here we go again

[Jstar]

well i tried calling but his phone is not working and he called on his mother's phone which i'm trying to avoid getting her on it. she's lied before saying he wasn't home straight to my face and she will do it again.

all i can say is that i can try to call if he doesn't answer then i'll just hang up.

[bluerain]

Hi Jstar, I hope that you had a good christmas!!!

[Jstar]

thanks hope you did as well.

i did get h on phone, spoke for a few minutes. admitted he lied about having an attorney,keeps saying he wants his family, wants to be in house 'we" bought together. i keep validating his feelings. asked if he wanted his family how is going about accomplishing that, he wanted to know why i say he's not trustworthy.

i said i didn't doubt that he loved d2 but his decisions has put her in a bad situation where her care was not good, he got super angry, always protecting his mommy, i explained d2 is thriving where she's at, didn't tell him she is potty learned,

he'd start to raise his voice i tell him then i'm getting off phone, he'd calm down, says he sorry for his mistakes knows he's messed up that he's admitted them, i asked to who, he says to friends and others. i was like well alot of good that does to the person it really matters to.

kept validating his feelings. i did alot of when you do this it makes me feel, i was calm no yelling, he vented and vented. i said it sounded as though he was still angry and needed more time and space from us, so then he asks if he can talk to d2, she's standing infront of me, i ask her if she wants to get on the phone, she asks is it her aunt,(in her words) i say it's your father, she shakes her head no, h hangs phone up.

i waited a little bit tried calling him back and he didn't answer, i even called a few hours later, got mil on phone asked for him, she claimed he wasnt there.

if he did get on the phone i was going to try to explain that the situation is hard on d2 and she is upset and it would take her some time to feel comfortable with him, i was going to suggest he come over, visit with her, with me there so d2 is comfortable, but he never got on phone no did he call back.

[bluerain]

Hi Jstar. How do you feel about the convo? It sounds like it went pretty well, Im sure that it hurt his feelings when she snubbed him, but shes 2, he cant take that personally!

I think that when you validate people, eventually, they run out of things to say! I would go dark until he contacts you again, you both probably need a day or so to process your feelings.

[Jstar]

yeah that convo went fairly well but the afterwards i don't think so. possibley he's still having trouble with his phone, this is what he claims.

he calls leaves msg with a restricted number, says he couldn't take d2 rejection thought i had something to do with it, then thought maybe she was busy with playing with xmas toys and such.

again mentions well can i come over sunday afternoon? major backsliding for me. i left 3 msgs on his vm.

basically saying, i can't do this anymore, lets just have lawyers handle it, i can't take him claiming to want his family and miss us and do absolutely nothing. i said based on his actions he is showing a man who does NOT want his family,

i told him in vm that his msgs are upsetting to me, we will pass on sunday, that it took everything in me to speak to him the past 2 times, to just leave us alone. i was not strong in my voice you could tell i was upset.

there is no change this man is going to make. he had a mc tell him what he / we needed to do and he does not make any attempt. at least by my opinion.

i'm just beginning to feel there is no other option for this unchanging situation then to divorce.

i also told him in vm that me and d2 are not a matter of convenience, he can't just say oh i think today i want to see her and be at his call whenever he may want to she her or me.

maybe if i look at it from his perspective, maybe he's not pursuing so much as to stress me, or maybe he really does not give a crap and just wants to be around when it tickles his fancy, that is what it feels like.

again me holding on to my expectations, i expect him to be doing more and he's not.

[bluerain]

No expectations! Maybe this will be the impetus for him to finally make the change- maybe not. But you told him what you needed from him, very clearly this time, and he can do what he will with it, and I think that it was important for a lot of the things that you told him to come out.

Once you get to the point where you are done trying, is often when they will pick up. And if not, well, you know that you have done all you can. And I think thats important for our recovery process, I know that it was important for my recovery.

