The kids are away; they were here from 4 last night until 11 this morning. We had a wonderful dinner last night (Feast of the Seven Fishes). S14 helped me cook and in-laws came over. Presents this morning; we were so fortunate to share nice gifts with each other. Christmas in less than 24 hours (like my Thanksgiving which lasted for 4 hours).
I watched some tv, straightened up a bit, took a long nap with the puppy.
I didn't go to the x's brother's house with the rest of the family (I had been invited).
I made the decision, and it is still sitting strangely.
X threw me away...am I doing the same thing with all the people he came with? I question myself if I still want a R with them. The xBIL who's fiance/now wife didn't want me at her shower, afraid I would cause a scene. They have a son who is 6 months old now who I have never met; not an email or card for gifts I sent for his birth. (It was his house where Christmas was being held). The xSIL who cosigned x's new house so he could move in with his gf/affair partner only a few months after the divorce. Who just closed on a house with her own married boyfriend/long time affair partner. Oh, yeah, his divorce is almost final, even though their affair has been at least 15 years. Great-grandma who just wants "a nice visit." The other xSIL who is long-suffering with a near-useless H, but who has at least stayed married...admittedly jealous of the friendship I have forged with her mother. Oh, there is the one xBIL and his wife who have remained pretty decent, but are also squeezed into the uncomfortable position of wanting to be there for a brother who is so at-odds with their own convictions.
20 years of connections. Now I am not sure what to do about that...
People complain that the can't pick family. What do you do when you are faced with a choice?
Another creepy horoscope: "Break free from certain peoples' perceptions of your character at this year's holiday party, and use surprise to your advantage. Changing other people's opinions of you may be as easy as dressing differently or saying something surprising. Odd things can still happen to you, even though you may think you're above it all. Things will be different afterward." ---What if the "something different" is not showing up at all?
That, and just feeling... unfulfilled, I guess. I found myself looking for snacks when I wasn't even hungry. I realized the root meaning of that word tonight. My stomach is full, but still... I expected my children to grow up and move away when they were adults, have their own lives. I don't like them not being here, now. Playing with their new toys, just being with me.
Just being with me. That was what I expected my husband to do "as long as we both shall live." I miss that, just someone being with me. I think I would have put up with near-everything, if he had just done that. Weird to know that that is unhealthy, while still feeling it. I am learning, trying so hard, to get to that place where I am ok with just being me, fulfilled with myself.
Just heard a quote I want to remember: "She is an abused woman - she has been conditioned to not respect a man who doesn't hit her."
Seems to be a contemplative night (no, not crying or seriously down, which is good...)
Anyway, here's to us all making new insights into ourselves and making our lives what we hope them to be, a little more every day. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
