K4D It's a Wonderful Life

[K4D]

Christmas eve I got out of work early and went home to my girls. I went to the store to get a few odds and ins. I finished wrapping presents. I ended up getting my W one extra gift, just a $20 candle fountain that I thought would be a nice decorative peice for her home.

I took my girls to midnight mass. W did not go. She wanted to sync up with me after mass when the girls were in bed asleep so she could bring her gifts over and put them in the tree. So a little after 2am the girls are finally asleep. W comes over with the gifts. It is freezing outside and this is about 2:45 am. I help her bring them up and then she comes straight to me, burys her head in my chest and asks me to hug her and warmer her up. So I stand there for a few minutes holding her while she quits shaking and warms up with her face buried in my chest. This is happening inside my apartment.

We place hers and my presents under the tree, go through the stocking stuffers for the kids and ourselves and sit for a while by the tree and just chit chat about the kids and everything. She leaves at 3:40am. I spend the next 20 minutes sitting up thinking about things. I go to sleep at 4am. She had wanted to be over in the morning before the kids woke. I offered to let her sleep on the couch since it was so cold and the roads were icey and so she didn't have to make 2 trips so close together. She hadn't been home yet and needed to let our dog out so she didn't stay.

I get a text at 8:45am Christmas morning. I had about 4 and a half hours of sleep. She is on her way. She gets there, I quickly get up and start making breakfast. We wake both girls and then she helps finish making breakfast with me. We all eat breakfast together and then we get down by the tree and I start handing out presents. Our girls loved what they got for the most part. W said I didn't have to get her the couple gifts that I did. I said its Christmas and no big deal. They were nothing elaborate and not very much money. She got me a gift as well. A fudge brownie mix kit. Yup. I acted a appreciative as I didn't expect a single thing anyways. Personally, I think that was rather insulting. But oh well.

So we all get ready to go to MIL's house after. W drives over to W's house with the girls to finish getting ready. I get myself ready and am looking good. I picked up starbucks on the way there for both of us. W was grateful.

W ended up busting her lip somehow at her house when bending down to get something out of the cabinet so she was in a bit of pain when I arrived. She took some medicine.

We all head to MIL's house from W's house. I helped bring stuff in and everyone said hi to me and merry christmas. I did the same back. I tallked with step dad in law for a while before we all sat down to eat. Actually he talked to me. That man can talk more than anyone I have ever met in my life. He has always been like that, but I have always enjoyed him.

We had a good meal together. At one point during the meal MIL makes a comment to W about how she must have really deserved me busting her lip like that in a joking fashion. I was quiet. I didn't find it funny. But I just kind smiled and shrugged my shoulders up a bit. The rest of the meal went good.

After the meal we all opened more gifts. That was fun. They got me a few things also. Then step FIL talked to me some more and then I got down and played littlest petshop monopoly with D7 and my neice while the adults all huddled around the kitchen table chatting and having a good time. MIL commented on my new shoes and asked where I got them and said she really liked them. I told her where and said thank you. W took a nap for a while during all of this because she was exhausted. A little while later it was finally time to leave. Step FIL shook my hand and gave me a hug. I said goodbye to the rest as everyone else was doing the same. I walked up to MIL and said I just wanted to tell you thank you for today. She gave me a hug and told me to please come back. I said I will and thank you.

We loaded the kids up and Was was getting ready to get in her car and take them home. She came over to me and hugged me and told me merry christmas. This was the second hug. I have to admit that I started wondering a bit if maybe there was some chance some feelings even if slight were starting to show. W asked me if I was going to go with them the following day to the Gaylord Hotel which is this mega hotel that is just phenominal for the afternoon. I said yes, I will join them. She said ok.

A bit later I got a text from MIL telling me thank you for continuing to show them that they are loved and they feel blessed to have me.

I said thank you and I do love them and they really made my Christmas great. She sent another back saying may the Lord bless me.

W had said she would meet me at my place so I woke up and went and got us starbucks again as I seem to be really taking a liking to that lately. Was again grateful for hers that I piced up. We all drove to the hotel to meet her family to hang out. There are shops inside, restaurants, walk ways, pools, etc. It really is neat. During our walking around together with W, our girls, MIL, step FIL, SIL and her boyfriend and neice, W tells me thank you for coming and she just didn't want me to spend Christmas alone and figured with friends being out of town or with families that I shouldn't have to be alone. Then she said D7 wanted me to come to the movie with them tonight. Very much stating the truth about things to me. I knew inside already, but it still bothered me some. I didn't show it. I was cheerful and friendly and talking to everyone for the afternoon. After we all went to SIL's boyfriends house for food and chatting. W really had nothing to say to me or talk to me about while there. I just ignored it and talked to the rest of them and helped prepare the food. After everyone got ready to leave and we all shook hands and hugged goodbye. I had ridden with W so we decided we would take our girls right after to see Alvin and the chipmunks. So we get to the theatre and spend a bit of time at the restaurant there because it was to early to go inside the theatre. We chatted a bit and W and the girls got themselves something to drink while we waited.

We went into the movie and at different parts of the movie I started thinking about me and W and wishing we were together again. I was sad at some points. After it was over D7 and D12 got into a fight heading out that literally had to be broken up. W was hacked off at them and went to the restroom and asked me to calm down D7 which I did. I spoke to both girls and W said they are both in trouble, blah blah blah. We got into W's car and I tried to be cheery and talk to the girls and joke about the movie and so forth.

We got back to my apartment and W and the girls got there things and headed down to the vehicle. Prior to heading down, D12 was still upset so I went into her room and hugged her and told her she will be ok and how much I love her. I held her for a minute talking to her. I turned around and there was W standing silently watching. I walked down with them and gave the girls a hug and told them I love them and what a great Christmas it was. Then W came up and gave me another hug and said merry christmas and thank you for coming. I stood outside and waived goodbye to them until they drove away.

I headed up into my apartment alone and sat down on my couch and looked at the cross I have on my mantle and started crying. I think something died in me and told me it really is over with me and W. I just don't see any feeling out of her other than charity.

I couldn't have done any better than I did this weekend. I reconciled with MIL. I dressed great, was cheerful, helped out, spent time with my kids, gave W her space, put my best foot forward in every situation, etc. There just wasn't anything more I could have done. I didn't drink at any point with W and her family. I think emotionally I gave it all I had and just came to a realization that it just doesn't matter to W.

OM is coming into town Wednesday night and will be here for the weekend and it looks like he will be spending it with W.

P.S. Other than my girls fighting tonight I did everything I could to give them a great Christmas and they did have a great one.

I think I am emotionally and physically exhausted now.

D7 was so grateful for a white Christmas and kept telling me that we should thank God for giving us a white Christmas. That really helped make hers and truth be told mine as well very special.

Kevin