Pls help--confused and fearful

[Day by Day]

Wow, thanks missherlove, newmama and P for all the input. Thanks for helping me focus.

@P Let me add to what I was saying about full custody... I can get it if there is physical abuse. Thankfully, there hasn't been.

The thread on going dark helped. I'm going to take advantage of my strong desire for a new life in 2010 to deal the going dark as well.

I keep hearing suggestions not to file for D and just get temp alimony and child support instead... to make him do all the filing work. Yeah, I could and it would be difficult because I have alllllll the paperwork here at home and I keep it locked in the trunk of the car.

I just keep waiting for this A to fizzle out. I've been hoping the holidays would have him snap out of it. I mean, it's been so hard on me, can't he be having a hard time too?! I am starting to feel I just want the A to end just so that they aren't together, not to get H back.

H made contact w me yesterday to see the kids for a few hours. He only wanted them for 2.5 hrs, but I said the return time was inconvenient and for him to keep them longer. He kept them 5hrs instead so that was better. But S12 texted me that he was unhappy and H was insulting him. S is soooo angry at H for all this. H ended up spending lots of money on D instead while S was avoiding him and waited outside the store (texting me how mean H is).

I'm wondering whether to have the kids get him something for Xmas. I've been reacting tit for tat on the holidays since when he left he told the kids I didn't need presents for me to know they loved me. He left a couple days before Mother's Day. They were so sad not to give me anything. So, I didn't buy anything for him for father's day. They didn't care to give him anything since they were/are mad at him for leaving. It would be unexpected if I did have them give him a gift from them. And since it will be in front of his family, I think it would be a good gesture for the kids' sake as well.

I just wish all this family time lately with the kids would have him miss being part of our family again. But he's just not the same person anymore. I'm keeping with giving him space and time... he hasn't seen me in over a month and I've been dim for 2 weeks I think. But, with him not seeing me or having much contact is just making it easy for him to not feel guilt or shame for what he's doing.

[newmama]

DBD,I have been retyping and deleting responses to this. I totally get why you don't want to get him a present. He hasn't been respectful to you and he just started seeing the kids more.
I guess I am inclined to take the higher road...and recommend you do as well. He is the kids' father. (arrggggh I still feel protective of you and conflicted as I type that!!) So something like a giftcard to somewhere is not so bad. The amount doesn't matter that's for sure.

He hasn't been super involved with his kids this whole time during the separation, right? That is the only reason why I hesitate.I want to punish him, too!

It sounds like the kids are in counseling, right? Good for you. I remember as a kids from divorced parents that I felt guilty for still loving my dad and wanting to be with him because I loved my mom, too,and felt loyal to her. I found out later as an adult that this is super common among children of divorce, but I never had counseling as a kid so I just felt guilt for years!

Anyway, right now he is being a crappy dad but what about before the A? And hasn't he been trying to improve? It's better than walking away completely from his kids.

[P17]

I guess I am inclined to take the higher road...and recommend you do as well. He is the kids' father. (arrggggh I still feel protective of you and conflicted as I type that!!) So something like a giftcard to somewhere is not so bad. The amount doesn't matter that's for sure.

Somebody over in Newcomers suggested that you get them a giftcard, but not a giftcard that they would expect (ie. for a shop they always use or is popular) but for a shop that they are unlikely to use or don't use often. Don't make it too obvious you are being awkward (ie. don't buy it for a store that only exists in another State!) but make it impersonal and having little care put into it - it's a token gift.

Remember whatever you buy he will know it's from you even if it's through the kids.

On the flip side, your kids are old enough to make their own decision about presents for him. Let them decide and let them own it (in a nice way not the usual way we talk about owning it in here).

W get's nothing this year - card or present - but that's my choice.

[Day by Day]

DBD,I have been retyping and deleting responses to this. I totally get why you don't want to get him a present. He hasn't been respectful to you and he just started seeing the kids more.
I guess I am inclined to take the higher road...and recommend you do as well. He is the kids' father. (arrggggh I still feel protective of you and conflicted as I type that!!) So something like a giftcard to somewhere is not so bad. The amount doesn't matter that's for sure.

He hasn't been super involved with his kids this whole time during the separation, right? That is the only reason why I hesitate.I want to punish him, too!

It sounds like the kids are in counseling, right? Good for you. I remember as a kids from divorced parents that I felt guilty for still loving my dad and wanting to be with him because I loved my mom, too,and felt loyal to her. I found out later as an adult that this is super common among children of divorce, but I never had counseling as a kid so I just felt guilt for years!

Anyway, right now he is being a crappy dad but what about before the A? And hasn't he been trying to improve? It's better than walking away completely from his kids.

{{newmama}} You are such a sweetheart to feel protective of me Your WH is a fool to not worry about losing a wonderful wife like you.

I guess I'll have the kids put in their input on what to get him, but after reading your and P's posts, I'm thinking a minimal gift card to Starbucks. WH doesn't drink coffee but can have hot chocolate. I will take the high road in spite of him cutting off money. I'm thinking of the kids being empty handed at the gift exchange.

