Oh yeah, forgot to mention - tomorrow I'm going to make myself up as beautifully as I can, maybe even a couple different outfits. I'll take some great new pictures, pictures of me looking happy. Then I'm going to post them to Facebook and caption them "Merry Christmas for me."
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Good plan, lots of pictures of you having a great time, wear perfume, even though no one can smell it because its a picture it will help with your whole looking good and feeling good package, and that will show in the pics, Lots of pictures of the kids loving every second of the festivities... Even better- you actually enjoy it, not just look like it!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I don't know if you caught my philosophy in a response on someone else's thread, so I'll reiterate it here. Maybe it will help someone if they stumble onto it.
I was several things in high school - a speech geek, an academic over-achiever, a band geek, a quiz bowler and a choir/swing choir performer. Ok, so technically that boils down to just one thing - I was a geek! But the point is, I was very competitive. And that does some amazing things to the central nervous system!
When we saw other bands march, we couldn't help but notice how perfect they were. Other speech duet partners had amazing scripts and delivery. Other dancers had beautiful uniforms and amazing moves. You get the picture...it was intimidating, nerve-wracking. There were times you felt you'd lost before you ever got your turn! So we chose to cheat. No I did not cheat in a competition! We cheated our own minds.
We decided to "fake it 'til you make it."
It's the process of acting as though you believe you can't lose. You fake it, even for yourself. You smile when you'd rather throw-up (and I've seen people do that! ), you pretend that you're better than the best the judges have ever seen. And amazingly, you often are. What's even more amazing is that sometimes you can convince yourself of it before the trophies are ever awarded.
Right now my life is insane. Most of ours here are. We are scared, confused, hurt, and we'd rather go to bed and cry than face the day. Especially a holiday! But I'm going to put on a smile, even if I don't feel like it. I'm going to wear makeup and style my hair. I'm going to play with my kids and pretend to have fun. And the best part is, somewhere in all that I won't be pretending anymore. I will have faked it until I made it real. It works, not always, but often enough to give it a shot.
On a side note, did you know: The act of smiling actually makes you happier. The specific act of moving your facial muscles in that combination, along with the physical memory your body has stored of previous smiles actually releases endorphins. Smiling makes you feel better, which makes you want to smile. It's a catch 22. So smile...and maybe then you'll feel like smiling.
And take pictures of feeling good! We carry around plenty of sadness in our heads and our hearts. Carry something physical with you that makes you smile. Pictures of yourself having fun, or just something ridiculous you can't help but laugh at! If you need some help, go to icanhascheezburger.com for some pick-me-ups. I promise you'll find a laugh there.
I'll be around different times today, hoping to buoy up anyone who isn't at a point where they can smile yet. Have a Christmas worthy of the amazing person you are!
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
H told me when he dropped the bomb that OW knows he is married with three kids. But during my searches in his e-mail back when this all started, he told her he was single. His Facebook has no relationship status. I am on his friends list and you'd think the last name would tip her off...duh. But I have no pics of us, so I guess he could lie if she thought to ask. He doesn't have me on Myspace - lied to me months ago and said he doesn't have one. He has two and she's on both, and on both he's listed as single.
So I'm wondering if she really knows? Because I don't think I'd probably be doing a background check on a guy I dated to see if he's single when he says he is. I just want to know if she's more innocent than he says. She's still in an A with my H, and that's gotta end, but what if she doesn't even know? So I've been wondering if I should say something to her?
This was the e-mail I was thinking of sending her:
You may have noticed me as one of the Facebook friends Josh Brown has. I see that you consider him very special and that the two of you are romantically involved. He came to see you in Virginia, after all.
Are you aware that he is married and has been for going on six years? His, or should I say our, anniversary is June 26th. We have three sons, ages 4, 2, and 1. Josh Brown is my husband.
He says you know all this. But I thought that you at least deserve the benefit of a doubt. If you did not know, then I bear you no ill will. If you did know, well I’m sure he’s told you about my many failings and I’m in no position to judge your choices. But he is my husband. And your relationship with him while he is still married is not only inappropriate, it could cost him his job and land him in jail. Please discontinue all contact with my husband.
I thought it was direct, but not rude or accusatory. It proves I know where he's been (though he still doesn't know I have physical proof) It makes this personal - telling my kids ages and my anniversary - without sounding desperate or needy. I sure as hell don't need her thinking I'm sad or jealous of her. I want it to be factual and set a clear demand.
Or should I not send it at all do you think?
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Merry Christmas Undefeated!!! I hope that it was great! I am in favor of exposing affairs. People go back and forth here about that though, lots of different opinions. Is this woman a soldier too? Do you have any pictures of him with you that you could tag? It would show up on her wall as a notification that he was tagged in a photo, of course he could easily remove the tag, but she might see it. Or tag him in pics with the kids, he might be less likely to remove that tag.
