how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[chatterbug]

I think you should just tell the tenents to contact him if there is an emergancy.

You are using the apt. as an excuse to contact him again. Why is this?

You have no need to contact him at all.


What is the game.

The game is your live Aver. Spend this winter and spring doing the things you love. With your friends. Work with them to work on yourself.

People talk Aver. And this is another sign of your co-dependancy issue you have.

Your improvements etc.... Are all based around. Will he notice.
You keep saying this over and over.

This is about YOU.

Improve for yourself.

You need to go completely dark. You need to automate the expenses. This is an excuse because you refuse to detatch. You keep reseting the clock.

What you are doing is not working.

So time to switch it up Aver.

Become this independent person you say you are.

[newmama]

Aver, are you choosing to go dark or to maintain monthly contact? I guess I'm confused! Remember that NC will help you to detach a lot easier than C.

[Ready2Change]

And the game is....?
Or am I just being dense?

All depends on the SCOPE.

"The game" is YOUR DREAM.
"The game" is how you live your life.
"The game" is where you focus your energy.

I feel "the game" we are discussing here could be limited to the R with the WAS.

[Ready2Change]

Part of my game:

Commitment to personal growth
Always do my best.
Be the best dad.
Live in the present.
Do things that make me happy.
Pass out what I want to receive.
Take care of me.
Take care of my kids.
Do what is best for my kids and me.

[avermont]

Hi all-

Wow, a lot of input to digest. I'm not good at pulling out the quotes yet, so let me try to see if I can respond to newmama:

---Angry at posters for the advice they offer?
No--absolutely not! Apologies all around if I came across that way. I appreciate everything everyone is offering in the way of advice and support.

----Yup, Puppy and Cutterbug scolded me for chasing.
I appreciated their input.

---Doubting word gets around?
----I don't doubt that Puppy knows what he's talking about. I just can't imagine--in my own limited imagination--anyone really going up to X and saying: hey! Av is such and such! I haven't experienced that going the other way, or with other couples that have broken up.

---Naming names.
------I was quoting and citing sources--is it not the thing to do on this forum to say "so and so suggested such and such?" If that is bad form, I won't do it again.

So--newmama--thank you for your critiques. I don't want to come across as angry or not appreciative. Apologies all around if I have done so.

I like both newmama's suggestion that I DO let X know that I will be away for the week: mystery; asking for help; also plus just being a responsible landlord. But then I also liked Cutterbug's argument, to just take care of the tenants as we usually do (which is just giving them all contact and emergency info) and not saying anything to X about going away. Keeps the NC going more.

So--you see--conflicted as always, but truly taking to heart suggestions and pondering what feels right--or as Coach says--what feels MOST uncomfortable, and do that!

Now I want to check in on pearlharbr and see how her skiing trip is going--

[chatterbug]

hey aver. how you doing?

Drop by Newmama and my threads over in the affair section.

We have been talking love languages. I would love your opinion.

Take Care.

And If you do not post until after xmas. Have a good day. And smile. You know a ton of people care about you.

[chatterbug]

Aver I saw your posts in the other threads. Can you update here for those who follow this thread.

Stay strong girl.

[avermont]

Thanks for checking in. I'm not real clear on how to keep threads/forums consistent.

Update: bill paying was fine & friendly. I was business like. He initiated convo about his truck. Finished bills, then he prolonged convo, asking about one of my volunteer projects.

Walked out together. He said in a soft little way "guess I 'll get in my little rental car and go home..."

Very diff from Oct. When I last saw him.

Based on this and nothing else, I allowed myself total non-detach, fantasy I might get a txt on my bday(ties).

Of course, got nothing, sobbed and wept in spite of having good day with friends.

Stupidly checked in with his mom to see if he was in town Xmas eve, so I would feel safer going to bar.

Turns out they went to Chicago for Xmas. 2nd time he has gone. Then they are going to his mom's in AZ.

He really does not like his mom. She is very socially awkward. When we visited her, I did a lot of the work to keep convo pleasant and going.

So it is a VERY big deal to bring OW to meet her. His mom is on my side, but of course she will be polite and want her son to be happy.

I literally cried all day. One of the worst days ever.

On a good note, I took your advice cutter, and dealt with the tenants/being away without contacting him OR putting his phone in the info

Very interesting that he goes away for a week without checking that I am around for the week to keep an eye on tenants. A real letting go re: house/tenant.

Upshot is, I am back several steps in detaching, and deeply into grief.

Bad couple of days, for sure.

How was getting thru Xmas for you?

[rockedworld]

Aver,
I hope it gets better for you now this week.
Stay strong! We are cheering you on and in your corner!

[chatterbug]

Aver this is why you have to detach and go dark. Start to protect yourself from these evenets. Until your at a position to deal with them.

You gotta stop reseting the clock.