Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

She also said last night that she thinks we need to start talking more if we are ever really going to get things back. That we have to talk more about what we are thinking/feeling and what is bothering us or making us angry.

What did you say to her when she made that statement? I would wait for her to open up to you, if she wants to talk about what bothers her. If it is something that you can validate, then do so.....but do not take a load of blame when it is not your fault. Do not be her doormat. You can look her in the eyes and listen to her and you can nod your head and say, "I understand how you must have felt that way". You don't have to agree with her and you don't have to apologize if you do not believe you have done something wrong. Do you see what I'm saying? She has been caught in an EA and she already has you promising to stop calling it an affair. So, I'm thinking she is going to have you eating out of her hand if you aren't very careful.....b/c you are wanting this to work so badly and you'll be too eager if you don't watch yourself. It is when you are too eager that you will get walked on. She needs to "show" you something that will prove to your heart that she wants to make the M work. When she expresses her sorrow in what she has done, that will be your first clue that she's serious about wanting to work with you. However, she will still have to go through the withdrawal stages from OM.

I don't remember exactly what I said about talking more, I probably wasn't the best on that one. But can heed your advice from here on out. I can also re-nig on the not using the affair word, can conveniently forget and use EA since that is the only thing I can prove and what she has admitted too.
Copy on sorrow. She hasn't expressed true sorrow that I've seen yet. Understand withdrawl...don't think we've hit that yet...maybe a little, but not much...I've been on the watch for clues of that.
I will not be her doormat. I did that gig too much recently and have made too much progress and feels too good (the progress) to lose that. And I've seen results. For example, after very sternly telling her I would not have her treat mean so awful in front of the kids, it stopped, it stopped the next day.

Not out of the woods, I don't believe I'm getting much if any effort at this point. But she is claiming that she is going to try to make this work and she has to stop with OM because there is no way not too...she feels trapped...but obviously even she knows not completely trapped because she could leave.