Moving on with my life!

[S.T. _I Made It!]

shwew!!! glad he's not spending the night.


also glad that he apologized for his behavior...that doesn't happen often does it?


yes, glad you did not go in depth with MGF...she obviously lies, and who knows what she will lie to others about what you say. but I understand you wanting to share some truths, and I'm glad you are watching your words with it.

[Startingover2]

Here it is...5 A.M. Xmas morning and I am waiting for exh to get here. He came by a few times Xmas Eve during the day and then last night before we put her to bed. It was awesome. It was wonderful! How in the heck do I not feel something again?

I kept telling myself all night...this feeling is just because its Xmas. After that, it will be like any other day. I could tell he was feeling stuff too or he is a really good faker. He did say ILY, and I didn't say anything back. I just smiled. It was one of those really akward moments. He said "you don't love me anymore?" I said I did but he trampeled all over that. He said "I know but can't you see I am trying now. You need to trust me again sometime." There was alot I could have said right then, but just said time will tell.

So now he is coming here to be here when baby wakes up. We will open presents with my older kids and baby, have breakfast and then kids will take off for awhile with their dad's family. I will go to exsil's this afternoon.

Baby loved opening presents at my mom's last night. She got this life sized baby doll that looks so real its almost creepy! She loves it though..so many presents.

Hope everyone has a good one!

[Lotus]

that sounds good SO. Take things as they come. But enjoy the good when you can.

[Startingover2]

Well...Xmas is all but over and done. It was pretty decent for the most part. This evening with exh's family was great, but had some real painful moments.

This morning we had a great time with baby opening presents. All had a good time. This morning while we were waiting for baby to wake up exh asked me if I wouldn't hover over baby so much when we went to his familys Xmas like I did at Thanksgiving. I asked what he meant. He said I chased baby around so much that I didn't stop and visit. I wanted to say someone had to watch her...he was sitting in the chair. I didn't say that of course, but did say she is my child and I cannot let her just run amuck. I think that he wanted to put on a show for his family like he has been this really involved dad.

This afternoon/evening I went with baby to exh's familys. Most of his siblings and their wives/husbands/girlfriends were there (actually only one isn't married). ExMIL and her husband were there too. Baby had a blast. Lots of presents. Lots of kids. Lots of chaos.

I felt good for the most part, but I did feel really out of place...or more like I didn't know what my place was really. People were coupled up and then there was exh and I. He was very nice and friendly, but didn't really do much beyond that. I was included in everything...at one point the guys did like a famiy pic and then all of the women. I just sort of stood in the corner thinking this wasn't me included but then exh and the family insisted I be in the pic. I felt so stupid! I am not really part of the family anymore remember?! Exh left me! Exh has chosen anything else besides me! I also know that if it wasn't for baby and her and I being a package deal...I wouldn't be included. A few got me gifts which was very nice. Mil bought each couple this framed pic of the family and then got one each for exh and one for me. That was sort of akward.

The best moment was when SIL introduced me to the new gf of BIL and she introduced me like : This is SO2. She is exh's...(pause)girlfriend? Like she was asking me what I was. I said no but was so in shock and feeling sick at that moment I wanted to run and nothing was coming out of my mouth. MIL jumped in and said "this is exh's exwife. They have a child together." SIL turned to me and said "oh yeah, I forgot you guys were married." I wanted to die!

So as much as they did their best to include me..I felt so stupid at the same time. I know I can't expect any different, but it really did hurt.

Ohhhhh...then the one BIL that wasn't married decided to propose to his gf during present opening. I was happy for him, but wanted to crawl into a hole!

This is not how I wanted my life to go. I know nobody on this board thought we would ever end up here, but it really sucked tonight in some ways. I did have a good time, but it just sucked.

[Startingover2]

Still processing Xmas.

One good thing is exh did not drink a drop. Not one. Others were drinking...wine, and he is a beer guy anyway but he didn't drink. I am sure he is working hard trying to prove he isn't an alcoholic. Now what will happen after family leaves tomorrow?

