Pls help--confused and fearful

[P17]

DBD, I'm sorry but I need to hit you with the 2x4 you are expecting. I have a lot of sympathy for you, as you know, and a lot of respect for you but at the moment I am really disappointed.

You shouldn't have responded to ANY texts at all. What you have done, as you actually know, is give him all the power back. This is why he is acting the way he has been.

Your husband is doing all of this to hurt you every single way he can. The only way he knows he actually is, is by you responding to him. Nothing more.

You know he is doing this DBD. You've been told. You understand so why are you constantly playing his game? I don't get it.

Finally, one of the reasons you need to stop is his crap. He is talking crap. You are buying it and it's hurting.

[Day by Day]

{ newmama}

Oh, your encouragement helps. I've had a rough day. Being a SAHM for over 12 yrs has not helped for finding a job. I don't have work references, my training is out of date, and I pretty much only qualify for entry level jobs it seems. I've been applying for anything right now. It has to work around my school schedule and the kids schedule a little. I remember my L saying that I'll get rehabilitative alimony to help me get training to get a job. I'm really seeing an end to this R. I think it has to head in that direction.

@P--I felt I don't have anything left to lose. I stink at DBing it seems. I had to get it off my chest for the past 8 mos that he is an adulterer and have him read it. I was happy to tell him that he doesn't make me afraid to threaten D. If he does file, I'm ready. I mean it. There's been not one bit of remorse from that man.

[P17]

@P--I felt I don't have anything left to lose. I stink at DBing it seems. I had to get it off my chest for the past 8 mos that he is an adulterer and have him read it. I was happy to tell him that he doesn't make me afraid to threaten D. If he does file, I'm ready. I mean it. There's been not one bit of remorse from that man.

It's not about DBing DBD. It's about your sanity. Your strength. Your self-confidence. That is the stuff you have left to lose here.

He is an adulterer, but I can't help remembering what PDT (I think) said to me quite some time ago - you can't teach an adulterer. He knows what he is. He knows what he has done. He knows you know. He doesn't care. If he did, he'd stop or at the very least minimise it's impact.

There will be no remorse from him until he realises what he has done. In order for that to happen the A needs to end and he needs to hit an emotional rock bottom. Until that happens, and it may never happen, you won't see anything from him but venom, spite, guilt and hurt.

[sandi2]

P17 is correct.

[Day by Day]

The combo of Xmas and his cutting me off financially and him hurting my pride got to me. I just HAD TO tell him I think he's an arrogant narcissistic @ss and adulterer. It was dying to come out!!! I just had it with his nastiness and walking all over me. In a way it was a 180... I've been taking and taking and taking his cr@p and being nice about it. I stink at having patience. So far I don't feel he got power back by my responding. I'm not feeling like trying to pursue, trying to be attractive, or trying to lure him back. I'm tired of him being awful towards me. I have my kids, friends and family filling my love bank instead.

There will be no remorse from him until he realises what he has done. In order for that to happen the A needs to end and he needs to hit an emotional rock bottom. Until that happens, and it may never happen, you won't see anything from him but venom, spite, guilt and hurt.

I'm starting to think it may never happen. WAH is toooooo prideful to recognize he made a mistake and apologize for it. Too much pride to show he'd hit emotional rock bottom.

Here's a new 180 I'm doing... I'm worshipping at a new church of a different faith. Somehow WAH picked up on it for Xmas eve and was curious about it asking the kids where we went. WAH doesn't practice any religion or pray. Strange he noticed this. This big change for me and I'm doing it for myself and my kids since it has always been my concern anyway.

Another thing... WAH gave D a Tiffany necklace. Early this year I had told him I wanted one. D said WAH was very surprised she knew what it was. I think it's really odd for him to give it to her... feels like he did it to hurt me. Why would he give her a costly necklace if he didn't think she'd know about it? Dumb.

[newmama]

I'm not feeling like trying to pursue, trying to be attractive, or trying to lure him back. I'm tired of him being awful towards me. I have my kids, friends and family filling my love bank instead.

Yes you do!! As for luring him back...different plans fit different scenarios. Based on his super rude and childish behavior, I do not think I would be able to do that with him either! I thought you switched from that idea to NC+GAL. Guess what? He is noticing your GAL whether you want him to or not! Do you think maybe he got that necklace for you originally and then changed his mind and gave it to your D instead? I agree that it is weird...definitely pushing your buttons.

[Day by Day]

I positively do not think he got the necklace for me and changed his mind. Definitely to push my buttons. Whatever.

I'm working on my plans for the first half of the year, plans which do not include him. I'll be volunteering at the hospital, going to school, going to a new church, trying to find a job... I'm feeling good about these changes. I'm not caring about whether he would approve or not. Feels good. I'm finding myself. If/when he wakes up, I'll be a new person and may not want him back. I'm not doing it for those reasons, just seeing that it'll probably happen. I'm liking my freedom to be me and not care whether he approves. I'm not going to walk on eggshells anymore.

[chatterbug]

Day by Day. Lioness. I like that.

[Day by Day]

Thanks cutter for the nice pat on the back! I'm feeling strong even after the nasty exchange w WAH.

I think of him possibly filing this week... I can't see my L until the 4th. I don't know if he can get it done this week or if he was bluffing.

WAH TM'd D yesterday asking if she wanted to see her cousins today and he'd take her. D didn't reply and she hasn't heard anymore from him. She said she didn't want to see him and his message "sounded weird". Mind reading here... he probably is testing to see if I told them about OW. They've known for a couple weeks. His behavior towards them has really killed their respect for him--they've cried too much lately because of his meanness towards them in person or on the phone.

I need to square away my plans for NYE. I was invited to a party where I can take the kids. I don't want to contact him, but after the probs with Xmas eve, I don't want any more hassles from him. He hasn't asked for contact with them lately but to harass me, he'll probably ask to have them NYE. S said he's taking him to a basketball game on NY day. I wasn't informed of that by WAH.

Had a good day today. Spent time with my parents, my girl friend and kids. Also saw The Ugly Truth movie. Kinda made me think of DBing... about 180s to attract a man.

[sandi2]

Do you feel that you've reached the place that you can drop the rope and move on with your life?