[Jstar]

i do think that today is it, actually i know that it is. i sent some msgs today taht his lack of actions has done nothing but to demonstrate he is playing games.

i said you are blaming me for everything, validated his feelings and said i did not feel he was being dishonest. i told him when he said the things he did about wanting his family on xmas eve, then show nothing since then it makes me feel lied to and that he is playing a game on me.

he texts back and says that's not it.
so i respond, then what is it, he doesn't respond.

i say when you don't answer direct questions it makes me feel mistrust for him and lied to

i said i've given him a chance to do something and u don't want it, to just leave us alone, we need peace not games and a roller coaster,

so he texts, it's u jstar, not me i want 2 help but id on't know where to begin so i say sorry u feel it's me, help we don't need help, how about we just keep things the way they are, it's been working, i said you've been told not only by me but someone else, counselor of what needs to happen and it's not something u want, anything less then that is just games by you, i met you half way and u made it how far, i can not do it anymore and get nothing,

so i gave him the benefit of the doubt and resent my choice emails. saying he needs to commit to me, kids marriage, set boundaries with his parents, do counseling, pay half of every bill expense, work each day at our marriage, that both of us messed up, or divorce, i said me and the children will know ur answer if you show up today, u don't we have ur choice.

he texts back, thank you and that was it.

it's been over 3 hrs since these msgs.

as i write this, i know it's pressure, i know it's an ultimatum, and doing everything wrong. i feel like well i will know soon enough, he doesn't show up, i can file for divorce this week get that going, make my plans for what happens after the birth.

am i ready for him to NOT show up, i don't know, but i will know all his comments msgs of him loving me wanting this family wanting a wife were just bullshit.

maybe it will be to much pressure for him to handle, but i didn't not do it send the msgs for him, i did it for me and my kids. the limbo status messes with me and interferes with my life. maybe i shot the marriage in the foot by sending those msgs. i can't make excuses for it, i feel like enough is enough.

[Jstar]

i do think that today is it, actually i know that it is. i sent some msgs today taht his lack of actions has done nothing but to demonstrate he is playing games.

i said you are blaming me for everything, validated his feelings and said i did not feel he was being dishonest. i told him when he said the things he did about wanting his family on xmas eve, then show nothing since then it makes me feel lied to and that he is playing a game on me.

he texts back and says that's not it.
so i respond, then what is it, he doesn't respond.

i say when you don't answer direct questions it makes me feel mistrust for him and lied to

i said i've given him a chance to do something and u don't want it, to just leave us alone, we need peace not games and a roller coaster,

so he texts, it's u jstar, not me i want 2 help but id on't know where to begin so i say sorry u feel it's me, help we don't need help, how about we just keep things the way they are, it's been working, i said you've been told not only by me but someone else, counselor of what needs to happen and it's not something u want, anything less then that is just games by you, i met you half way and u made it how far, i can not do it anymore and get nothing,

so i gave him the benefit of the doubt and resent my choice emails. saying he needs to commit to me, kids marriage, set boundaries with his parents, do counseling, pay half of every bill expense, work each day at our marriage, that both of us messed up, or divorce, i said me and the children will know ur answer if you show up today, u don't we have ur choice.

he texts back, thank you and that was it.

it's been over 3 hrs since these msgs.

as i write this, i know it's pressure, i know it's an ultimatum, and doing everything wrong. i feel like well i will know soon enough, he doesn't show up, i can file for divorce this week get that going, make my plans for what happens after the birth.

am i ready for him to NOT show up, i don't know, but i will know all his comments msgs of him loving me wanting this family wanting a wife were just bullshit.

maybe it will be to much pressure for him to handle, but i didn't not do it send the msgs for him, i did it for me and my kids. the limbo status messes with me and interferes with my life. maybe i shot the marriage in the foot by sending those msgs. i can't make excuses for it, i feel like enough is enough.

[Jstar]

now if he has his head / heart in right place, again my expectations, after i have told him that what he has been saying about wanting marraige, loving me, not wanting a divorce, if you don't show up, what you were say was just bullcrap.

will he look at it from my perspective, ah NO!

to me it's like oh jstar will always be there, i can still live my life for how long i want, oh it' snot on my terms, i'm gonna blow her and kids off.

boy that tells me how much i have faith in him. i am hopeful that he will show up, but doubtful.

he could level with me wheni sent the msgs or later on tonight, jstar lets take it slow, i'll come over to talk to you about it, figure things out, will he NO! that would be what an adult would do, express feelings either way of where the heck your head/heart is or not is.

hmm i'm logical, he's not.

[bluerain]

No mind reading allowed here! So, I guess that his phone is working now?

Lots of us are here after thinking "Well, if H would have just told me how unhappy he was" It seems like a pretty common character flaw, their job was to stop and sit us down and tell us what they needed, that they were unhappy, no just walk out.

Have you read DB/DR? This is just the last resort technique. Its out there now, and you will have your answer. Even if its not necessarily what you would like, it will at least free you up to pursue your future with those babies.