I can't remember if I posted this, but a few days ago he made a statement saying "you are going to have to trust me sometime". At the time I was talking about him being sincere and honest. I guess what I don't get is I don't trust his motives and he is expecting me to just jump in, be happy, and do whatever he wants and me to be 100% ok with it all. Yet, at the same time he isn't showing alot to ME other than a few ILY's every once in awhile. I know that is big for some, but most of the time I feel like his buddy. I just wonder if he is doing it all for baby and trying to change things or get me to allow things I normally wouldn't. Like the comment Xmas morning while waiting for baby to wake up "I do want to take her for a walk into town and get an ice cream..so what are you going to do? How are you going to handle that?" See, this is where I am torn. He has SUPERVISED visits according to the court. If I allow him to take her once or twice unsupervised then it sets a precedence that he can use against me. So Is he softening my emotions to get more unsupervised time with baby? I hate this! I don't know what is going on.

Last night after we got home from exh's family I didn't hear from him once. No goodnight. Nothing. I know he has a boatload of family staying with him and he hates that, but it just seems if you are supposed to be making an effort you would communicate.

[kassie]

Hi (SO)

MC! Sounds like you were surrounded by family and enjoyed.

EXH may be trying but be cautious with your heart and decisions regarding the baby. Wanting to be sober and putting in the effort are two different things in reality. I don't mean to put him down, but it takes a lot of self determination to get where I think he may want to be and let's face it - only a small number people actually get there.

Keep protecting yourself from the turmoil and see a different life without all it in front of you.

[Startingover2]

Hi (SO)

MC! Sounds like you were surrounded by family and enjoyed.

EXH may be trying but be cautious with your heart and decisions regarding the baby. Wanting to be sober and putting in the effort are two different things in reality. I don't mean to put him down, but it takes a lot of self determination to get where I think he may want to be and let's face it - only a small number people actually get there.

Keep protecting yourself from the turmoil and see a different life without all it in front of you.

Oh yes...I know. Nothing has really changed except for his wavering intentions...still not sure of the true motive on that. Time will tell.

[Startingover2]

Had a real relaxing day yesterday. No company. No running around. Baby was so tired from the 2 days of constant chaos she was having meltdowns. Finally was back to herself by mid afternoon yesterday.

Didn't see exh at all yesterday. I know his family is still in town so he was probably busy with them. He is always excited to see them, yet can't wait for them to leave. They are high energy and always wanting to do things. Exh is the polar opposite. Loves to hunt, but that is about it. He would rather lay on his couch in solitude and watch football all day. He gets stressed about the chaos too. I know his MIL and FIL are staying with him too which drives him crazy after awhile. He also cannot drink or do anything when she is around.

He sent a few texts thru the day but nothing big. Last night he was saying how wiped out he is. That made me roll my eyes some. He doesn't know tired. He doesn't chase a toddler around all day and up all night with. I did invite him to go to church with us this morning. He said he will let us know. I know it will be a no. Thats fine. He was included. My sister said if this is his true intentions of seeing what happens have him start doing normal things with us....not just at home with baby sitting on the couch. See if he wants to be seen in public with his family!

I am doing fine mentally now. Sadly I know there are most likely underlying motives with exh. CS or time alone with baby are my first two picks. Both are not happening!

[25yearsmlc]

Here it is...5 A.M. Xmas morning and I am waiting for exh to get here. He came by a few times Xmas Eve during the day and then last night before we put her to bed. It was awesome. It was wonderful! How in the heck do I not feel something again?

Just because you "feel" something, means nothing in terms of what you DO. Don't confuse an emotional experience with a life changing one. It's an emotional holiday and it's fine to let it be. You want that for your kids don't you? Sure. So leave it be.


I kept telling myself all night...this feeling is just because its Xmas. After that, it will be like any other day.
Or maybe some of the good will linger. You had a child with this man and some chemistry. You are allowed to enjoy those moments just as you are supposed to enjoy her high school graduation and party, etc. But you don't go off and marry the guy again b/c you "felt something"....

I could tell he was feeling stuff too or he is a really good faker. He did say ILY, and I didn't say anything back. I just smiled. It was one of those really akward moments. He said "you don't love me anymore?" I said I did but he trampeled all over that. He said "I know but can't you see I am trying now. You need to trust me again sometime." There was alot I could have said right then, but just said time will tell.

