Our Story

[J Roberts]

Married 20 years, with 2 children. I became very ill when our youngest was 2, and went through hell for the next 6 years, getting healthy and overcoming my disease. But our marriage went down the toilet in the meantime.

In 2001, I was really feeling it all, and was trying to do little things to let my wife know just how much I loved her and cared. But they really didn't work, she was stressed from 2 young kids, a sick husband, and had no interest in sex or any intimacy for that matter. Sitting together staring at the television with a beer was enough for her.

In a weak moment, a lonely time, a woman befriended me. Nothing ever took place, but there were some edgy emails, and phone calls where she definitely made it known that she could do for me whatever I needed. My wife knew about it, but I walked away from it, because I loved my wife, and really only wanted to be with her.

Fast forward, and after several years of trying to get her to a marriage counselor, I'm preparing to file for separation. I know I should just overwhelm her with all of this love, and unselfish concern for her, but frankly there is nothing left to give. I sacrificed my life, emotionally, for her, only to be [censored] upon and rejected. She will not hardly talk with me any longer, some due to my outbursts of anger when talking about issues that I'm unhappy with, and partly because she wishes she had made other choices. She constantly tells me that she doesn't want to reconcile with me because "you're not the man I married." We got the book SSM, she read the first chapter, and was amazed that it sounded just like us. But refused to read any further.

A brief stint (3 sessions) with a marriage counselor ended in him, a highly regarded Christian counselor, telling me that he didn't recommend divorce, but that in this case he saw no other way out. I'm not sure what she said to him in there, but it was enough for him to throw the towel in after three sessions.

I no longer care, and have to begin caring for myself, thinking of my sanity, and trying to show my children that marriage can be good, although will probably have to hopefully be in the future with a special woman.

I'm talking with her now about separation/divorce, and her only response is "do what you think you need to do." She's either too depressed, or resigned to the outcome, to even care at all now.

I feel lost, burned out, powerless and confused. And I think the only way to heal is out of her presence at this point in time.

Not sure how to tell the kids, but I'll have to do the best I can, and love them through it. Makes me sick...

I've been through denial, appeasement, anger, and now acceptance. And I'm ready to move on. I believe it could be salvaged if she met me part way, but that doesn't look possible. And I don't want to trick her into anything. If she's checked out emotionally, I'll carry her bags to the car, and wish her a nice trip.

That's about it in a nutshell!

[oldtimer]

Have you threatened D in the past? Do you really mean it now or is it an idle threat? Your W may not be getting it yet. She may not get it until you mean it. And, you may be too shut down then to leave the door open. But, try to leave the door open if you leave. She might just come around.

If you are not quite ready to walk out the door, email her honestly about your pain. Use "I" statements. Don't try to save face or protect her. Be honest and vulnerable and more direct than you have ever been. Acknowledge your failings. Tell her what you would like in an M -- a vibrant, passionate, partnership that is good for both of you. Take the risk, what is there to lose?

Also, I'd recommend two books right away:

5 Love Languages:
I think every new couple should have this book, it is an easy read, a bit too religious for my taste, but the lessons are invaluable. If you are serious about giving your M a chance, take the time to speak your W's LL for awhile. She says that you aren't the man she married. She might feel that way precisely because you stopped speaking her LL. Read the book and this will make sense.

Passionate Marriage: a difficult read about how to stop living in a sexless M that doesn't work for you, not a 10 tips for hot sex book, but very powerful stuff for your life, whether you wind up with W or not

Counseling will only help when you are both invested in saving the marriage. She is not. So drop it for now.

Focus on yourself. What can you do right now, today, to make your day better. What can you do better in the M? What have you done wrong? Who would you want to be in your ideal relationship? Be that man now. Right now. You have the power to be who you want to be. So, work on being that person. It is the best chance for your marriage, and the best chance for a great life no matter how things end up.

Now, a word of warning. I hope it doesn't happen, but most people who post here are in a hugs amount of pain because their spouses left them. They sometimes lash out at people who are thinking of leaving. Don't take it personally, they are just in extreme pain. It is clear that you are a loving person who has been banging his head against the wall trying to improve your M. It doesn't make you a bad guy that you are considering D. So, anyway, if they lash out, try to see their pain with compassion rather than seeing a personal attack. There are people here who can help you.

It is worth trying some things before the big bomb. After a big bomb it is worth trying to keep an open mind. Your kids lives can be good in the future, they can be healthy flourishing adults, but something of incommensurable value is lost when you divide your family.

And, whatever your issues are with W, trust me, you will have to work them out with someone, somehow. An MC told me this, and it proved to be remarkably true.

You are a good man. I know you likely feel urgency to get to a better life. But a few months now doesn't mean much in the big scheme of things. Don't rush. Be open. Start with a Beginner's Mind.

[Ready2Change]

First, Sorry about your sitch.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve a #10 relationship. It would be nice to get that with the mother of your children.

...I think the only way to heal is out of her presence at this point in time.

