Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

OK. Wrapping up the day. Spent four hours at W's mom's house. I talked to MIL several times. Joked with SIL. She caught me up on all the happenings at college.

MIL liked the note I included with her gift. SIL thanked me for the card.

Dinner went well. We all had a little wine.

After it got a bit tiring. D7 was pretty excited to have me around so she got a bit out of control.

I tried to spend time in rooms without W -- focus on talking to everyone else.

Finally, W started packing up and asking about logistics. She asked if I could take the dog home. She wanted to visit her best friend, who lives in a rural town.

Now, it is the same town that the biker dude lives in so it's possible she was lying to me and the whole invitation was a ruse so she didn't have to drive the girls to me and then turn around and go back.

This is a weakness in my life. I'm always assuming the worst. It's why I tend to not take chances. The optimist would take her at her word. I mean, I'd been preparing to fill my time without the girls until I was invited to spend time with W's family. So perhaps instead of staring at four walls she set up time with her best friend. Besides I should only worry about things I can control.

On the way I out I gave everyone a hug -- including W, which I know is pursuing, but I figured it was a pursuing weekend so why stop now. She rubbed my back -- I don't know what -- if anything -- that means.

And I can control how I appeared to W and I was happy with how the day went. D10 said after that I seem to like the family so much better now. I said I had no reason to dislike them before and I was wrong for not embracing my role in the family.

Look, I know I'm going to get some 2x4s here for having my head in the sand and appearing weak. I hope overall there were more positives than negatives.

If there is any doubt in her mind or if any doubt creeps in, perhaps she'll remember this day -- the whole family together. It was a great day. It's the way holidays should have gone but haven't for at least five years -- because of my issues.

D7 and D10 had great days -- and ultimately, 20 years from now they will remember the effort I made even if we do D.

If my head is in the sand and there is an OM or there's no change in her iron will, then I'm at the same point I was yesterday, a separated husband on the D train.

I know I have a long, long, long ways to go in detaching. I've actually gone in reverse over the holidays. There's just so much emotion in this damn month.

W texted me to make sure we got home OK with the blowing snow. I texted back we were fine and asked how her friend -- who is also my friend -- was doing. No answer.

With Christmas out of the way, it's back to LRT. No calling, texting unless it's kid related. If it wasn't for DB, I'd be planning on ways I could build on today's interactions. I know now that if ANY seeds were planted I need to back waaaaaayyyyy off and see if they grow.

There are several things she'll need to talk to me about in the next few weeks. Taxes, summer camps, I'll let her come to me.

I'll quietly renew my lease for six more months.

Now the really bad part about the day. On the way home I felt like a drug addict. It was the most time I've spent with W since moving out and there wasn't one cross moment. It didn't feel forced because I -- mostly -- accepted everything that happened and didn't let petty emotions get in the way.

Again, on the way home, I emotionally crashed. I have the girls for the next two days so we came back and opened even more presents. D7 has been a bit out of control all day and was doing it again. I tried to discipline her, her ADHD cropped up and eventually she bit me and I lost it a bit. Then I felt really, really bad and I just broke down in front of both girls.

I'm better now. It's amazing the highs and the lows of the day. I had no idea even yesterday it would work out like this.