Here's what I did...I became a parent, I think, to my husband instead of his wife. I was the financially responsible one--he was the opposite. I worked way too much because I felt like I had to. I gave into his whims. He was responsible for the yard, laundry and planning leisure time. I was responsible for everything else. He became the "fun" one. I became a workaholic--with 2 small boys that demanded what little attention I had left. He wanted romance. I wanted a partner. While we had always had a good sexual relationship, I felt more and more distant from him and didn't share my feelings about it clearly enough. Romance wasn't much on my mind. I felt like I had to work as hard as I could so he could have as much fun as he wanted, which was ridiculous. But I remember telling him that. As the boys got older, I wanted to share more of our lives together. He didn't want to share mine--so I let myself be erased. I shared his life--his family, friends, etc. But he wasn't interested in my life. Eventualy, I lost myself. I expressed my loneliness during the last few years of our marriage--he said that we'd have time to do things together when the kids went to college (that would be about 10 years away!). Eventually, he had a affair. I worked very, very hard to try to get back on track, after recognizing the crisis. We didn't ever fight. We both had a hard time identifying and expressing our feelings. I paid for counselling, Retrouvaille, the whole 9 yards. He came along, but his heart wasn't in it. It took me too long to be "done", but I do feel like I did everything I could to save my family. So, in that sense, I don't have regrets.
Its interesting that my siblings recently said they always knew he would have an affair--from the earliest days of our marriage. That he would make comments a lot about other women. My brother said that he joked during the first year of our marriage that he could trade me in after 10 years, like a car.
I'm sad that I didn't draw boundaries in my marriage. I'm sad that I was unhappy for so long and that I let myself be erased. I DID THAT PART. I couldn't seem to work less and have more fun or more of a connection. Eventually, it seemed like if I just loved him enough he would finally come around and love me back. But he doesn't/didn't. I'm not sure he ever did, actually. He loved me early on, when we were dating. I think the real me never lived up to the fantasy me. I think the OW will probably end up the same.
I've learned a lot about being a grown up in a relationship, about setting boundaries and how to express feelings earlier/better. I hope that I've learned enough that there will be a next time, and that next time I'll get it right!
