Givingitmyall: we were in MC but it turned out to be the kind that DR warns us about where all the past wounds are dug up instead of working on the future and making change. We both regret it and stopped before Thanksgiving. She just started seeing a Christian counselor specializing with women (abuse, copendency, etc). I left a voicemail with the counselor and stated I was 100% supportive in preserving the M and would do MC. She did not call back and I suspect she wants to work with W's deeper emotional issues right now and get to MC later. My W told me she thinks I control everything which I know I don't. I had to take control of finances since she was spending us into oblivion but other than that I'm almost too easy going. For her, someone is always in control. If it is not her, then it must be me. In her mind there is no mutual sharing of power or equal partnership. I think it is something common to victims of child abuse.
The OM's W does know. She discovered the EA and confronted them both in person in October. My W said it was the worst 20 minutes of her life. But OM and W later resumed contact and that's when I found out and confronted OM face to face. His W called me several days later and he confessed to her that I caught and confronted them. I know he was scared I would call his W so he was premptive. My W has been relatively transparent with her Blackberry but seems like she is on FaceBook alot but I don't want to pry since it could come across as insecurity and controlling.
tryingtilDorR: I agree that my real struggle is fear of losing my W and I am trying to detach but it's not easy. It's ironic that for most of our M, I wish I had never met her because of all the pain she caused me with sexual refusal but having 2 kids changes everything. She is kind of a "sick patient" because she is grieving the loss of the EA and their plans for the future to be together. Even tonight she has been pretty warm with conversation but no touching me.
Norm914: I think you really nailed her state of mind with "She’s saying, “I need to prove my desirability.” But she doesn’t trust anything you do (in terms of change) because she thinks it’s probably manipulative." She lost weight and is trim and looks 10 years younger than she is. She's dressing really well now and needs to feel desirable. She had that with OM but did not feel it with me. I think she still needs to feel desirable even if OM is out of picture. How do I get her to feel desirable coming from me and without having to get it from other men?
You're right. I'm predictable as hell. I've been detaching and I think she has noticed but doesn't trust it. I'm really open to suggestions about becoming mysterious. How do you do that? As for looking for relationships online I don't know she is doing it. Alot of it is with female friends and family. Hard for me to know if she is contacting other guys without proof and then I would be accused of being controlling and distance her further. I'm giving it thought to say what you said if she is surfing the net and quickly closes a screen or shields my view.
