Looking for Advice

[sandi2]

Sandi ~ the first time your wrote this (re:going deeper undercover), it really threw me, b/c I saw the same post from Gutw'ing as "she's coming around". Not that I can't be wrong and I don't have first hand acquaintance with this part of a breakup...but really? Does it have to be that she's going deeper undercover?

I can see why a person would see that statement from his W being a sign of hope, but I have thought hard and can't remember a single time that the WAW in an EA didn't try to continue some sort of communication with her OM.....after she had been caught. I don't mean to imply that she'll never stop with the EA....but she'll have to try at least once more. I think it is part of the profile (for a lack of better description). The fact that she continues to be very angry at him (especially over the FB) instead of being embarrassed & ashamed of her actions....is not a good sign. Even when they feel ashamed, they'll try to continue the EA....but when she is so angry at her H, that's really not a good sign that she is ready to stop.

When the WAW is in an EA, she is emotionally D from her H and in most cases begins to see herself as already being "faithful" to her OM......by doing things...like not allowing her H to see her undress, etc. So the fact that he caught her in her lies is not enough for her to stop dead in her tracks and make a huge turn-around to start working on the M. Some women even promise to start going to MC or whatever, but that is more of a cover-up or to pacify the H, than anything else. And that is what throws the H off guard.

These are just a couple of things that has stood out to me since she told him that they needed to talk more:

I know for a fact she is looking at his facebook account a few times a day and it appears to me to some subliminal communication. She writes on FB "I wish you were here" and he is posting on FB on how he wishes there was snow

she says I should have the courtesy to let him tell his wife if it gets to that point.

Whenever the WAW in an EA is still "feeding" her addiction, then she is not through with OM. In that next quote, I read that she is still thinking there is a "possibility" of getting to that next step with OM.

The only time I saw her say anything that even looked a bit remorseful was when she admitted "she" had been naughty this year....and that she did not deserve her H's gift. But she may have simpy admitted it, but not felt the sorrow.

Greek, if I had not experienced having the EA, I would never believe some of this stuff, but sadly, it is true. I don't want Gutw'ing to set himself up for disappointment by being too trusting.

I appreciate what you said about your children. Different people do act in different ways when they are caught, and I sincerely hope I am wrong about this one, but "usually" she will try to keep the EA or find another man b/c she is addicted. If one of your children were on drugs (God forbid) and got busted....he/she may be sorry and may even make promises....but when that craving kicked in, they would start looking for some way to get a fix. Getting caught isn't enough. That's why there has to be some sort of long term plan. Talking is a good place to start, but I just don't think she is sincere right now. She's still fighting him about OM.

So, GW, I hope you are reading this and I'll add this last quote to you.

Question: on the phone bill which right now only I have access too...do I offer to open up the access to that? The account is actually in her name, but I have the id and password for the account. So with a phone call, she could get that changed and lock me out...so do I show some good faith and offer to keep the phone records open/shared?

I say no. B/c of reasons I just explained. I read something on Dr. Harley's website that he and his W of many years did not trust each other to have friends (of the opposite sex) that did not include the other spouse. Of course, you would have to read what all he had written, but it made perfect sense to me. I know you are so eager to get your R back on track, but need I remind you that it did not get here over-night and it will take a long time to get healthy. You are expecting too much too quickly and she is simply trying to get you to settle down. So don't be trusting. In fact, she knows that she does not deserve your trust, so don't apologize or even try to hide the fact that you are not prepared to trust her. Don't you think she should have to prove herself for a while? Why should you "show good faith"? That is just the point.....she has not been faithful, so I think she needs to show that she can be trusted again. She needs to be the one working hard here.