Sorry you had to go through all of that. Dealing with the anger is tough. I don't know that I would do much in the way of anything to "surprise" him. Let him take what he wants and don't help. He may not take things you'd think he would, let it be.
I was surprised at just how little my H took and really surprised by some of the things he left behind. Some of these things are boxed and in the garage. Others, I have taken to be mine (an example is some of his art, I matted and framed the pieces I like best and they hang in my bedroom). I don't really expect him to ever ask for any of the things he's left, but you never know.
I think some of the anger is b/c they see it as we didn't do certain things when they were "here". My H didn't stay angry long after he left. Sometimes now, I'll see it come up, but more in a usual way and about pretty specific things.
I know that when I'm filling him in on things with D's, not to ask what he thinks until he's had time to process the information. He has said that I expect him to solve everything right now (when I have told him during a visit, heaven forbid I vent or show too much concern. That really puts the pressure on.) Now, I let him know what steps I'm taking and I may ask after a week or so if he see any other options.
Since we talk to a C (phone conference) about D's, that's another venue to bring things up.
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He got really offended when I said this was OUR house, but MY home an maybe he should let me know when he was coming over so I could be scarce..Didn't think he should have to call before seeing his kids.. He's mad that I didn't move out b/c he liked this place better than I did...
He's the one that wants out, so, he's the one that gets to leave IMO. And yes, b/c he doesn't live there anymore he does need to call before coming to see the kids. I'm sorry he's offended, but he's made his choice and there are consequences to all of our choices, both good and bad.
I used to work on the day H comes to visit D's and when I didn't I was usually gone at least most of the day. Now, I pretty much do as I please that day. Mostly that involves doing stuff around the house. I'm pleasant and all I ask is common courtesy, like if they leave when they expect to be home etc.
You will get to a place where you can be more non-reactive if you choose. There are times I'm not so sure that's the best way to go, but I do listen to that (psychotic ?) little voice inside. So, far I think it has minimally helped me do what works out for D's.
If you need to go dark, you will need to insist that he calls first and I would suggest setting up a schedule that you both adhere to with regards to visitation. That way you know what to expect and when.