I have mixed feelings about contacting the OW. I did it, to no avail. I think that very often it doesnt do any good, but if this woman really doesnt know that he is married, I think that she does deserve to know... And really, cheaters lie, so I dont have a tough time beleiving that hes being honest with you about telling her the truth about his status as an H, or a father.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Thanks, blue! Merry Christmas to you as well! It went better than expected. SIL and I had a good talk. I responded a little more snappily than I needed to to some probing questions and we finally got down to brass tacks in our relationship. I explained that I am undergoing some personality updates right now and that speaking up is one of them. But it's definitely a learned skill and I'm not always striking the right balance yet. So I apologized for being rude and we had a good rest of the day. Still don't really like her that much, but at least we're on better terms than we were, more honest communication.
I feel like not giving the OW the evidence unless and until she asks for it. IMO it begs her to look. I'm not begging. If she doesn't know and I tell her all that, then I bet money she'll go looking. If she asks I can give her my Myspace name - there are pics of him with me and him with the kids there. Even some family pics I think. And if she really does already know, then I won't parade my life for her to disrespect, even in her own mind.
I'm worried that if he finds out I'm ratting him out to OW or messing with his fantasy my H won't let me and the kids move. He says he wants them there, so I can come too (how nice, right). I hate it. I feel like I HAVE to get out of this place, I don't want to keep the boys away from him, and I want to go to AZ and continue GAL (the place seems so perfect for me!).
But I hate that he thinks he can just tell me where I go and when b/c I am financially dependent on him! If he decides to use the move as a bargaining chip I'm not sure what to do exactly. I feel like his assistant or his housekeeper - that is how he is treating me. I want this move so badly...I just wonder how much self-respect I am giving up to get the heck out of here!
I could ask my parents' for help, but that would mean full disclosure to them. I don't want that. When my H is ready to put our M back together, I don't want my family holding a grudge to make it any harder. And also, my parents' solution would be for me to stay here, which will beyond a shadow of a doubt make me lose what's left of my mind. I can hardly endure it now, and I can't bear the thought of staying any longer than I have to.
So do I swallow my pride and not contact her until after the move? Does that make me a coward?
And one other worry - what if he's not really planning on moving us at all? I hate to think this is all a game so he can get his ducks in a row to divorce me or move her down there. Housing really can take time to get. And there's only one weird thing on our bank account records - a purchase at a UPS store there in AZ. Other than that he's not spending money in any weird ways that would raise red flags. Just double-checked his military pay stuff online. No money coming out that shouldn't be.
I hate to be paranoid, but I also don't want to be blindsided. If he's planning a clean break so he can go play house I want to know it.
No, she's a civilian. So I can't go after her through the military. It's a shame, really...he taught me how it's done, destroying someone's career with their infidelity. It would've been so poetic to be able to show him how well I learned my lessons on that subject.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Oh, and I forgot to mention - no contact from H today. Took it better than I thought I would...
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
i like this letter a lot better than the one to MIL. I like Bluerain's idea about tagging him in pictures, even a wedding picture would be good. That way she finds it out without you hitting the send button. But if you prefer this method, then I think it is fair to notify her that her boyfriend is a married man. I would remove the sentence demanding that she stop seeing him. Your intent with this letter is to inform her of the facts. Making demands goes beyond that.
Lotus, I agree that if she really doesnt know that he is married, she deserves to know! Can you imagine? Being head over heels for someone who you just think is awesome and then finding out that its all been lies?!
But, undefeated, I really will tell you to be prepared for her to
A: not beleive you,
or
B: have bought lines about how you are either seperated, or that you are an evil beotch that has made his life a living hell for the last ___ years,
or of course,
C: not care.
Also, she is not the one who made a vow to you, he is. If you are going to make a demand, it should be made of him. And really, thats not a good idea either, you just cant control either one of them- its all about you and what you do now.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Thanks to you both. I am struggling right now with this choice. I feel it would do me some mental good to send the e-mail (minus the demand because you are both correct). And as I say, I want to know that she knows. I'll deal with the response whatever it may be, but I have to be 100% sure I am not fighting someone who doesn't know she's in the wrong. But I'm also concerned about how my H will retaliate (see previous freaked out post).
I've been doing some research. Once upon a time I myself wanted to be a soldier. And these past five years as a civilian attached, even with the deployments has not changed my mind. I love the life. I am toying with the idea of talking to a recruiter. I have so many strikes that I am probably NEVER going to qualify.
1. felony conviction 2. bi-polar (though I've heard if you can go without meds you can get a waiver...I've heard both ways really) 3. I have three little kids 4. I have a weight problem
I sent an e-mail to an army recruiting Q&A site to see what they say. I guess the worst I can be told is no. There are waivers for just about anything really. IDK, it just feels like if I'm looking into options I'm doing something at least.
The military route worries me most in the area of the kids. I have always taken care of them. To put them in someone else's sole care, even for the duration of basic training and AIT...well as much as I'd love to get away from them once in awhile I don't know if I could do it. Of course, this is w-a-y jumping the gun...I'd have to see if they even want me. But I just...wanted to look at options. And I guess it's better to know whether this is one or not, right?
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
I was a geek! But the point is, I was very competitive. And that does some amazing things to the central nervous system!
), you pretend that you're better than the best the judges have ever seen. And amazingly, you often are. What's even more amazing is that sometimes you can convince yourself of it before the trophies are ever awarded. 
So I apologized for being rude and we had a good rest of the day. Still don't really like her that much, but at least we're on better terms than we were, more honest communication.