I am walking through a mine field. W wants to make trouble at every turn. I am trying to control my negative feelings and validate hers. Yesterday, I told her I was going for a run. She got angry bc I should have been cleaning the house. (Historically, I would have stopped and cleaned and nursed a nice grudge). After I ran, she resumed blaming a mess made by D2 on my abence. She announced she would not be going to Christmas with my dads family this weekend. I didn't argue. Said sorry you feel that way and I won't beg you to go. The rest of the day I was cordial and upbeat. Last night, she wanted to leave me out of the family scrabble game. MIL intervened. W argued with MIL over whether I could play. I stayed out of the fray so as to avoid the appearance of builing alliances. Today, more hostility and baiting. Me, smiling like I just got laid. This is hard
From what I have read here, that is completely normal. Get ready for more spew, lies, anger, and blaming coming your way. Sounds like you are handling it just right. Detach, yet be positive, upbeat. It is VERY hard, I am getting better at it, but it is so difficult. Keep above the fray, as you said. Great job on DBing.
Thanks for reminding me of a basic tenent of my approach here. No matter what the outcome, I must be able to say in 5 years to my self and my kids, that I did the best I could.
five years down the road dont mean jack s**t. you could be hit by a bus tomorrow and five years down the road you will be decomposed in a buried casket.
what matters is that you are happy today, yesterday and tomorrow if it comes. and if your spouse if involved in an affair and is in love with someone else, there is no matter what the outcome is. IT IS NOT ABOUT THEM IT IS ABOUT YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
make sure you are happy and moving forward with your life because their life is somewhere else and not worth depressing about.
I have some things to be proud of.First, my kids had a fun filled Christmas. Second, I handled myself very well in spite of much anger, resentment and hostility being thrown at me. Third, I have gained control of my negative feelings created due to the A. I have projected myself with energy, understanding, and confidence.
As discussed in a previous post, my wife declared she would not be attending Christmas with my Dad's family. Since her declaration, I made no further mention of it. I just set about making the necessary preparations. Yesterday morning, we got a bit of a storm. She tried to sieze upon it as an out. She said she was not comfortable with me driving with three kids in the car in this weather. She wanted me to say, 'Well, we just won't go then.' I validated her feelings by simply stating, "I can understand your concerns. I share your concerns. But we have to try. The snow is tapering off and no more is expected. If, when we get out on the road, and conditions are not good, I will use my judgment as to whether to proceed." I went through this three seperate times. ON the third time, she said, asked me to wait while she showered so she could go. I agreed. Then, on the way out the door, she attacked me for not including her in the planning. (Yes, really!) I told her I needed to stop and get a fruit salad. Her response, "You could have told me. I would have made one." My response, "I did tell you we needed to take a fruit salad. Your response was that we should take food we already have(left overs). You said you were not going. So I made plans to get fresh fruit at the store on the way." UNREAL! En route, the roads were a bit rough in spots. In one nasty spot, she made a sound. I lept at it. I validated her by saying "I understand how you feel." Her response was, "what are you talking about?" I said, "You were concerned about the roads before we left and now you can see the conditions are less than optimal. Your concerns have been confirmed and I was saying that I understand them." Response, "I'm fine. I came because three kids in the car is too much for you under these conditions." BULLLSH*T! All three were watching a movie an barely made a peep. This was BS. She didn't want to lose face. If I showed up without her, I would face questions. She wants to keep thinks under wraps. She wants to hide her depression, she wants to hide her A, she wants to hide our marrital problems. Not sure how to use this to my advantage, yet. Any thoughts?
This morning, she asked if I would watch the kids for a while today(even though it is a work day for me.) I said sure, I will watch them if you want to go to the office, no problem. Her immediate response, "OH, you'll watch them if I am at work, but you won't if I am doing something else. Forget it. I will just take them to my mothers." (Of course there was much scorn in her voice.) Now, I would have loved to say, "I will watch the kids if you want to work, run errands for the family or do whatever." I won't take time off work so you have have lunch with GF or go to your piano leason." (Previously, I would have accomidated her no matter what she wanted.) I asserted a boundry here. She showed no effort or interest in working out any type of arrangement. She went straight to conflict. There was nothing for me to do. I mean, she was so contemptful. I simply let it go and and told her in a pleasant, cheerful tone to have a nice morning.
It still astounds me that she could have an A, show minimal remorse, and still expect me to be at her beck and call. Crazy.
This was BS. She didn't want to lose face. If I showed up without her, I would face questions. She wants to keep thinks under wraps. She wants to hide her depression, she wants to hide her A, she wants to hide our marrital problems. Not sure how to use this to my advantage, yet. Any thoughts?
Steve, this is a hard question to answer. I think I have some emements of all stages. For the most part, I am in acceptance. I am still dealing with some negative emotions, but I have them under control and I am focusing on healing. Whatcha thinkin?