That man has quite the sense of entitlement. Amazing and interesting too. Consider his words. He says that he is "trying now" (and therefore something should immediately happen in response b/c he's owed a positive immediate response and you have to forgive him and not ever bring anything up...b/c, he's "trying now"....) but I don't know what "trying now" means. Showing up at Christmas, for the fun parts? Stiffing you on some bills or delaying payment...Lying about OW(s) still, oh and sometimes NOT showing up for inconvenient things like wrestling matches that are a drive away, or that he forgot, but gratuitously promised to attend so the son would get his hopes up and like the "dad" again,(and not caring a bit about letting the boy down by not showing up. Nope, NOT a thought for that, just HIS anger at you for driving...wow) or the "trying" to control you with his constant demanding texts...asking to delay the C/S payments and still drinking...excuse me, but where's the big "trying now"? Did he mean trying that minute or for 2 days or what? Oh, I see. Sure, you should forget the past if he's made an effort for "now"...Wow, CLASSIC narcissist. They Minimize damage they cause others, expect forgiveness, maximizes the pain THEY Feel, yet see no connection between their actions and the consequences, no, in his world, he's a victim and anyone who can't /won't forgive him THEN AND THERE, is a bi#$%. They're wrong, not him.

So now he is coming here to be here when baby wakes up. We will open presents with my older kids and baby, have breakfast and then kids will take off for awhile with their dad's family. I will go to exsil's this afternoon.

Baby loved opening presents at my mom's last night. She got this life sized baby doll that looks so real its almost creepy! She loves it though..so many presents.

Hope everyone has a good one!

Very glad you and baby had a nice holiday. Good for you!
But as for him....no confusion here. Just same old same old. He's pathologically self absorbed. Seriously.
When he asks you things like "Don't you love me anymore?" (Hard not to laugh out loud...OMG....I would have had to leave the room to regain composure). You can answer kindly, if you want, by saying, "I'll always love the father of my children". And leave it at that. He's not entitled to know more, to ask more, or to expect anything from you. Who the hell is he to expect this from you? OMG what an ego! Look, I'm not into making people victims forever okay? But let's just do a fast re-cap here. And correct me if I'm off base okay?

You were married to this man a short time and In that short lived marriage, you felt uneasy and distrustful and turns out, for good reason. You are the aggrieved party; he's the perpetrator of the main events.

One consequence of his many selfish and poor choices, is the hassle of supervised visits. Not your responsibility, but of course it's not merely inconvenient for him; it's also a pain for you. But he doesnt' care about that! I doubt he's admitted anything but how much it bothers HIM and HIS lifestyle. He cares about HIM.

He cheated on you then and still has contact with some OW. None of your concern b/c you are divorced---yes you know...But still he insists, rather egotistically, that you gotta believe him when he tells you whatever he tells you; e.g., he's not seeing someone, (so what?) or he's seeing someone else, blah blah blah. Why would you be concerned with who he's dating? You are divorced! Oh "BUT HE"S TRYING NOW" and so, you MUST trust him sometime....really? Where's that written? (IF he really wanted the M status to change, he'd change and you'd KNOW. But instead, he yanks you on the yo-yo to to make sure he's still got you as back up.

OMG, S2, honestly the statements he makes are laughable. How'd you keep a straight face? "Don't you love me anymore?" Oh sure, why wouldn't I?

Who doesn't just LOVE a man who lies, a lot, and over quite a span of time, who doesn't LOVE a man who cheats, repeatedly? Who doesn't just LOVE a man who wants to postpone child support payments? Who isn't crazy about a guy who texts you, rather than being there in real life, and demands immediate responses?

Who doesn't always LOVE it when some EX h can interrupt your life at all hours (under feigned concern of course--NOT being controlling! nooooo) and who isn't happy when a FORMER h tries to hold you back from moving on b/c he always needs a back up? Who doesn't just go ga ga over a guy who makes gratuitous promises to your son about going to his wrestling match, but then backs out b/c of the drive OR just forgets, only to blast the mother of the son for (reminding him of this?) driving on her own in rain--(which made HIM look bad so, hey, the best defense is a good offense so naturally he attacked you and chewed you out)....yeah, WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE??


[b]I think you're getting signs from above about how wrong this guy is for you and always was.[/b] Perhaps the baby is the cause of the original connection and that's a beautiful thing.

I'm sorry to say this but-- I see NOTHING indicating any reason for you to have any contact with this guy beyond the baby. He's an egomaniac and a proven liar. As for the newest or former OW...whichever one this is now...what a lovely thing for you to get to hear about in detail....Set a boundary there honey. Enough. Who wants to know the gory details of their X h's meanderings? Not a healthy woman honey. He's out...let him go catch a STD but not give it to you.

