WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

More developments. I like to record things here because the details and my related thoughts are instructive to look at afterwards I am finding when I read back.

Christmas was good. W was in a good mood and everything seemed pretty 'normal'. It seems like last year was worse. Back then I knew W was involved with someone else but hadn't proven anything and her attitude was really bad. I remember thinking that if we could just make it to 'next' Christmas and stay together then we would make it. Well, we're here but the outcome is still up in the air but close to resolution I think.

For the first time in a year she wanted to visit my grandfather. She was always the one initiating visits to my grandparents but that suddenly stopped about a year ago. This was a small change in the weather on that front.

Also, we worked together pretty well for our kids on Christmas and they had a good holiday. However, she had a flare-up over the way her family was treating her. Her granmother and sister have been angry at her lately because in their eyes she is 'acting like she is single' and have let her know. She lashes out at me - accusing me of poisoning them with information, but they are forming opinions based upon their own observations.

Also, I have overheard her saying things like: "IF we end up divorced" as opposed to it being a certainty. I stated earlier that she hasn't used the D word directly, only 'separation'. The thing she has talked about recently with others is renting a place and separating for a few months. She is very torn about being apart from the kids however, but motivated enough (to be with OM I presume) to even consider this. Otherwise I leave her alone - the 'stress' she generates in our house is her own, but ironically that is the thing she 'needs to get away from'.


The flare ups over christmas were mild but as follows:

1) She left my mom's house christmas eve by herself without telling me. I know that last year she did this to get on the phone with OM for 30 minutes. I had a weak moment and called to ask what she was doing and she got angry, explained that she had forgot something for someone and that she doesn't need to account for everywhere she goes, blah blah and I replied that I was concerned because I know from the phone records last year that she left to talk to OM on xmas eve and was wondering if she was doing it again. Her answer was NO and that is the problem with me 'hacking' into her phone account - I now think about these things, etc etc.

2) For whatever reason, xmas day she sends me a text about contacting OM's GF (we have used text msgs in order to avoid discussions kids can hear). She lashed out and talked about how I 'embarassed' her by contacting her through her work since her boss found out about it etc etc. I told her that if OM had issues with what I did and was really concerned about quasi-GF to deal with me himself and not whine to my W. I think the person who was embarassed was OM. I definitely caused some upheaval by contactig quasi-GF. I think OM caught some hell over it for sure.

Now we are headed up to the mountains with all of my kids and my ILs. She almost wanted to let me take the kids and stay home because she didn't want to be around her own family (they 'judge' her) but my MIL talked her down on this one and she is going.

I don't think limbo will last much longer. Contacting Quasi-GF has stirred something up with her and OM and the pressure from ILs is building. She is leanging towards doing something and if not I am going to get her to the mediator to start putting more reality on the table and moving the process forward.

[tryingtilDorR]

I just returned from a couple of days skiing with the family and my ILs. Last year was the first year where we could really enjoy this type of activity as a family, since it was the first time since started having children that they all could ski/snowboard on their own and all had their own equipment so didn't have to waste time renting stuff. I remember going tot he same place with my ILs when I was dating my W 25 years ago when their family was doing this (W was oldest and has 3 younger siblings).

Sad that we finally get to this point when M is ending.

I had fun anyway skiing with my kids. W and I have no connection and it could have been an even better trip if we had a R, but the person I was in a R is gone. However, it is still hard, no matter how much you detatch, to spend focused time like this around someone who doesn't want to be with you.

I came back early to wrap up some things for work, but family is still up there for another day.

[tryingtilDorR]

I am entering the new year at peace - moreso than I have felt in a long time (maybe ever?). This year has been a tremendous year of personal growth for myself. I am forever changed for the better and looking forward to life in the years ahead. If my M ends it will be unfortunate but I know the future holds great promise for me. I feel like I have many gifts to share with the world and others around me and will move on in life.

I am looking forward to starting my new job and starting in a new direction after recharging my batteries for over a year since I took my current 'easy' job after losing my previous one. I took the easy job also because of the bomb being dropped and it took me a long time to dig out mentally/emotionally to a point where I was ready to be fully productive and engaged in work again. I am there now and making career decisions based upon opportunity and growth like I used to before. It is a part of me that was lost and I now have it back.

WAW is still 'separated' from me but she seems to be more at peace lately as well. The tension level since XMas is down a lot it feels like. We are having normal conversations again, for now.

I am very indifferent about my WAW these days. If she is not around it is kind of nice. IF she is around I don't pay much attention to her but am polite.

