Over these long mos. I have had time to think @ my role in this mess, and realize how my actions & inactions contributed. 1 thing I can't yet get my mind around is how he could never never talk to me @ his feelings/pain. And though this hurts so much I can barely let myself think about it, the fact that he ran from me to his friends & now I know i certain "friend" - this hurts more than anything. Perhaps I'm not ready to forgive. My H has stopped talking to me and has initiated legal separation.
I've been thinking I want him to confess to me. I feel disrespected and abused. He must have suffered too. As I said on on MO3's thread, could I have really been that blind or did I need to be a mind reader?
I knew things were far from perfect but I always thought if anything were going that wrong we could work through it. I made the fatal mistake of believing my H could never stray. I wanted to be the "cool" wife, who was never jealous or upset that H was staying out increasingly later & more frequently. And we were talking less and less. And when I tried to talk to him @ R ("pursuing" though I didn't know it then) & he shut down I let him be. I never had the chance to make it up, or even get an explanation from him. Bomb, and within 2 weeks he was gone. I didn't even find this board until almost 2 mos. after that so I really didn't get a chance to DB, in the usual sense. But yet I have learned through others on this board & my DB coach there are still things I can do. And most importantly, the only person, the only thing I have control over is myself. That has always been the case of course but it's like some new concept to me, that I have to keep remembering. I want to thank all of you for sharing on here and helping me through. I'm still looking for answers but thanks to you I'm learning where to look. Peace to all.
