It does help to know others are in a similar situation. But I hear you, sometimes I read what I previously wrote to other people and I think "who is that woman - she sounds so strong!" and of course I still struggle daily inside. Also I can't believe it has been a year, my husband is so much better and there are still times I want to brain him with a frying pan for putting me through this. I keep thinking I have to look to the future, that hopefully, for the next 20-30 years we will spend together, this will just be a blip in the road. And although we'll never look back at it and laugh, someday he will thank and appreciate the effort I put into our marriage when he wasn't strong enough to.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
Good to "see" you on here! How was your Christmas? Hopefully peaceful and full of joy.
I think that lack of closure is a killer. Not being able to see into the future to figure out whether I should cut my losses now or stick it out. It is a tough road to travel but there are rewards in it all, too.
Looks like we are on a similar time line, too. It really is a daily struggle. Overall, I am doing pretty well most of the time but have those days and this time of year I have been struggling more obviously with the holidays and have had more teary times than I have in a while. It really seems that if H and I can get through this huge, ugly hurdle in the long run things could be even better. Of course, there are no guarantees but I am with you in hoping someday he realizes the effort I have put forth and my commitment. Right now I am doing this more for my kids, though, to be honest.
I am so sick of being "married" to a rebellious teen, though, that I want to scream some days. Trying to let it (and him) just go and be for right now . . .
Christmas was OK. H came over at 7am and left by 10am. He started getting angry with me over stupid things(couldn't remember the logon mmediately for itunes)..Started getting touchy(I put a present that came for H with his bag of xmas "loot" and he thought I was getting ready for him to leave.)
Said he'd had too much spiced rum apple cider the night before with his cousin...seems to be a new (unfortunate) pattern.
Told me that Xmas was hard for him. He hated the light therapy lap I still gave him even though he gessed what it was earlier this month. Didn't bother to take it out of the box. He emailed me today that it hurt him that I still gave him the lamp. I DB'd back and apologized that he felt hurt.
H seems convinced that we are divorcing-no wavering at all. So I'm pretty sad and discouraged about this.
I think I messed up yesterday while texting H( he initiated). He told me he was looking at computers(to buy) and when I asked him, with a smiley face, if he was expecting a windfall from divorcing me..he got terse. Today he emailed me that the fact that I would even think that means I don't know him...
So the anger is back, the sensitiveness, it really stinks. Sorry for the Hijacking..long answer.
I was hoping there'd be some indication of him missing us, maybe thats what the anger is about.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Sorry Christmas was okay. Just try your best to detach from the anger. It isn't you. Eventually he will hopefully realize that you are not the source of his issues.
I think I would like a light therapy lamp!:) Especially in Jan/Feb when I am just DONE with winter already!
That detaching thing is so hard. I know that you said over on your thread that maybe the going dark may not be the best right now based on issues your H was having but can you mentally detach so that his moods can roll of your back? Sounds like overall you are doing well.
Me, I am just trying to make my list of goals for 2010 to make it a year about me (and the kids) and what I want to accomplish. No goals regarding my H, our R, etc. What happens with that happens, nothing can be forced.
Things are interesting, though. He is becoming more and more friendly and like himself. Over the past couple of weeks we have had a few "normal" conversations that have lasted more than a couple of minutes that had nothing to do with the kids, "business," etc. My H is giving me more and more spontaneous hugs and has been starting to take responsibility for some things he has let slide for months. Of course, a lot of that is lip service at this point - we will see if/when he follows through. The other day the kids were not home all day and he was home alone with me, didn't go out at all. Of course, we pretty much kept to ourselves but he did eat lunch with me and I was kind of surprised - thought he might take his food to eat in front of the TV since the kids weren't home. I have heard the words "thank you" more times in the past couple of weeks than I think I have in the past year.
I am veeeeeeery cautiously hopeful for the future, but know this could go either way and will be a long road still. As far as I can tell, he has not faced his demons yet and still has a LOT of growing up to do.
So, for now I am just doing my thing and letting him do his. I feel so much more relaxed around him now, which is a great feeling.
Thanks! For the most part I am doing really well, at least most of the time. Patience is something I have never been good at but I am getting better all the time! (apparently that is one of the lessons I am supposed to be learning.:)).
Well I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas. Mine was wonderful. Visited with friends, family, got some beautiful gifts, watched as others smiled and laughed and loved and overall had a great time.
Grace,
You are in a good place right now. Don’t wish for that indifferent feeling. IF it is something you need to have, the point in time for it will come. You are as detatched as you need to be right now. And that is what is good.
TF,
Yes, we cycle, just like they do. Go with your cycles, recognize them for exactly what they are. Keep your eyes open and your mouth closed and you will be surprised at what you still have to learn.
I wish you all a very Happy New Year and many blessings in 2010.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Patience is something I have never been good at but I am getting better all the time! (apparently that is one of the lessons I am supposed to be learning.:)).
Well.....how long is THAT gonna take ????
Happy New Year TF.....I hope you and the kiddies have a great time with whatever you do....
