Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Gucci, that's a strong 2x4 and perhaps today I deserve it.

I have snooped extensively. In fact, I am trying to stop because it doesn't make me feel better and I've gotten all of the answers I think I need.

I am over there after school for an hour when the girls get off the bus. I have searched long and hard for anything. I'll summarize what I've found.

First time I even considered an OM was after a friend of mine spotted her at the county fair in August -- I moved out in May -- with another man. They were leaving and got on his motorcycle to go.

That floored me.

In September, when we had our one positive relationship talk she said that he was just a friend. Yes, I understand that is what they all say.

About three months ago I found on her search history the name of the only other serious boyfriend she had before me. If it's the right guy, he lives two hours away and is a doctor. I cleared the search history on both of her browsers and she hasn't searched again -- but she may have already found her answers.

The house is now littered with romance novels and she keeps sex toys under the bed. As far as I know, she didn't have them before I left. I may be wrong but at least she didn't keep them too close when I was there.

I got on her FaceBook page several times. There are very, very, very few posts from anyone. She mostly uses it to play the games -- Yoville, Farmville, etc. She did get a couple of FB emails from a former classmate in a little town 30 minutes away. From the way it was worded, it was a jokey thing you'd send someone that you wanted to get to know better. The next message was a couple of weeks later and he was complaining W hadn't returned his text from a week earlier.

I also looked through all of her friends and found a guy in a town about 30 minutes from her who is single and pictured next to his motorcycle. That's the guy. She would have met him through her best friend, who also lives in that town. Now, her best friend is also a very good friend of mine. In fact, she set us up in the first place. I'd be surprised if she set up W with one of her drinking buddies -- but you never know.

Biker dude looks to be about 10 years older than W and a little pudgy. Not really her type, but then again who knows anymore. I went through his pictures and he's got a lot posted. He's a townie and most of the pictures are either of him with his bike or sitting at a bar with drunk women and buddies. There are no pictures of W. She always has attached herself to life of the party types though because she's very reserved -- a wallflower.

Checked her search history. Back at the end of summer, she searched an interesting thing -- a motorcycle retreat in Sturgis. Again, connection to biker dude.

Lately, the only interesting things I saw were her checking for second jobs or stay at home jobs, online education sites and -- this was tough -- a Christian Singles site -- I'd assume you actually have to be single to use their services -- Match.com and SpeedDate.com.

Fast forward to today. She wanted me to check something on the computer for her, I did and checked the history quickly and again there was SpeedDate.com, but no other history. She cleared it for the first time -- or perhaps something happened to the computer and it got cleared. W is not very computer savvy. The history on the other Web browser is untouched. There was nothing new there.

Anyway, she was busy this morning trying to set up D10's computer and not paying attention. So I stepped into the kitchen and picked up her Blackberry.

I looked through her phone numbers and the number of biker dude is in there. All of the rest of them are female numbers except for mine. I looked through her phone calls. He did call her on Dec. 22. She called him back last night -- that's a concern.

There was only one text between the two, from him, I couldn't find her outbox. It said, Sounds Good, Merry Christmas.

If there's anyone it's this guy, but there's no long string of hot and heavy texts, no steady stream of calls.

That's all I've got.

Also, I'm not in a situation where she suddenly wanted out. This was a three year process where I thought I was doing the right things and instead was pushing her away.

I've really tried to pull back as much as possible since Oct. 6 when she told me she would have filed for divorce if she had the $1,200.

I added up the presents she bought today in my head. She spent at least $600 -- a notebook computer, an American Girl Doll. She's been broke for the past month and now I see why.

I've always been torn on what I've found. In a way, discovering an OM would be a relief in a way. It would explain why I'm still living in limboland and it would be the final straw for me to seek the D.

It also would be extremely painful.

The only other things I'm considering are point blank calling her best friend and asking her to level with me about this biker guy. That would probably backfire. She'd likely lie to me -- her allegiance to W is stronger -- and then tell her.

Everyone keeps asking about an OM and I go through a lot of threads where people deny, deny, deny only to get found out. Usually phone records or computer stuff trip you up and there's no smoking gun that anything is happening other than an occasional phone call.

Now I'm going to post what went on this morning and get some more advice.