He's not capable of being any sort of a father right now (I am guessing), so I wouldn't bring up anything to him unless its something you need specifically, like a signature. It is TOUGH, and something we all deal with. My husband is about a teenager now, not someone I would consult on the best way to raise children. The best thing for your kids is to be strong and stand for your marriage, they may not get it day to day, but when they are grown they will realize what you did. If they ask what is up with daddy, it is also not your place to make excuses. You can just answer that daddy is busy dealing with his own things right now. At 8 and 5 they can learn that daddy cannot be relied on at this time (but hopefully that will change in the future). I believe that if he was a good father in the past, he can be a good father in the future, but just that RIGHT NOW he cannot handle it. I to am hoping that the husband I knew pre-MLC will return. I believe he is still in there somewhere. People live up to expectations, that is why having a positive attitude is so important.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
I just wanted to add that perhaps being away from the children is also a good thing, they aren't hurt by day to day stuff, and also people that have recovered from MLC say the children are a strong pull to rejoin the family. They start to miss the day to day small things that bring such joy to parents, and realize what they are missing in their crisis.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
I didn't say to agree to anything. I didn't agree to a divorce. I just told him I understood that was what he wanted, that I didn't and because I didn't I wouldn't help him. Can I stop him? No. Whether I or you or anyone agrees with a spouse who wants out, the legal system does not require both parties be in agreement to get a divorce.
Has it helped me that I didn't agree? I don't know. He hasn't filed anything and it's been almost 3 years post bomb and close to 2 years since he moved out. I focus on myself and our D's. I make plans and live my life. I still get blindsided by life at times (it does get messy you know), but I'm a big girl and I can go get my own straw and suck it up.
Will stomping your feet keep him with you and more importantly in love with you? Is fighting with him (as opposed to for your marriage) going to get you where you want to be?
Time is on your side esp if your state you can stall 2 years. Be amazing. If you forgot how, learn again.
Learn to be non-reactive esp to provocative statments. It will allow you to think about what is said and then come back with a response if you choose.
so even though he is dead set on this and wont budge on getting help until ordered by the courts, i need to be positive and believe in what we once had?
he says he is hurting too, because of the kids...its me he doesnt want to be around, not them.
Last edited by lost1234; 12/26/0910:46 PM.
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
The alt is on facebook under "divorcebusting", I'm a fan.
What he says may be hard to hear, but the trick is to listen. You will learn to listen and validate what he feels. Validating just means you understand what he's saying and that from his perspective it must be hard, hurt etc. It takes time to get there.
Regardless of what he says if you listen closely you will find that as you think about it, there are things you want to improve within yourself. This is for you, not him and not as a gimick to get him back. When you start to focus on yourself and the kids you will find the amazing woman you are.
Yes, you probably are. My IC suggested I go on AD, I went on lexapro and when I spoke to the psych. he told me I was under stress! You think. Anyway the AD helped a lot and there is not too many side effects.
You should go dark/NC. You want to stop pushing him and you might find that the Divorce talk stops. It has for me. It is the only positive thing that has happened but i am happy that the threats stopped! Its a baby step.
