Journaling... and, if anyone can help that will be great!
After such a beautiful evening last night, today was a struggle. Part of the roller coaster ride I guess. Don't like it!
Here's the bits I could use some input on. For one thing, H is actually quite emotionally fragile right now. That is just the truth, not an excuse. I know that, because I see him trying hard with the piecing. I believe he is depressed and has been since before the A, which contributed to his vulnerability to the A. Anyway, because of this, I am sucking up a lot of my emotions (but still dealing with them here, with my IC, with one good friend)... and sometimes with H when he can handle it.
H seems to have a very difficult time understanding some of my triggers. I don't know how to respond to that. He thinks they should be "logical" and they are just NOT sometimes.
So, for eg. this morning, H was watching some videos online of a particular recreational activity I know he and OW did together. We have also done this activity together as a family, and it is an activity that is one of his favorite things to do. So.... logically, it is unlikely that watching the videos has to do with OW. But, it triggered me, just because I know they did that together once (as opposed to the hundreds of times it was done with us as a family or with buddies of my H etc.) So, no... not necessarily logical.
For some reason, I was triggered so badly that I had trouble pulling myself together and ended up confronting H in the bedroom. He, understandably, felt blindsided and cornered and reacted badly as well.
I tried to apologize for over reacting a few times, and tried to make a few attempts at lightening the mood, doing something nice (bringing H a drink) but to no avail. He was miserable all day.
Tonight, I brought it up and he was still clearly very angry. He launched into how illogcial it was, he wasn't doing anything wrong, he felt cornered, he is tired, can't cope with this now, etc.
I tried to explain that triggers after an A are not always logical but they do and will happen. I explained I will try my best to handle my emotions when they do, apart from him until I am calmer... but I can't guarantee that will always happen. He softened a bit after this, but still made for a yucky Christmas Day. So now I feel like s**t.
I am losing perspective here. Was I so out of line?
What do you do when your returned WAS doesn't understand the triggers?
What do you do with the injustice of feeling like you do so much of the changing/apologizing/trying to make better, etc.?
And... am I crazy? Why DID I react so strongly to this? We had a beautiful evening, everything was good. Why? Why couldn't I logically reason out that he was thinking of taking out family to do this activity sometime and was looking at places to do that.... (which is what he said he was doing).
And, after all his positive attempts lately, why does this day turning out like this even make me second guess making this work? Why do I feel like saying, "why am I bothering to do all this work to feel like I get punished all day Christmas Day when I am just experiencing normal emotional triggers after being betrayed?"
aaargh.... I feel guilty even writing about this when I know so many people on these forums are dealing with so much worse situations right now. And, here my H is home, is re-commited to our M and gave me a beautiful gift and card last night to tell me that.
