Sometimes it's just so much easier to say the substance of, "You should be ..." or "married people are supposed to ...." or "Everbody else does ....." or "Experts say ....." -- instead of "I feel unloved and ugly and unsexy and alone."
Whether it's because we don't, deep down, feel that our preferences really matter at all or because we aren't comfortable with expressing vulnerability or what.
When you come right down to it, though, pressuring our partner to be just like us or like what we think is healthy is kind of controlling and unfair. It tells them *they* aren't good enough, just as much as them not desiring us physically can send us the message that we're not good enough. An invalidation for an invalidation, yep, that helps nobody.
The pressure I have placed on Mrs. Cinco has made her feel not good enough. She has even said that I want her to feel and be just like me and that she is not. *I know* we are not alike and *I know* she will never feel and experience things as I do. I still have a hard time just letting her be who she is and to move at her own pace.
It doesn't change that I want to touch her and kiss her all over and to ravish her.
Originally Posted By: Kettricken
The best we can do is express what makes US feel most loved and satisfied, personally, without casting ourselves as as the acme of all that is true and right. Then the ball is in their court.
Yes that's the tough part - to be honest about what we want without making our partner feel defective.
Getting past my own feelings of defectiveness was half of the battle too. Once I knew it was normal for me to be a sexual person and to have desire for my wife - and most importantly not to suppress that desire - then I was able to tell her how I was feeling and what I wanted.
I want you Mrs. Cinco. That's all I have ever wanted.
Originally Posted By: DanceQueen
If I had to guess, I would say that her main issue is body image. She feels fat (per your earlier posts) and she can't get past the very typical feeling many women have of "well if I looked like fill-in-the-name-of-movie-star, then I'd want to show off my body more...but I don't look like her and I don't feel sexy when I'm naked, so I avoid being naked".
DQ, this is her #1 issue. Nothing I tell her makes any difference. A change in her attitude about herself can only come from within her. I hope she will continue to do this for herself.
Our ST has helped her at least start to think about herself in a more positive light. She's going back to school again too (another thing that has made her feel inferior). Her best friend is a big influence in self esteem for her and encouraged her to go to school, that she can do this. I was very excited when she said she wanted to go to school too and support her in doing so.
All these things little by little are helping her to see how beautiful and alive she is. Why I love her so much and why I want her.
If she would just see it and believe it for herself. I hope she will.
