Much better today. It was my first Christmas without my H and I thought it would be okay, but that was not the case. I felt a bit selfish in wanting to get angry/sad amidst my family's celebration, but made it through the festivities in one piece fortunately. Hope your holiday was a great one!
I'm going to journal a bit here. I got home from my parents house and found my husband waiting at the home although he does not live here anymore. I walked in and said a friendly hello. My husband followed me upstairs and akwardly toyed with the idea of asking me to dinner. Also, he called 3 times during a 3 hour drive to make sure I was okay. I agreed to go with him to dinner and during dinner I caught glimpses of my "old H" and we laughed and he would say things to me that he used to say all the time that I hadn't heard in a while. No relationship talks or talks about the future, except for a few comments about how he is not sure where he is going to go once his buddy he's staying with moves one December 31st to DC. I didn't reply at all. He has mentioned that he does not want to move in with the OW and I tend to believe that because he would have already as opposed to moving in with a friend. I have a slight feeling he is going to ask me to move back in, but not for the sake of the marriage, just as a place to lay his head when he is not with OW. I want him back home so badly, but not this way, ie. wondering where he is all night and who he is with and frankly, I don't know that I want him keeping tabs on me either right now. I feel like I really need my privacy to grieve or be angry when I need to rather than worrying about where he is in our house. Also, it was hard enough the few weeks in the beginning to have him in my home and not in my bed at night. Anyone dealt with this before? This is all still so new right now.
He seems to be coming back around about again, but trust me, I know this is going to be a wild ride. One day he's up, one day he's down and for me this is like watching a tennis match of him against himself.
