how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[avermont]

Cutter, you have never been more right.

Woe to those who will not detach! Who ask their xMIL for information! I am set back several months of healing.

I just wanted to know if it was "safe" to go to the bar. If I can get past the inevitable event of seeing them together, I might be able to make progress. At this point, it is a giant looming boogyman waiting to jump out at me.

So I asked; I find out he is giving OW grand tour of family; I am shattered.

At my sister's right now; tomorrow fly to NM to spend a week. Hopefully be busy enough to regain some ground.

Thanks for all your support. I am just about cried out now.

I so now see the value of detaching. Back to work on that.

[rockedworld]

Hey Aver,
I think Cutter is right too. Detaching is necessary, but not easy. Probably one of the hardest things you will ever do. But you need to. And you are strong enough. YOu can do it. In the meantime, hope your trip gives you much needed GAL time!
Hang in there!
Rocked

[avermont]

I hope to do nothing but detach now. Lot's of rubber band on the wrist snapping.
I am taking hope and putting a stake thru it's heart, stringing garlic around it's neck, and burning it at midnite.

Today is tuff because it's all airline travel and delays and sitting.

Stockdale paradox full speed ahead.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Avermont,

I would like you to consider my POV on detachment:

Staying in the present is detachment. As soon as you let your mind fear the future (IE WILL H/OW be at the location I WANT TO GO) you lose detachment. Knowing how you will respond to "THE WORST" is wise. If I see H/OW at bar, I will continue to have a good time. I will not give them any attention.

[LookingFrAnswers]

[quote=avermont]I feel like I am the only one here in this particular sitch. I know that can't be true; I'm thinking only of my own pain.

But I haven't found any other threads where the WAS just...completely...walked away. Said the words: I'm done. And seems to be just exactly that.

]
Hi Avermont, I just read your thread (only this one not your others) & my sitch is a bit similar in that H told me he didnt' "feel anything" anymore one day & within 2 weeks he moved out. That was in March 09. After 11 yrs. of marriage, yes, my H basically did just that. In fact, I even have it in an email from him the words "I'm done with the marriage". Just in case they ever stopped being burned in my brain! We don't have kids, just 2 dogs. And he pretty much walked away from everything.

We also have a rental property, but no tenants currently. We tried to get some this summer (what fun) but no bites. I think its because prospective tenants sensed the negative energy from our house & stayed away!

At first he moved in w his (male) friend. Now I believe he is living w OW however he has denied an A, & communication has gone from poor to pretty much non-existent. Except, as with you when it's time to pay the bills.

You are getting great advice here & I really can't add to it. I know it sounds conflicting but there is more than 1 way to skin a cat (sorry cat lovers) & different things work for different people. I think you are doing great & sounds like you're doing everything right. When this all happened I did everything wrong. About a mo. later I found the DR book, & then this site. That first month was hell. I have to hand it to you on telling your BF to move out at the beginning & taking the lead on formalizing things. I havent' been real good at that part of things.

I just wanted to say I think you're doing a great job & you have my support. I'll continue to read your thread & if I can offer good input I definitely will. Peace to you in the new year.

[avermont]

Thanks for your support. My X left for an OW, so as much as that s@&ks, there was a reason.

I keep contacting xMIL, so keep losing ground on detaching.

How are you doing with that? Have you talked D, or are you still in limbo land?
The complete lack of comm, while helpful for detaching, is just insane.

How can they just say...nothing?

I will look for your threads. I'm in a real down time right now and I really do appreciate the support.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Sweetie,

Sorry to hear this. All I can suggest is to keep working on you. That is the only thing you can control. All the Dbing works with other relationships also. Take time to mourn the loss of the relationship and heal.

Let us know how else we can help.

HUGS

[avermont]

You are absolutely right, R2C. Unfortunately, I have always found that a difficult thing to do. And me an aspiring Buddhist.

[avermont]

Help and advice, please! Maybe Puppy can weigh in?

Is this totally failing at detachment, or exposing the A?:
Find out from MIL ( who knows the whole story and is on my side) that X is taking OW to NYE party at uncle's on other side of family. They are not at all close; totally weird to go there for NYE.

Only reason is to introduce OW and see how the fam takes her.

I don't know if anyone on that side knows the story. It kills me to think X will spin a story of..mutual breakup, all OK...then I just happen to meet this fabulous woman!

If I tell "my side" to one of them (have FB friends) is that exposing the ? Or just beating my head and heart to pieces and looking bitter to boot?

Darn it, I have been part of that family for 23 years! Do I get to be heard at all?!

Swing the 2x4's!

[Ready2Change]

((( avermont )))

I am sorry you have to go through this.

You have two choices.

1) Exposes the A and live with the consequences.

2) Take your focus off of him and put it right on YOU. I lean toward this path. What is so attractive about a man that is cheating on you? Let his A go it's natural way. They typically burn out. MIL and immediate family know the truth, that should be enough.