My WAW caught at an early stage (I hope)

[narwhal]

Thanks everyone, especially patpat and trying. I had been putting off the boundary-setting talk until after Christmas, and finally did it last night.

I had her e-mail searched, and found one exchange in response to a Craigslist posting, and one personals ad linked to her e-mail.

Me: I've been given information that you posted a personals ad, and responded to another person's personals ad.

W: I didn't do that.

Me: Hands her the printout.

W: (recognizes it immediately) Yes, I did that. That was at my lowest point. It was kind of a cry for help (later she said "I'm actually glad you found that"). I told you that this was likely.

Me: O.K., but it means I have to decide how I'm going to deal with it. I've decided that if you contact any man with the purpose of having a relationship, I'm going to pack up all your things in boxes in the basement, and expect you to move out within two weeks.

W: That's a completely appropriate response. I don't want to do that. Like I said, this was my lowest low point. This e-mail is as far as it went.

...

Later: she says the personals ad is one she placed several months ago for her best friend, whom she has been trying to find a boyfriend for, and who was supposed to come visit (the visit never happened). This is somewhat plausible, as it does list the location as Chicago (where her friend lives) and uses a pet name for her friend as the username.

So, I'm trying to believe little that I hear, and only half of what I see, but if what she admits to is one step less than what's actually happened, that means she chatted with or met this guy once or twice. Given the lack of any anger or defensiveness in her response, I am hopeful that little damage has been done.


So then we had a very good discussion. She got mad (a big plus from total emotional shut-down). W: "I feel like years went by when I tried to get you to do the things that needed to be done, and you'd did nothing, and then I go away on vacation and you paint the f*cking bathroom ORANGE! I hate orange! The f*cking BOXES needed to be unpacked!" (She was also laughing at this as she finished it).

She said that she felt like she was stuck emotionally, needed to get to the place where she could believe that happiness with me was possible. Needs to talk to her IC. (Later, she said maybe what she really needs is a few good cries to get unstuck.)

She said she's willing to work on couples counseling after she talks with her own therapist (scheduled for Jan 11th). Though in the context of this discussion, I'm considering that a coerced statement, not a freely chosen one.

She asked "So what do we need to do to make our lives better?" and we talked about that, both as individuals and as a couple.

I admitted that I had been a total idiot, and I was trying not to be an idiot any more. She said she could tell, and it was a nice change.

I suggested that we try to do fun things together, she admitted that there was no harm in that.

All told, I feel pretty good about it. I believe that no actual EA is going on, that the boundary-setting will lessen the chance of any A, and that we made some real progress toward turning the corner.

On the other hand, if I'm being completely stupid, I'm counting on you guys to set me straight.