newmama, I know it's silly but i.e. for X-mas I have done 2 things I always wanted and haven't done because he didn't like it - I ordered a full turkey from the butcher, not a boned and rolled one and I have white lights on the x-mas tree instead of coloured ones. I know they are silly stupid things but it means something to me. And everytime I struggled with myself as I knew he would notice and wouldn't like it.But you know what: tough for him He says it's my house now so there you go...
Hey, I decorated the house like Santa's groto here ... lights outside / inside, tinsel everywhere even a big Merry Christmas sign in the window and a REAL tree (none of this fibre optic nonsense) ... total 180 for me. Do I care is she notices ... no. But I do know what you mean.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
bestrong, the turkey and the lights are exactly the little things I mean! I only put the ornaments I liked on the tree this year and didn't use them all, which he normally does. I wanted the tree in a different room so we could see it, not so the neighbors could see it. I even bought myself stocking stuffers! I wish I found a way to put lights up on our house because he does that every year and I love it. But if we are D next year, I will find a way. Did you get yourself presents even though you are watching your spending?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
ok, this is how the last few days went - WAH arrives here with his sister at 9 p.m. on the 23rd - gives the jackets to the boys he had bought for them abroad,I offer both of them a tea, both decline - he loads the presents into my car from me and the boys for his parents, our niece and nephew and leaves - he was here 10 minutes at the most - that left me stunned to say the least after not seeing his boys for 3 months.
On the 24th him and his sister pick up the boys at 1 p.m. - plan was for them to bring the boys to the movies and to do a little x-mas shopping and I would take them of him at 8 p.m. - I did a little shopping myself and went to my friends house at 5 p.am. – we were just having dessert and the phone rings – WAH tells me him and his sister want to go home (6 p.m.) and if I could pick the boys up early. So my friend an myself picked them up from the shopping center – WAH didn’t even look at my friend – comment of my youngest when he comes into my car: they wanted to get rid of us. No movies as WAH and his sister weren’t in the mood – both of them dragged the kids through the shops for 4 hours straight – present and shoe shopping apparently. We went back to my friends house for a while and I took the kids home then – we ended up playing board games half the night which was fun. Yesterday WAH missed X-Mas morning in our house and also X-mas dinner – he arrived after 3 p.m. and stayed for 2.5 hours – didn’t bring any presents – we had agreed to give the jackets but i was actually hoping he would have brought something small ( the jackets weren’t wrapped when they got them so I doubt they saw them as a X-Mas present ). And today I get a call in the afternoon of WAH asking me if I need him in the evening as I had planned to go out – I said I am not going out as my friend drank too much last night lol – so he asks me if it’s ok if he doesn’t come at all today and instead comes by in the morning on his way back to the airport to say goodbye to the boys.
Yeah that’s about it – I am pretty shocked to say the least and can’t believe this is my husband.
we were just having dessert and the phone rings – WAH tells me him and his sister want to go home (6 p.m.) and if I could pick the boys up early.
Answer: no, we agreed 8pm. Have a nice time with them and see you then.
Second mistake:
Quote:
Yesterday WAH missed X-Mas morning in our house and also X-mas dinner – he arrived after 3 p.m. and stayed for 2.5 hours – didn’t bring any presents
Was this the plan? If not, why was he there?
Third mistake (few people will agree with me):
Quote:
I said I am not going out as my friend drank too much last night lol – so he asks me if it’s ok if he doesn’t come at all today and instead comes by in the morning on his way back to the airport to say goodbye to the boys.
Answer: No, we're going out. You were supposed to see them today. Have a nice trip back.
He is taking the p*ss. The only way to sort out WAS's who like to use the kids as a weapon / pawn / control / tool to mess with the LBS is to strictly control access. He wants the kids, he has them between x and y times. No alterations. No flexibility until he can demonstrate that is a responsible parent and is capable of understanding that the kids are his too and flexibility works both ways.
The number 1 advantage of scheduling is - there is no room for flexibility at the start. Flexibility leads to arguments, anger, grief, hassle and tantrums. Agree a strict schedule and adhere to it unless there is an emergency.
Sorry BS. I've been here before. Schedules are the ONLY way to go IMO.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
I know I should have reacted differently in these situations - I guess it's hard when it is actually happening.
Plan was for him to cook the x-mas dinner in his parents house so his mum doesn't have to which is understandable - and then to leave 20 minutes before the preparation is finished to eat with us - in regards to the presents - I am not planning these things with him anynmore - he either wants to be involved or not - this is what separation is about - at least for me - each on their own - I had just hoped he would have a small surprise for them.
I think what makes this so hard is his constant string of explanations / excuses - the family didn't want to let him go without eating dinner, the roads are so bad, I have to go home early - explanations which are not completly unreasonable. I have noticed though he was always like this - it's always someone else or something else which makes him act the way he does - either a person or circumstances if that makes any sense.
I think the feeling I had the last 3 days - he is the one losing out, not me - I wasn't particularly upset or anything - but if he ever makes a ccomment about how much he misses the kids ever again I will say something, believe me.