Not sure what the overall fallout was from me contacting OM's quasi-GF outside of the few things W said to me about it, but I think it might have caused a shift in one way or another with both W and OM. I get the feeling that after an initial flurry of communicaiton and bellyaching over this it might have created distance afterward - just my gut feeling. It represents one of the final 'do something different' things that was on my list and the added exposure can't hurt in the long run I figure. OM knows I have no respect for him and am willing to invade his life just like he has mine and W knows I am willing to do things to stand up for my family. I haven't regretted contacting her once, not even for a second, so it must have been the right thing to do.

W seems to be on better terms with her family. MIL 'affirmed' her feelings about being unhappy in her M instead of browbeating her because she won't work on it and it probably helped calm things down. She was livid at XMAS over her grandmother's icy treatment of her but has been better with her family since.

We went to SILs on New Year's Eve. W never questioned whether or not I should go - last year I didn't go because we were having a big argument around that time (this was when OM/EA was in full swing but I didn't have all details).
Amazing to think this has been going on for over a year.

Limbo continues but at a less stressful pace. I won't put up with it forever obviously and am getting ready to take the next step to break out of it (tell her I want a D). I want to get moving with the new job this month and see where things go.

[tryingtilDorR]

Just when I thought things were settling down I get a msg from W this morning about me contacting OM's GF (again). She wants to know what I told her - whether or not it was fact or my own assumptions, etc. and what I said about OM who was only trying to be a friend to her, blah blah blah.

My initial response was "I don't care about your boyfriend's problems and you can tell him I said so when you talk to him today"

She asked again and I didn't really answer her, but told her that I focused on facts and in particular what OM did specifically. Other than that I didn't think it was any of her business (she doesn't exactly share details of what she discusses with OM with me).

This then devolves into some other things not worth repeating (she says she chose to seek out another man because I didn't treat her right , blah, blah, blah) but I finally told her:

I am willing to forgive you and hope you would forgive me as well if you want to work on the M. If you aren't willing to work on it we need to start working on a D. I can't stay with someone who won't honor our M, sleep in same bed, share life with me, or have sex with me. I have done everything I can for this I feel and am out of ideas at this point.

She then suggests for the Nth time us each alternately leaving each week so the kids aren't impacted, and that it is my fault for making their lives rough bccause I won't agree to this. I told her if we are going to D why do anything that would be a temporary arrangement? We should just negotiate the final agreement and implement THAT, not something that is interim. Why continue to drag this out?

This is where the rub is - she isn't ready to move towards D - she wants to stay in limbo by separating indefinitely but I won't. The only choice is to move forward firmly in one direction or another - work on M or work on D.

She dropped the conversation at that point (was done via txt msgs).

[givingitmyall]

She then suggests for the Nth time us each alternately leaving each week so the kids aren't impacted, and that it is my fault for making their lives rough bccause I won't agree to this.

Sounds like you are on the right track here. DO NOT agree to do this. This is an unrealistic band aid for HER guilt.

This is where the rub is - she isn't ready to move towards D - she wants to stay in limbo by separating indefinitely but I won't. The only choice is to move forward firmly in one direction or another - work on M or work on D.

Good man. What she's doing is cake-eating, plain and simple. DO NOT enable her with this. You are taking the right approach.

[tryingtilDorR]

More noise was coming from her later in the day and I got fed up and said:

Please divorce me or come back to the marriage. In or Out - just pick one or the other please. If you pick divorce we can go to the mediator. Time for us to move on from this limbo. If you choose marriage my only demands right now are to end your relationship and start working on M.

W: then schedule the mediator <she then added a bunch of justification about the fact that our situation is no different now after OM than it was before, blah blah blah>


Even afterward she kept using the word "separate because this situation isn't good for our kids" and I answered "divorce".

separation=limbo in my situation - divorce or commit to the M are the only choices <thanks for the moral support on this GIMA>

[givingitmyall]

I'm with you. Just make sure you are doing this from a position of calm strength and not anger.

[Deep]

Good on you Trying, I think if nothing else, you've earned your well deserved respect back.

I hope this helps snap her out of her cake eating.

[Sleepy]

Trying,

Read thru it. Yep, you and I are one in the same. Funny how women do this ..... Same story different faces.

While I think my W has dropped her R with the OM, she might be hiding it too. She's not getting any cake from me though.

I gave, and gave, and gave some more. I thought I buy her a new house, new car, new bike, send her on trips all over the world... this will make her happy. No Way! The gravy train is coming to a stop and she's getting her pretty little a$$ off soon.

I hope your W comes to her senses. I'll keep checking on you.

[Wonderful!]

You are the stable one even though you are in incredible pain. Don't let her manipulate your feelings and get you to make any emotional decisions. Stay calm and hold the line.