I need help please

[newmama]

First off, I feel so bad for your kids. My emotional response is to leave him and find a better man to replace him as the kids' stepdad. But DBing isn't about listening to your emotions.

Bestrong what do you say to the kids? How do you comfort them when their dad flakes out and neglects them? Or are they just used to this by now? You said you were shocked. It's NC Hammer time....sorry it is time for dark NC. That is me thinking logically IMO. NC for this cold alien who isn't your H.

The number 1 advantage of scheduling is - there is no room for flexibility at the start. Flexibility leads to arguments, anger, grief, hassle and tantrums. Agree a strict schedule and adhere to it unless there is an emergency.

Sorry BS. I've been here before. Schedules are the ONLY way to go IMO.

it's true.WRITTEN down. I think you go NC, letter or no, and schedule the times he can talk to his kids. So that way, when/if he calls, the kids can answer, not you.

I'm glad you and the kids had a fun time at your friend's house playing games! They will always remember that! As well as the fact that dad wasn't there :-(

((bestrong))

[bestraongforyou]

newmama, instead of talking with the kids about their Dad I am just there for them when he screws up - we will go today and see the movie he promised to watch with them - he stopped by this morning to say good bye and is now on the way to the airport with his sister.

WAH had promised to have a look at the leak over X-Mas but just glanced at it quickly this morning and left.I will get that also sorted in January.I have decided that it's time to stop worrying about his reactions.

I got a few financial documents signed by him this morning so I don't need to contact him anymore and have set up a standing order from our joint account to my own one for the weekly support to be transferred from the 7th of January on - by that date my payment is in my account too so I am ok financially from then on.

I think this X- Mas has opened my eyes to the reality a little more and not in a good way - I am not even sure if my husband is still in his body somewhere or is this selfish man all that's left???

It's time for a dark NC!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not sure yet if I will write a letter or not. He will receive a last email from me beginning of January to outline when he can contact the kids.

I always wanted to go NC to get my husband back but now I think first of all I have to heal to a certain extent - it helped me a lot already that finally the truth about the "tenant story" came out.My gut feeling was correct and that's good.

[bestraongforyou]

Another thing happened this morning and I am not sure how to take this - WAH brought present by for the boys from his family - I also got 2 presents of his parents. I opened them after WAH and his sister left - thank god, I waited.

The first one was a lovely bathset and before I opened the second one I could feel a basket through the wrapping paper and said jokingly " I hope they didn't give me my X-Mas present back"

I opened it and was speechless - it was MIL's birthday in April and my oldest and I had put a basket together for her - perfume, candles i.e. and she gave it back to me today - excluding the chocolate and card - I had read about recycling presents but never actually experienced it. My first thought was "Recession" but then I thought then she wouldn't have given me the second "new present" if it would be a money issue.

[newmama]

I always wanted to go NC to get my husband back but now I think first of all I have to heal to a certain extent

This makes complete sense! I understand. Fortunately,it should be easier to go NC with him out of the country.

As for your gift from your MIL, you said his side of the family wasn't crazy about you, right? Because of things WH told them? Sorry, bestrong--how rude to get your gift back!

[bestraongforyou]

newmama, I didn't think that included my MIL and FIL to be honest - but even if she forgot that it came from me originally she till passed it on which I have never done.

It think the worst was that my oldest recognized the present which he helped pick at the time.

[wifeleft2009]

you know I dont want to defend them but from what I have seen in my stitch the inlaws get just as upset and confused.. even if they don't act it or say it... trust me they do. and this might just be a case where they can't think correctly and never thought about what they did

just remember a D hurts more than the two people who were married but everyone who was close

[bestraongforyou]

wifeleft2009, I won't mention it anyway - what's the point - I am just very disappointed if it was done on purpose.

Does no family member find it funny that my husband decides overnight that he wants a divorce, just like that - ok if we were a couple who fought a lot but we didn't. Does none of them
ever stop and think - maybe my daughter in law is right and there is more to this divorce story then just a stupid shop?

I guess no point dwelling anymore - it's their loss not mine.

[Day by Day]

I got a few financial documents signed by him this morning so I don't need to contact him anymore and have set up a standing order from our joint account to my own one for the weekly support to be transferred from the 7th of January on - by that date my payment is in my account too so I am ok financially from then on.

Sorry I haven't read your complete thread. Have your filed for legal separation to get the standing order of weekly support?

I'm with you on not understanding how WAH's family doesn't see it how he could all of a sudden just decide to get a divorce when we rarely ever fought. My MIL was living with us for months and saw for herself!

Yep... their loss.

[bestraongforyou]

day by Day - I need to wait another 6 months to file for a legal separation as I can't proof imfidelity while we were still together.

WH wants me out of the joint account - now he can have it. We have agreed on the weekly support figure between ourselves.

[Day by Day]

I forgot... you are in Ireland.

Glad you got an agreement for the weekly support. That's a relief.

How're you going to do the dark NC while having kids? I'd like to know more about your outline for how he can contact the kids. Sounds like something I should do. I feel I've let WAH have me at his mercy for when he visits the kids. I like your plan.