i have read about going dark...with kids, how to do this?
I started by just totatly not talking at all. If you feel you need to say something just make it short and validate whatever he is saying. I am sleeping in the same bed as my alien. We have big bed and we sleep on opposite sides. Don't touch. I have to make my own food, wash my own clothes. Basically we are separated but living together.
Your number one priority is your children. You focus on them and making their life good! With time we have started comunicating more but mostly all business type conversations. No talk about R. She told me that we should Sep. and I should move out of the house. I said NO you move out. End of conversation. My W is very depressed and she goes back in her tunnel and leaves me alone. You need to set some boundaries to protect yourself.
There is an article on detachment on the livestrong website. I will see if I can find you a link.
Gno suggested you reread your own threads you have gotten good suggestions, look at them again.
my h was told all about what is going on by his own physician...i realize it went in one ear and out the other...
this is what angers me... he knows, cant accept and will not get help.
it is easier for him to let it all go...
another ?
someone else told me the anger, nastiness...is the guilt, a defense mechanism...true or false?
was also told that anger is a sister to love?
the mood swings are killers...this is why i need to detach...all of it.
i am by nature one who needs to understand. i have read and read and will continue to do so. how do you just let it go?
yes, i know this is what i must do. i have been given excellent advice that i will begin following again, never really stopped, im just recovering from such a meltdown...
i dont want to sound pitiful, truly that is why i went out looking for DR to begin with.i hate this, i hate that the man i wanted to spend my life with is doing nothing but screaming divorce, its over, youll be doing without me...
these words hurt! i get this is why the detachment is needed and i will do it. it still hurts tho...
Last edited by lost1234; 12/27/0901:32 PM.
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
Yes, but you can only be angry on this board. Not to him!!!! It will give him power and you do not want to do that. Vent here as much as you want. I won't take it personally and neither will anyone else.
In order to take back your power, you need to detach, leave him alone and live your life as if he is never coming back. You have to think of him as being on a very long, round the world trip or even deceased.
You have to become very independent, do things for yourself, and find ways to keep busy. Make a list of those projects that you've put on the back burner for a long time and start doing them. Check them off as you complete them. Do not rely on him for anything because he's a mess.
The anger is guilt. The anger is what fuels his justification for leaving you and your family. It has absolutely nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. It's all about him and his childhood issues that need to be resolved.
Anger is part of the grieving process and yes, you are allowed to be angry. However, come here to vent and find a nice old pillow and beat the stuffings out of it when you are angry. If you become angry when he's around, walk away, go to another room, or go for a nice long walk. The more you fuel his fire, the longer it will burn.
You will learn the steps of the MLC dance, one at a time. Learning the art of detachment takes time, but you will learn how to do it. The first step is learn not to take what he says or does personally. The second step, try not to react or defend yourself. The third step is to learn to rely on no one but yourself, family and friends, for his is not going to be reliable for a very long time. The fourth step is to learn to live your life to the fullest and be the best parent you can be to your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
