One day at a time....

[Lotus]

Happy for you RW. Keep on keeping on!

[Deep]

Hope it's rockin and rollin good Rocked .

The flashback / pain part, as I posted elsewhere, it may not ever go away entirely, but you'll get a better appreciation of the "pain is there, suffering is optional" saying. You may not ever like the fact you can't change what happened, but you can remove the hurt that surrounds the situation.

Oh, and did you mean Willow Tree figures? Gave me goosebumps that. Much earlier on in my sitch, W bought me a few. 2 were for me specifically, the ones named "together" and "promise" (together sounds like the one you mentioned), plus "family" for well, the family.

[rockedworld]

Hope it's rockin and rollin good Rocked .

The flashback / pain part, as I posted elsewhere, it may not ever go away entirely, but you'll get a better appreciation of the "pain is there, suffering is optional" saying. You may not ever like the fact you can't change what happened, but you can remove the hurt that surrounds the situation.

Oh, and did you mean Willow Tree figures? Gave me goosebumps that. Much earlier on in my sitch, W bought me a few. 2 were for me specifically, the ones named "together" and "promise" (together sounds like the one you mentioned), plus "family" for well, the family.

Hi Deep,
I have never heard the "pain is there, suffering is optional" saying before, but I like it. I am going to hang on to that.

And yes... I did mean Willow Tree. I think I had too many rum and eggonogs last night...lol. I love them (oops, I mean Willow Tree not rum and eggnog, although...... those are pretty good too, lol)! And, yes, the one I got is "Together". I have admired it before and given it to others as a wedding gift before. H knows that is so meaningful for me. Wow, what a coincidence that your W gave you those as well.

We've had a bit of a roller coaster already today. I don't want to go into the details, but something triggered me, which was very understandable and I didn't handle it well. So, now I am struggling because I really should apologize for the way I handled it, but when H reacted to me he was so taken aback (did not get AT ALL why I was triggered) that he made it seem like I was crazy to be triggered at all and that he didn't care that I was. So, because I am hurt about that, now I don't feel like apologizing!

Ugh! It's Christmas. I should just accept responsibility for my part, swallow it, and be the big girl. I get tired of always being the one to do that, though, as I am sure most of us are.

Anyway... can't let that ruin what has been a meaningful Christmas so far.

[rockedworld]

Journaling... and, if anyone can help that will be great!

After such a beautiful evening last night, today was a struggle. Part of the roller coaster ride I guess. Don't like it!

Here's the bits I could use some input on. For one thing, H is actually quite emotionally fragile right now. That is just the truth, not an excuse. I know that, because I see him trying hard with the piecing. I believe he is depressed and has been since before the A, which contributed to his vulnerability to the A. Anyway, because of this, I am sucking up a lot of my emotions (but still dealing with them here, with my IC, with one good friend)... and sometimes with H when he can handle it.

H seems to have a very difficult time understanding some of my triggers. I don't know how to respond to that. He thinks they should be "logical" and they are just NOT sometimes.

So, for eg. this morning, H was watching some videos online of a particular recreational activity I know he and OW did together. We have also done this activity together as a family, and it is an activity that is one of his favorite things to do. So.... logically, it is unlikely that watching the videos has to do with OW. But, it triggered me, just because I know they did that together once (as opposed to the hundreds of times it was done with us as a family or with buddies of my H etc.) So, no... not necessarily logical.

For some reason, I was triggered so badly that I had trouble pulling myself together and ended up confronting H in the bedroom. He, understandably, felt blindsided and cornered and reacted badly as well.

I tried to apologize for over reacting a few times, and tried to make a few attempts at lightening the mood, doing something nice (bringing H a drink) but to no avail. He was miserable all day.

Tonight, I brought it up and he was still clearly very angry. He launched into how illogcial it was, he wasn't doing anything wrong, he felt cornered, he is tired, can't cope with this now, etc.

I tried to explain that triggers after an A are not always logical but they do and will happen. I explained I will try my best to handle my emotions when they do, apart from him until I am calmer... but I can't guarantee that will always happen. He softened a bit after this, but still made for a yucky Christmas Day. So now I feel like s**t.

I am losing perspective here. Was I so out of line?

What do you do when your returned WAS doesn't understand the triggers?

What do you do with the injustice of feeling like you do so much of the changing/apologizing/trying to make better, etc.?

And... am I crazy? Why DID I react so strongly to this? We had a beautiful evening, everything was good. Why? Why couldn't I logically reason out that he was thinking of taking out family to do this activity sometime and was looking at places to do that.... (which is what he said he was doing).

And, after all his positive attempts lately, why does this day turning out like this even make me second guess making this work? Why do I feel like saying, "why am I bothering to do all this work to feel like I get punished all day Christmas Day when I am just experiencing normal emotional triggers after being betrayed?"

aaargh.... I feel guilty even writing about this when I know so many people on these forums are dealing with so much worse situations right now. And, here my H is home, is re-commited to our M and gave me a beautiful gift and card last night to tell me that.

What is WRONG with me?

ok, think I'm done venting now....whew!

[rockedworld]

OK... just had a thought.

