I'm really excited to hear all of the progress! really luv, there are people that have a goal of their H/W just looking at them! that was actually one of my goals.
If you can do it, I would really like for you to not do R talks, like you have unless he brings it up, and try really hard to only listen. you will have other chances in the future to share your hurts, and if you do more back-n-forth stuff, he won't feel that your listening to him...just like you feel he's not listening to you.
when he talks bad about himself, be careful how you validate...like when he said "I've been a bad husband"... I think what G said is good, about you saying you've been a B too..instead of just agreeing with him that he sucks and pretending you don't. (that's how it came across) I would add that it's hard to be loving towards someone when you feel hurt by them. I really want to understand how I've hurt you.
hey luv, I may not be on as much...at my moms house in wichita now and her computer is slow, but I want to tell you you've got lots and lots of good things happening!
just try to remember to validate his hurt, and without doing the back-n-forth thing saying, well I did that because you did this. because you could go back and back and back until you have no idea who started it all. when your able to let him feel that you understand his hurt and that you are open to his feelings without blaming reasons on him, then it will be easier for you to share your own feelings and hurts and help him understand the things he does that hurt you.
fyi, him learning this "i don't wanna lie anymore". that's not a bad thing. that's good. he's not happy, and because he's talking to you, that means he's trying to do something about it. he could do the opposite and just walk away. and for him to read these books is amazing anyways. he's going to get more out of it than you realize IMHO. and the 5 love language, is really good, you both need to read that.
what books are you reading?? I've only heard what he is reading, so unless I missed one of your posts, please let us know.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
ST - I'll respond to your really good post tomorrow but wanted to check in real quick.
H was a jerk today. He said some mean bullsh*t at the table with the kids right there (sarcastic a**) then he tried to turn it around on me (because I got mad) sorry but it's christmas eve and the kids were at the table - unacceptable. He says to me, "I don't give a damn - you better watch out or I'm gonna leave and not come back till Jan 3rd." sick!
so tonight...ugh was just ok at a friends...he kept telling me to "lighten up." ha! he likes to say really ugly things to me and then turns it around as if I started it...manipulative and abusive!
Ok well I'm sure G will be mad at me cuz I was supposed to have a good day. I really was ready for a nice day but I forgot who I was married to.
Luv
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Luv, with all I've shared with you, NEVER compromise your boundaries. I'm not mad with you at all. I think it's time you set a firm boundary on his crap behavior.
He knows what you fear... what you experienced is commonly termed a sh!t-test. You challenged him last week with your, "If you're not happy then leave" statement. Last night he tested your boundary.
I forgot to prepare you for that. My bad. Sorry. My mind is still foggy because I just got up. I wanted to respond to this and will come up with an appropriate response for you the next time he pulls this crap. The one that comes to mind right now is a bit too hard-a$$.
luv, Your stubbornness sounds a bit like mine. I cannot even see reconciliation at this point for me but think if your H is taking the time to go places with you that there is something there to build on. Even when he is being a jerk about it.
How did today go?
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
Luv... I wanted to reply to something on your fb wall, but thought I had better now, in case somone might ask... Who's DeeBee Handful? LOL I got a kick out of one of your wall posts about finally having control of the music in your house. The boys got some major stereo equipment to hook up their ipods and tv's to this xmas. DUMB IDEA! I've had four Motrin today.
Hope all is better!!!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
H was a jerk today. He said some mean bullsh*t at the table with the kids right there (sarcastic a**) then he tried to turn it around on me (because I got mad) sorry but it's christmas eve and the kids were at the table - unacceptable. He says to me, "I don't give a damn - you better watch out or I'm gonna leave and not come back till Jan 3rd." sick!
"Fine. See you then.Goodbye," springs to mind.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
You're workin' it. You just don't know it yet!