So, I want to suggest that you are also entitled to a break from the R to work on personal growth. I have read enough that I feel we all get to this point (feel lost, burned out, powerless and confused).

I'm talking with her now about separation/divorce, and her only response is "do what you think you need to do

She has agreed to let you do what you need to do, so stop talking to spouse about R and begin caring for yourself and your sanity.

The books I have listed on my first post of my thread are worth reading.

Are you happy? If not, I feel it is very important to get to happy "ALL BY YOURSELF" while you are still married to W. I would like to suggest reading the RUIZ book "The Mastery of Love". Chapter 3 has great words of wisdom on this. The other two books by ruiz are great also.

You said you do not want to "Trick" your wife. How about peak her interest in you again and draw her to you? Want to have fun doing it? Read the art of seduction.

Have you ever given your W 8 or more orgasms in one night? If not how about reading "She comes first".

I also highly recommend reading "Boundaries" by Cloud.

[Dane]

Old Timer is very wise, see his post in the Walk away spouse forum. Good stuff.

[J Roberts]

I'm not gone, just digesting. Thank you.

[soleil]

JR. sorry about ur sitch. my advice is to get some counseling for yourself in the interim. I've never understood why a partner would be so unwilling to try MC but have learned there's no point in pressing further. sometimes a separation can be a good thing. leave the door open as someone said above.

[J Roberts]

Here I am, one year later.

Moved out 1 1/2 mos ago, and my L is officially filing tomorrow.

I wish this whole thing was a bad dream. I still love her, I guess that's why it hurts. But I'm no longer trying to lead "us" to safety. I can see where things went south, and the other barriers that were already waiting in place to trip us up once things got into motion. She is wounded, and unable to heal. And I do feel partly responsible, although I now realize that I was never able to heal her. I wanted to be her savior, make things right for her, I guess.

And where I fit into this whole DB terminology, I don't know. I'm the one who moved out, is filing, who tried to move us to a better place. I was not able to do that, tho. I failed.

My heart hurts tonight, knowing that tomorrow will be the undoing of what was once an incredible love relationship. I see pictures of us, and it hurts like crazy. We were so happy, but didn't know enough to care for each others hearts while we still could, when we needed to. We thought that would just happen magically, I guess.

While you still can, are still able, care for each other. Love each other, take time away to be there for each other. It seems so simple, and it is. Don't let busyness, life's curves, distract you from loving your partner the way you know you should. Or one day it will all be gone.

And I pray, and believe, that God will somehow, one day, allow me to love again.

Prayers for all of you.

J R

[luvless]

Here I am, one year later.

Moved out 1 1/2 mos ago, and my L is officially filing tomorrow.

I wish this whole thing was a bad dream. I still love her, I guess that's why it hurts. But I'm no longer trying to lead "us" to safety. I can see where things went south, and the other barriers that were already waiting in place to trip us up once things got into motion. She is wounded, and unable to heal. And I do feel partly responsible, although I now realize that I was never able to heal her. I wanted to be her savior, make things right for her, I guess.

And where I fit into this whole DB terminology, I don't know. I'm the one who moved out, is filing, who tried to move us to a better place. I was not able to do that, tho. I failed.

My heart hurts tonight, knowing that tomorrow will be the undoing of what was once an incredible love relationship. I see pictures of us, and it hurts like crazy. We were so happy, but didn't know enough to care for each others hearts while we still could, when we needed to. We thought that would just happen magically, I guess.

While you still can, are still able, care for each other. Love each other, take time away to be there for each other. It seems so simple, and it is. Don't let busyness, life's curves, distract you from loving your partner the way you know you should. Or one day it will all be gone.

And I pray, and believe, that God will somehow, one day, allow me to love again.

Prayers for all of you.

J R

This brought me to tears...like reading from my own sitch.

[Denver_2010]

Here I am, one year later.

Moved out 1 1/2 mos ago, and my L is officially filing tomorrow.

I wish this whole thing was a bad dream. I still love her, I guess that's why it hurts. But I'm no longer trying to lead "us" to safety. I can see where things went south, and the other barriers that were already waiting in place to trip us up once things got into motion. She is wounded, and unable to heal. And I do feel partly responsible, although I now realize that I was never able to heal her. I wanted to be her savior, make things right for her, I guess.

And where I fit into this whole DB terminology, I don't know. I'm the one who moved out, is filing, who tried to move us to a better place. I was not able to do that, tho. I failed.

My heart hurts tonight, knowing that tomorrow will be the undoing of what was once an incredible love relationship. I see pictures of us, and it hurts like crazy. We were so happy, but didn't know enough to care for each others hearts while we still could, when we needed to. We thought that would just happen magically, I guess.

While you still can, are still able, care for each other. Love each other, take time away to be there for each other. It seems so simple, and it is. Don't let busyness, life's curves, distract you from loving your partner the way you know you should. Or one day it will all be gone.

And I pray, and believe, that God will somehow, one day, allow me to love again.

Prayers for all of you.

J R

This brought me to tears...like reading from my own sitch.

Me too. It is so true.