The Truth Hurts

[CountingCrows]

We're actually doing pretty well. For me, yesterday was the worse. I didn't have to work and I had left the invitation open for W to come over if she decided not to go out of town with her roommate to RM's family across the state. The morning started off with Winter Storm and Blizzard Warnings. As the temperature quickly dropped, rain turned to ice/sleet and ended up shutting down the highways that led to their destination. Although I had asked W to let me know her plans, she didn't, and I wasn't about to call and ask.

It's very hard to go for 15 years caring, worrying and feeling responsible for the well-being of someone you love...then suddenly realize that it's not your responsibility anymore. I worried about her as they closed the highways and wondered about what she had decided about the trip. I fretted over her safety and hoped she wasn't stranded like so many motorists on the television. I didn't know if she was still in town and was going to show up for S7 later in the day or what her plans were.

I really didn't think that she would want to face me after her confessions on Thursday, but I hoped that she would show up for our son's sake. S7 and I stayed at home and watched the sleet turn to snow and blanket our neighborhood. We played together, read books and snuggled on the couch watching TV together. In between, I was stepping out into the garage occasionally, so he wouldn't see me completely losing composure. The last thing I wanted on Christmas Eve was for him to see me so sad and upset. This is Christmas and I wasn't going to bring him down with me. He kept his eye on the Norad Santa Tracker until his bath/bedtime. We read THE Christmas Story from one of his books, then the bible. As I watched him drift off to sleep while I rubbed his back, I knew how much God must love each of us, as I know just how much I love S7. Despite my sadness, grief, anger and pain...I am so thankful for the gift that HE gave me, and SO proud to be a full-time daddy.

I remained agitated and anxious all the way until about 11pm, when I realized that W wasn't going to show up, whether she had stayed in town or not. Talked to xW1 on the phone for a while, and regretted not taking her up on a earlier offer to be with her and my niece's family overnight, yet I knew I needed this to be about only S7 and I this year. I felt so lonely and missed W's presence more than ever. Did what I could to distract myself and get my mind off of things. I worked on wrapping some final gifts and setting out Santa stuff until about 2am.

This morning, S7 woke me up before 6:30am, ready to go into the living room and see his presents. I groggily drug myself out of bed. I was SO tired, but not nearly as upset as last night. Our financial situation resulted in a lean Christmas this year, but he appreciated all the gifts he did receive, particularly the DSi that I managed to save up for over the past few months. My parents had also supplemented my purchases with a few things he had asked for as well. We've been playing card games, building DNA models (he's very scientific for a 7yo), doing watercolor paintings and playing with the DSi.

I've received Christmas wishes via text from a multitude of friends and family, but haven't heard a word from W yet. I'm so disappointed that she hasn't even called to wish S7 a Merry Christmas, or to let me know what her plans are for this evening (she was supposed to be back in town by 4-5pm and have him spend the night tonight). Guess that's what I get by having any expectations for W at all, and I've got to break myself from that habit. I know that I can't have any expectations at this point. All I asked was for her to give me some advance notice of her plans, so I could arrange to have S7 available, but that's obviously not going to happen. We're going to go over my parents house in a little bit, although the roads are pretty treacherous still (mostly just in the neighborhoods). If W doesn't give me any advance notice, then she will simply miss out on spending any time with him on Christmas, and that's her choice. Sadly (or thankfully...can't decide which), S7 doesn't really seem to be that affected by her lack of presence. He hasn't asked to call her or even mentioned her.

Thank you all for the comments (and hugs). I know that I will be a stronger person in the near future due to this situation. I'm also slowly accepting the fact that my W will not be in S7's or my life in the manner that I hoped she would.

Merry Christmas, everybody. As tough of a time as I'm going through this holiday, without your support, I would be miles away from where I am right now, and I can't say Thank You enough.