would be back at square 1 once again. I can't let myself be that vulnerable again. I've got to go through with this D and move on with my life without her as my W.
Guess this will end my thread here on Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs. Starting up a new one on Surviving D soon.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
