Merry Christmas to you as well, Goldey. I read smartcookie's post and it is sad but quite unlike my W. She had poor modeling by parents of what a loving relationship is. Father and mother were both strict and not affectionate. Her mother married a pedophile after her father divorced her mother. Consequently, my W has never really trusted me or loved me unconditionally. I think all victims of abuse have trust issues with men but I'm only going from my experience.
I'm the one who was always trying to figure out how to get her to open up to me. I bought the relationship books and she was the one who wouldn't read them. She seems to think all I ever wanted was sex (she's a sexual refuser) but when you are starving all you can think about is food. Her way of building her self esteem was trying to buy everyone's approval. Always giving the best gifts and best parties. But it was always to get approval from others, not me (I guess she already had mine).
I guess this is what makes it hard for me. I wasn't the crap husband that some WAWs had. Sure, after years of neglect I didn't have much to offer her either and I became boring, just watching TV and surfing the web at night. But she was the one that went to our bedroom at 6pm every evening and checked out.
That's when the OM met her and told her how he adored her and how beautiful she was and he lived to talk to her every day. I could tell my W how beautiful she was every few days but she only heard it from the OM. I should have been more in tune with her love languages but then I've always had this handicap of her not being able to trust me (or anyone) even when we first married. She said she felt neglected but I've felt neglected the entire marriage but I've hung in there because of my faith and committment to our kids that they don't have the same environment she grew up in.
My counselor said M had to become an adult at age 9 when the abuse started. Now she is the "rebellious teenager" who feels she didn't have a chance to spread her wings and now feels she deserves to have what she wants. Plus, she and the OM are codependent and ultimately it would be a disaster for them but I don't want to lose our M just to say you got what you deserve. Underneath her guard and in her heart lies a wonderful person and we could have a great marriage if she could only tear down the walls around her heart and let me in, instead of the OM, who was doing the same thing to his W.
I'd love to hear from any WAWs or abuse victims who have related experiences.
