6000 miles away but finaly i see DBing sucess

[JWS123]

I have not updated here in a while but there has been little to update until now. when have continued to talk as friends quite often. a few days ago i came home to visit my family for the holidays. she was also home from school, so i stopped by to see her. it was the first time that we had seen each other in a year and since we had signed papers. the minute i saw her i was instantly flooded with love for her. i was not sure myself what i wanted, but i know now its still her. that was hard on both of us, we did some catching up and had a good time but it did not take long for some teary conversation.

we started with how wired it was to go that long without seeing each other and how much we missed each other. she misses the path she left behind and the idea of having kids and a family but not a R with me. she loves me but not in love with me, wants to be friends and would want to be friends with any woman in my future too. she does not want a R with anyone, because right now is all about her. mostly she knows that she cant be a military wife so she cant be with me. now i am trapped apart from her with little chance to show her i am worth changing her mind. and that things wont be this way for ever.

then she came to a dinner my family was having and fit right back in with all the members of my family as if she never left. yesterday we went skiing just the two of us. that was an amazing time and we both enjoyed it. she keep saying how much she enjoyed my company. the only serious talk we had were things about her school and future but nothing about us and she was very comfortable all day. after skiing we went for a walk and took pictures by the lake. the entire time i am thinking to my self how can she just do all theses great things with me and not feel anything more then friendship. i know i am a hopeless romantic but the entire thing was so special and i have to just be friends.

today i am going to christmas dinner at her moms house. i am very excited to see that half of my family that i have been missing. i was very hesitant to say yes and told her that i did not want to infringe on her time with her family. but she insisted everyone would love to see me and that it was more then alright with her. that will be a little strange because her folks just got divorced after her father cheated, him and i have never really been close and he will be there, so i plan on just avoiding that issue altogether.

on sunday me, my parents, her and her mom are going out to dinner, witch is something we all enjoy. then she goes back to school. i have another week in the states then its back over seas, likely to be another year before i can return. we did talk about her visiting at sometime when it fits into her school schedule, and she was very excited at that thought.

i feel so trapped by the fact that realistically nothing can happen while i am out of the country. i don't think time is on my side, although i want her in my life even if its just as a friend i am so depressed by the fact of being just her friend.

she is still stressed with school to the point that nothing else in her life matters and i am her security blanket, with i am ok with because it is important to me that she achieve something that she feels will complete her no matter what the cost.

i cant believe that it has been two years since she left a year we have been divorced without seeing each other and here i am at 3 in the morning mind a mess trying to calculate ever move. when i am at home and in my new element i do just find but seeing her has thrown me through a loop and i am praying so hard for the impossible to happen. i am not expecting anything soon, but i would love to come home to her in two years.

we have come soooo far from where we were, and i am trying so hard to not over look all the baby steps that she has done and how much better off she is right now, but i feel i am staring at a brick wall that is 6000 miles thick with no chance of getting through.

thanks for reading merry christmas