The kids don't want counseling. S says it's a waste of time and doesn't fix anything. When they are ready I'll take them. I hope soon. No, WH is still a crappy dad and he hasn't improved. He doesn't seem to care. He only spent time with them yesterday because I emailed him to see if he was going to get them Monday as usual since I didn't hear from him. He responded by switching to Tues. He is really wants to control everything.

[Day by Day]

WAH texted kids what to get him for Xmas. To burn a CD of their music for him. Kids are saying he's so weird. His clothes have changed, his attitude too and they say his temper tantrums are getting worse. His anger isn't just with me. The man is starting to insult S. He told S that he "has no personality and no life". WTH kind of father says that?! Luckily S says he's just talking about himself and sees that is H describing himself. The kids are so disappointed in him. They say he's boring and he's all about spending money on them to "buy" them but not be an involved dad. All he does is take them shopping or watch movies at his place. He avoids one-on-one time with them.

H also is demanding S (and D) to give him affection and demands for him to call him. S is very angry at him and is now rejecting his calls, so H has threatened to take away his phone and will not give him his Xmas gifts. S is not going to take his phone with him tonight so H can't take it away. Seems H is all about money and that's his identity. Success went to his head. And he's using the money against me by cutting me off.

I'm praying for a good day today. I'd like to spend more time reading threads, but got to pick up a couple more gifts. Hope you have a good day too!

[newmama]

Your kids are so smart! Way to go S!
WAH is acting like a teenager "you have no life?" comment really sounds like it in addition to his temper tantrums. He sure is similar to the way my SIL's exH acted during and shortly after his A! He would threaten the boys with stupid stuff like your WAH--talk me or I won't take you to football practice! He stopped that crap once he ended his A...total insecurity.
DBD,
I need to hear some good qualities about your WAH or I might start talking you into divorce! LOL (only we on the forum can laugh at that, right?)

[chatterbug]

I will laugh with ya.

Take care ladies.

Cutter will be thinking of the both of you.

[Day by Day]

DBD,
I need to hear some good qualities about your WAH or I might start talking you into divorce! LOL (only we on the forum can laugh at that, right?)

I know, right?! It's been so long that I've seen any good qualities that I'm starting to have a hard time remembering them!

I wish everyone a merry Christmas. Hope we can all be reasonably happy. I'll be saying a prayer for everyone here.

[Day by Day]

WAH picked up the kids at 9:30 instead. I missed out on some fun at my party. Oh well. Then he dropped them off at 2am! He gave them lavish gifts.

At 2:30am D13 sent H a text asking why he will not be providing for us. H then called her later saying I'm a liar and that he left me savings to use. Said I can get a job and I need to be independent. I didn't know about this and didn't ask her to do it, but H said to D that she's "doing my work" of discussing it with him. D said he's a "monster" and so mean. She doesn't want the gifts he gave her.

He then sent me and email that was pretty nasty and telling me to be a good example and get a job and be independent. That I should be able to get by with the savings. (It's only enough for 2.5mos). I've had enough of NC. I'm feeling like I've been a doormat accepting insult after insult and he's getting away with so much.

Okay... in between writing this, I've been having a nasty exchange back and forth w WAH. I know I'll probably get 2x4s for it, but enough is enough. Now he said he's filing. I just am tired of being in limbo. What a nice Xmas gift. He can't handle me calling him an adulterer and said I don't have the facts straight. Umm... he's still technically married. Not that adultery matters here in this state, but still. I called his bluff on the D and told him I'm not afraid.

I want input on the kids telling him they know about OW. They've known for a while and they think they shouldn't let time go by with him thinking they are in lala land about it.

I already told WAH that I was going to tell the kids why he left. He said I need help. He repeated it several times that I need help. Trying to provoke me. He says that to everybody when he runs out of comebacks. I feel this has been like an inflamed situation that had to explode before anything better is to happen. Whatever it may be. Ugh.

[newmama]

I called his bluff on the D and told him I'm not afraid.

I think this is fine and it shows strength from you!

I want input on the kids telling him they know about OW. They've known for a while and they think they shouldn't let time go by with him thinking they are in lala land about it.

I know that marriagebuilders really believe that the kids should know their parent is having an A. I don't see the harm in them telling him other than it will cause more arguing and conflict. Your D went ahead and texted him without your knowledge, so how can you stop them from speaking their mind?

I feel this has been like an inflamed situation that had to explode before anything better is to happen. Whatever it may be. Ugh

.

This is what my SIL said about her divorce (if it happens to you). She said sometimes the marriage has to die before you can start anew (they are working on it now).

So, about you getting a job in 2.5 months. I'm so glad you are filing for financial support. What kind of a job could you get after being a SAHM for all of these years that would support the standard of living you need for the kids... and what training is required? You are going to school to get training. You ARE becoming more independent!


just stop the texting for awhile and think in terms of how your responses and behavior could hurt you legally. ((DBD))