Could it be that H was miserable today not just because of me and our tiff this a.m.? We had a fairly recent conversation in which H told me that one of the things that resulted in a big conflict between H and OW before their break up was when he told her he would not spend Christmas away from his kids, which meant being with me too since we weren't even separated at that point. Apparently this resulted in her not speaking to him for a few days. She apparently has a very dysfunctional family and likely spent the bulk of yesterday and today alone (or at least that's what she told H to gain his sympathy... its not like she doesn't have all kinds of friends, etc.) Anyway... I am wondering if H was struggling with mixed emotions of choosing to be here, genuine about working on the M and choosing us, but feeling sympathy for her, missing her etc. Which... logically I know is to be expected, but emotionally... well, it just sucks big time!

Just a thought that occured to me....

Whether I like it or not, better to face it, acknowledge it, and deal with it.

So, do you ask your spouse about that... if they are feeling anything like that? Or just leave it? H is pretty open with me about stuff like that.

[Deep]

I'm not sure I can add that much that is helpful Rocked, but if I had to use a word it would be Acceptance.

Youve been hurt, badly. Wounds this deep don't heal overnight, and not without scars. H, on his part, did some bad mistakes, whether in a fog or not, and there are consequences. It's important that you do not tear each other apart constantly over this, but at the same time, accept that if crap happened, the cleaning up would stink at times.

As someone posted elsewhere, you live with the knowledge that at some point in time, someone supplanted you, pushed your H's buttons. You move on from that, but the memories and fears are real.

Be patient and kind and allow for backslides on both your parts .

(I also had a sort of a difficult situation myself (it's boxing day lunch time here now). Might post it in my thread later perhaps).

EDIT: and not to mnetion, even in the best of situations, H is still dealing with the emotional fallout and breaking of connection over the A. It's gonna try the both of you for soem time ...

[pearlharbr]

Rocked, you are NOT crazy. What Hope said about triggers is spot on--they are not logical, are strong and painful, and eventually they will lessen in severity and frequency.

This is one of the reasons I suggested you and H read those books. I know it helped BF tremendously to know what I was going through. He is very understanding about my episodes because he know they can strike whenever for whatever reason and what he needs to do to respond to them. After reading, we discussed what I need from him when I'm feeling insecure: reassurance from him by holding me, telling me that he loves me and intends to stay with me. I was specific so he knows exactly what I expect and isn't floudering and feeling even worse because he knows I'm upset because of him and he can't do anything to lessen the hurt. Make sense?

I know your H is in IC for his own issues but he needs some help with how to deal with the R issues as well because you can't just put everything on hold until he feels better.

Yes, your H is going through his own stuff too. It will help once he gets to the point where he will volunteer this information so you don't have to wonder what's going on in his head. BF is extremely non-confrontational and never wanted to discuss his feelings before (how we got into this mess in the first place). Now he knows that it's his responsibility to bring things up that are bothering him because he can't expect me to be a mindreader and vice versa. For now it's good to just keep in mind that it may not be about you.

Deep's post is excellent also. It will take time and there will be backslides. The important thing is how you handle them.

Remember to be kind to yourself.

[rockedworld]

Deep and Pearl,

thank you both so much. I was actually going to bed, then couldn't stop thinking about this so thought i'd check to see if anyone had any words of wisdom for me.... and you two came through!

Thank you both for validating my emotions/experiences. Pearl, I know we need those books... I think I'll look for them this week.

In reflecting, I am realizing there are also other reasons I was pretty emotionally fragile today (some extended family stuff, financial concerns etc.) There is just too much all at once.

But I know you are both right that these times are part of the piecing and I can't control H's choices/responses but I can work on mine. Being kind to myself, giving myself a break, knowing it's understandable, etc.

OK I think I have a better perspective now....

Deep, I will be interested to know your news.

You two Rock!

[Lost Rabbit]

Hi Rocked

Hope today is a better today for you! Triggers are hard to get to grips with, Im struggling with just reminders of the fact H was away from me for six months and has memories and a life that doesnt include me. Also I am having trouble with a boundary which I will go into more on my thread, but its has the potential to throw a spanner in the works, although Im trying hard not to let it. Think Acceptance is something we have to live with, my H has been diagnosed with depression so if I can help at all on that front just drop me a note on my thread. Happy Boxing Day Rocked..

[rockedworld]

Thanks Rabbit,
I know... Acceptance... it really is the key isn't it? I think I have to remember that acceptance is not condoning. By accepting that this happened, I am not saying it is ok, I am saying it just is.
I guess it is like the stages of grieving in a lot of ways isn't it? Acceptance being the final stage...

I will have to check on your thread how things are going for you Rabbit. I hope your Christmas was good and you enjoyed having H home with you.

Today we go to visit the in-laws. Should be interesting. They have no idea what has happened (other than H's sister, who will keep things confidential). In H's family we have always been looked up to as the "model couple and family". H had some conflicts with them in the past few years and chose to be somewhat estranged from them until very recently. So this will be the first Christmas with them in awhile.

We will see what the day brings. So far feeling more positive today...
Happy Boxing Day to you too Rabbit!