Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[P17]

Seriously? I was thinking it is starting to look dismal!

You're on the ground there. I'm a few thousand miles away and only have a few posts to go on ...

He left me when I was pregnant and has remained with her since S was born...9 months now! I mean I do have hope but it seems like the light is getting dim (I think of hope as looking like light shining down from a dark sky)

It is getting dim. But maybe the light needs to go out completely before things will change around. While the light is on at all, he can still see you and S. Maybe when the light goes out and he can't see you anymore, it may make a difference?

P, this is rather insightful--this seems plausible--he is the kind of person who doesn't make major decisions quickly and mulls them over until he decides. So if he is going along for the ride and maybe reaching out, is it bad that I have started pulling away a little?

I'm going to answer that without answering it as I simply don't know. It could go either way. I'll explain with my own sitch.

W is the kind of woman who doesn't handle rejection. She would rather walk away than fight for something in case she got rejected - she's a coward (like all WAS's). If we look at NC just now as purely getting the spouse back (as that is a tiny part of it) then NC for me is a HUGE gamble and one I actually think I will lose. She will EITHER see me pulling away as rejection and my acceptance than the M is over and walk off into the sunset with OM even if it's not what she wants to do. OR she will come around as pulling away is supposed to make them do.

Your H could be the same. Pulling away could make him say 'oh well, it's over' and he will just move on (as you have a S that would be insane in my book but then I ain't your H) or he will see you walking away and get a sudden realisation of what the h*ll he actually wants.

My thinking in your case is that the cake eating he is doing (and I know you're well aware of it) is actually just postponing whatever decision he will make. He has two women who love him, a S, a stable wife and homemaker who will be there for him, a crazy fantasy like women who will be there for him ... he has everything he could want. You need to take that away from him. He may choose to stay with OW or he may choose to come back to you or he may even choose to walk away from both of you. However he will at least have made a decision and you will know the answer which will allow you to make a decision for yourself.

I keep reading advice given to other BSs on here or in newcomers. Sandi says they need to hit rock bottom or face the fear of losing something major before coming out of it. So I have been thinking about pulling away more and more and telling him he needs to take S with him on his days off instead of coming here; but 8 hours is too long for S to be away.

Is it too long though? I don't know the reasons (although I can obviously guess some) but would it be worth the sacrifice?

I agree that the WAS has to have the A end and to hit rock bottom before they realise what they have done. Some never do. Although you can help them along that road to hitting rock bottom by pulling the rug out from under them. In my case it was NC for me and D.

Sandi2 is one person on here I don't tire of reading.

ANd continuing this thought: if he is indecisive, let's say, and going along for the ride, then could he be looking for signs from me saying "I am done" to help him decide to D? (I know it's mind reading but I think it's okay to brainstorm possible scenarios)

This is mindreading as you said.

Has he not said he wants to D anyway? (I can't remember entirely although I do remember you being worried about him talking about it before).

Maybe he is looking for signs from you to say you're not done and that the door back to you is still open? However, as far as I can see that's exactly what you have been doing and he has done nothing.

He may be looking for you being done so the D doesn't hurt you as much.

I think only you can make that call.

Is it bad that I have been so nice and caring and then by switching to being more distant it will give him the wrong message? Ugghh...confused...

It might actually be the exact thing you should have done. You are all nice and caring and he gets comfortable with things and then BAM ... you go dark and he has no idea what the h*ll has just happened. A huge 2x4 to the head that he didn't see coming.

Just my 2p worth.