New to this Community seeking advice

[MichelleLT]

Your comment on the role reversal is very insightful!

Michele talks about the teeter-totter phenomenon in DR a few times - when one spouse becomes calm the other becomes more angry.

Sounds like a productive R talk, as much as they can be at least!

Glad you got the extra day with the kids.

Sounds like you did a good job validating and balanced that with some boundary setting. Good job on staying calm!!!!

I'm sure she's got lots of food for thought now! Back off, try and stay away from any R talk, keep contact happy and create more good memories so that she has to think about whether she really wants to refile after the holidays (and keep in mind that even if she does you have months in which to continue to DB).

Good job all around!!!!

[JR09]

Journaling

I'm with the boys for 7 days. Day 1 started this morning. It's GREAT to be with them again. I'm glad I'm still their father in their eyes. Linked up with W when she dropped off the boys in the hotel. She was checking me out big time...but with a frown on her face. Fear, anger, hurt, all wrapped up in one facial expression. She didn't say much really. I was very nice all throughout the short encounter.

W didn't mention anything about the R. she just reminded me about S10's medication. It was a big deal last summer because I forgot to give him his meds. That really made her mad. This time I know what to do.

Spent the day buying groceries with the boys, swimming, hanging out in the hotel room, and finishing the evening with a movie. Gotta make each day last as long as possible. The boys are happy. They are also doing their best to make each minute count.

Viewing my W's earlier facial countenance and overall stance, I thought to myself that maybe this is the end of it all. Maybe this is how it's going to be after all. I shouldn't read minds. Maybe that's not how she felt. In any case, I'll have a great time with the boys.

JR

[MichelleLT]

It means nothing in the grand scheme. It could mean she's reconsidering the D. It would mean she's going to push forward for now (but you still have time to influence that). It could mean she ate something that didn't sit well for breakfast.

The important thing is for you to be happy and looking and feeling good. To show her the changes you've made are really for you, and that they'll stick.

Don't let it discourage you, keep your eyes on the goal.

And have a blast with the boys!

[Ready2Change]

Enjoy your time with the kids. Be the strong, happy role model.

[JR09]

Thanks R2C.

Glad to have your input. The boys tell me how much I changed, and how nuch nicer I have become. Coming from them, it has to be true somehow. We continue to have a great time together. Listening to their stories, being with them, there is just nothing like it.

Today, I did call my W and invited her to come have lunch with us (I drove up all the way to be about 30 miles where my W stays w/ her parents. She declined. I just said she can always call me again if she changes her mind. Her "no" was not the "No, Hell No, I don't want to do that!" It was a half-hearted No. I think she wanted to come along, but her pride/fear/insecurity got in the way.

Anyway, I am as nice and composed as I can be. Displaying my best self at all times. DBing even when the chips are down.

JR09

[MichelleLT]

It's funny how pride and fear can be the two things that slow R down the most!

[JR09]

Well, what do you know...W calls me yesterday to talk to the boys and see how they are doing. My S12 tells her that we plan to have lunch with her nephew/their cousin today. He's the one who visited with my parents in France a few weeks ago. W asks me "why are you having lunch with XYZ?" I tell her I just want to link up w/ him because he just saw my parents. Then I invite her to join us. To which she replies with a half-hearted no.

She asks me if I've been giving S10 his meds. I told her I do it religiously. The converstaion was all around friendly without any tension. I just wonder why W seems to be so paranoid about my having lunch w/ her nephew (mine too, by marriage!). I have no hidden agenda. Maybe she thinks otherwise. But I'm quite transparent about what I do. Really nothing to hide.

Anyway, this did bug me that she has to asks "why" on everything, or so it seems. If she feels to already be "divorced in her mind", then why bother asking, knowing? It shouldn't matter at all now...But it sounds like it does. I've been thinking about this. If the WAS has already made up her mind and is "divorced in her mind", then she should feel at peace w/the decision.

So why still have this sense of fear, paranoia, anger? Maybe she hasn't dropped her rope yet. IMO, if one is at ease with the decision to D, then there shouldn't be any need to be mad, nasty, angry, paranoid about it. If you make the decision, OWN it and move on. At least that's how I view it.

In any case, I was still very nice to her on the phone, and I did cut the converstaion first telling her that I had to go because the boys and I had a few things to do now. I understand every encounter is a chance to DB, even over the phone, since that's the only contact I have with W. I think I did well.

JR

[MichelleLT]

Most of them have a hard time fully dropping the rope and actually going through with the D. They have their doubts and second thoughts when we DB them because it's hard for them to continue to justify the path they are taking.

Her questions are a chance for you to express things to her that might not have even been possible a couple months ago.

Try and focus on them as an opportunity to move your DBing forward, to continue to progress.

Good job. Sounds like it was a good conversation. I think she feels like you were listening to her, that you listened the last time about S10s meds, that you are taking her concerns seriously. All very important things to convey.

[healthydad]

So why still have this sense of fear, paranoia, anger? Maybe she hasn't dropped her rope yet. IMO, if one is at ease with the decision to D, then there shouldn't be any need to be mad, nasty, angry, paranoid about it. If you make the decision, OWN it and move on. At least that's how I view it.

Hey JR,
How are you doing? I hope the time with your boys over the holidays was wonderful. When I read these words I thought, yes, that makes sense...but the thing is that you are in a very different place than you W. I have the same response to my STBX - she wanted the D, she's getting the D, why still so much anger and nastiness? But, while we know the question can be asked it's not up to us to find the answers...I imagine the reasons for the anger, frustration, etc., has more to do with what the other person needs to work through than with us.

Having worked so hard, you are just not the same person/obstacle/issue source that you were to her before - and so the dynamic has to change. That said, I also felt like your last post marked a shift of sorts in your words...in that you sounded like you were going to focus more on you now...which I think is good and healthy.

Anyway...I was just hoping you were doing okay. It's hard to be apart from the children again after being with them in such a joyful way...the silence in the home after my oldest son left last weekend was almost unbearable.

-Carlos.

[JR09]

Carlos,

So good to hear from you. Michelle also posted to encourage me while I was on leave. I'm now back at work. Tired from a long 900 mile drive yesterday and the day before. I really tried to maximize my week with the boys. Made tons of memories. The boys each approached me in their own way to tell me how much they miss and love me. I needed that affirmation for my own sanity. S12,S10, and S7 had a blast.

In that short week, W called us twice to just "say Hi to the boys". I think she actually wanted to be with us, but just didn't find the strenght to come along. I did invite her on 2 occasions to join us for lunch, but she declined.

When W came to pick the boys up, she had a hard time watching me say goodbye to the boys. I told her she looked great. She felt awekward and just drove away. Never said anything else, no R talk, no D talk, nothing. Maybe that's a good thing. Last year, after we've benn apart for 6 months, before she drove away, I brought up the R, and 3 weeks later, I was served D papers. At that time I haven't even heard of DB yet. I was pursuing, begging, etc. I kinda forced the R talk and Bam!, received D papers in the mail.

This time, I knew better not to bring up the R. I think I did all right. Shall I try to feel her out and probe the situation a little to see what she may think? If so, how could I do that? Some of my friends say it's time to ignite some fire and ask the tough questions. I'm not sure that's really what I want to do now. But is it time to probe the situation a little? Any advice? It's been 18 months since W left.

JR09