I assume she wants info for herself of course. All you have to do is not be an insane control freak as he likely described you, and she'll start to wonder if if if maybe it's HIM...but she's got the virus he gave her too. I mean she's nuts to be in a R with him at all, and the part where she'd put up with this insanity while married and contact you...and ask you questions and interview...it's....wacky.Yeah it's very odd and dysfunctional.
She's not well. I feel sorry for her but that does not mean she's your new bff.
Yi yi yiiii.....Have a good new year and know it'll be better than this past one was, IF YOU LET IT!!
( j )

[Startingover2]

You were married to this man a short time and In that short lived marriage, you felt uneasy and distrustful and turns out, for good reason. You are the aggrieved party; he's the perpetrator of the main events.

One consequence of his many selfish and poor choices, is the hassle of supervised visits. Not your responsibility, but of course it's not merely inconvenient for him; it's also a pain for you. But he doesnt' care about that! I doubt he's admitted anything but how much it bothers HIM and HIS lifestyle. He cares about HIM.

He cheated on you then and still has contact with some OW. None of your concern b/c you are divorced---yes you know...But still he insists, rather egotistically, that you gotta believe him when he tells you whatever he tells you; e.g., he's not seeing someone, (so what?) or he's seeing someone else, blah blah blah. Why would you be concerned with who he's dating? You are divorced! Oh "BUT HE"S TRYING NOW" and so, you MUST trust him sometime....really? Where's that written? (IF he really wanted the M status to change, he'd change and you'd KNOW. But instead, he yanks you on the yo-yo to to make sure he's still got you as back up.



Who doesn't just LOVE a man who lies, a lot, and over quite a span of time, who doesn't LOVE a man who cheats, repeatedly? Who doesn't just LOVE a man who wants to postpone child support payments? Who isn't crazy about a guy who texts you, rather than being there in real life, and demands immediate responses?

Who doesn't always LOVE it when some EX h can interrupt your life at all hours (under feigned concern of course--NOT being controlling! nooooo) and who isn't happy when a FORMER h tries to hold you back from moving on b/c he always needs a back up? Who doesn't just go ga ga over a guy who makes gratuitous promises to your son about going to his wrestling match, but then backs out b/c of the drive OR just forgets, only to blast the mother of the son for (reminding him of this?) driving on her own in rain--(which made HIM look bad so, hey, the best defense is a good offense so naturally he attacked you and chewed you out)....yeah, WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE??
[/color]

I'm sorry to say this but-- I see NOTHING indicating any reason for you to have any contact with this guy beyond the baby. He's an egomaniac and a proven liar. As for the newest or former OW...whichever one this is now...what a lovely thing for you to get to hear about in detail....Set a boundary there honey. Enough. Who wants to know the gory details of their X h's meanderings? Not a healthy woman honey. He's out...let him go catch a STD but not give it to you.

I assume she wants info for herself of course. All you have to do is not be an insane control freak as he likely described you, and she'll start to wonder if if if maybe it's HIM...but she's got the virus he gave her too. I mean she's nuts to be in a R with him at all, and the part where she'd put up with this insanity while married and contact you...and ask you questions and interview...it's....wacky.Yeah it's very odd and dysfunctional.
She's not well. I feel sorry for her but that does not mean she's your new bff.
Yi yi yiiii.....Have a good new year and know it'll be better than this past one was, IF YOU LET IT!!
( j )[/color]

All very true. I know his motives and intentions are less than honorable and sincere. They may have a hint of what he may want his life to be like, but for whatever reason he won't do the work necessary. So its much easier to cake eat and have the best of both worlds.

So, with all that being said how do I just keep our communication all about baby only? We have so much contact that its rather hard. Its not like I can drop her off at the curb and honk the horn when I pick her up LOL. I am here, and most of the time baby wants me in the room. Another question is he will notice this distance now in me and ask why I am pulling away. Is it ok to tell him he is full of sh** and has done nothing beyond words on text messages to show me he has changed? Otherwise he will just think I am ticked off about something and never really know. He will say what about the 'slow and steady' bullcrap. To me, that is just code for I want to keep my life the way it is and not do the work. Is it ok to say 'do the hard work or nothing?"

My friend was here visiting yesterday and she asked me what it would take for me to really trust him again or know he is serious. It was complete hypothetical talk but it was interesting. I said a complete personality transformation LOL. Open, honest, sweet, affectionate, transparent, attentive, and a willingness to do what it takes. Also, IC, MC, AA, and no more tendancies to run to OW when times get tough. I look at my list and say there is no way in heck exh is capeable or even would want to do those things.

So, it does look like I have my answer.