Cinco you said: "She is honest with me about how she does not know why it is so hard for her to feel free in the bedroom."
This is actually really amazing progress in my opinion. For her to even look at this about herself and admit she doesn't know why she feels that way is HUGE. In itself, this admission may not really lead to direct progress for you two in the bedroom...but most LD people just think that they way they feel is "normal" and don't ever think about "why do I feel this way?"
Also, not knowing why she feels this way at least rules out a lot of things. If there was an immediate "reason" in her mind (ie: a traumatic experience earlier in life, or some bad messages she received about sex, or some other specific experience) then she could work on those issues, and now that she knows it was not something like that, then she can move forward and work on the "why" without being distracted by some other issue.
If I had to guess, I would say that her main issue is body image. She feels fat (per your ealier posts) and she can't get past the very typical feeling many women have of "well if I looked like fill-in-the-name-of-movie-star, then I'd want to show off my body more...but I don't look like her and I don't feel sexy when I'm naked, so I avoid being naked".
Actually a lot of men feel like this too, but the degree to which they don't feel sexy may or may not affect their ability to let go and feel free during sex.
I have a girlfriend who had wondered for years why her boyfriend (now husband) didn't seem interested in sex. After talking to her a lot, it seemed the answer wasn't that he was LD, it was poor body image issues. He was thin but also kind flabby at the same time, and has ezcema (which was very extreme, not a light case), and he didn't feel sexy when he was naked, therefore he couldn't imagine that she would enjoy herself if she was forced to look at him during sex. Of course, she loved him and was attracted to him and did want to enjoy his body...but because he couldn't feel that way about himself, he couldn't perform. (I don't know if they have worked this issue out or not as she moved away from here and I can't have those direct conversations with her anymore).
Even men and women who have very attractive bodies can shut themselves down if they have body image issues. It is all about what you "think" you look like, versus what you actually look like. Unfortunately, no amount of compliments will change a person's attitude about their own image. They have to dig inside themselves and find out why they are using this as a tool to avoid intimacy...not only with their partner but also intimacy with themselves and their own bodies.
That's just my guess, and I hope she has at least begun to discuss this line of thought with your MC or ST.
Sometimes it's just so much easier to say the substance of, "You should be ..." or "married people are supposed to ...." or "Everbody else does ....." or "Experts say ....." -- instead of "I feel unloved and ugly and unsexy and alone."
Whether it's because we don't, deep down, feel that our preferences really matter at all or because we aren't comfortable with expressing vulnerability or what.
When you come right down to it, though, pressuring our partner to be just like us or like what we think is healthy is kind of controlling and unfair. It tells them *they* aren't good enough, just as much as them not desiring us physically can send us the message that we're not good enough. An invalidation for an invalidation, yep, that helps nobody.
The pressure I have placed on Mrs. Cinco has made her feel not good enough. She has even said that I want her to feel and be just like me and that she is not. *I know* we are not alike and *I know* she will never feel and experience things as I do. I still have a hard time just letting her be who she is and to move at her own pace.
It doesn't change that I want to touch her and kiss her all over and to ravish her.
Originally Posted By: Kettricken
The best we can do is express what makes US feel most loved and satisfied, personally, without casting ourselves as as the acme of all that is true and right. Then the ball is in their court.
Yes that's the tough part - to be honest about what we want without making our partner feel defective.
Getting past my own feelings of defectiveness was half of the battle too. Once I knew it was normal for me to be a sexual person and to have desire for my wife - and most importantly not to suppress that desire - then I was able to tell her how I was feeling and what I wanted.
I want you Mrs. Cinco. That's all I have ever wanted.
Originally Posted By: DanceQueen
If I had to guess, I would say that her main issue is body image. She feels fat (per your earlier posts) and she can't get past the very typical feeling many women have of "well if I looked like fill-in-the-name-of-movie-star, then I'd want to show off my body more...but I don't look like her and I don't feel sexy when I'm naked, so I avoid being naked".
DQ, this is her #1 issue. Nothing I tell her makes any difference. A change in her attitude about herself can only come from within her. I hope she will continue to do this for herself.
Our ST has helped her at least start to think about herself in a more positive light. She's going back to school again too (another thing that has made her feel inferior). Her best friend is a big influence in self esteem for her and encouraged her to go to school, that she can do this. I was very excited when she said she wanted to go to school too and support her in doing so.
All these things little by little are helping her to see how beautiful and alive she is. Why I love her so much and why I want her.
If she would just see it and believe it for herself. I hope she will.
