Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Long, fun, emotional, strange night. Picked up girls after work and took them to my sister's husband's family's Christmas Eve celebration.

It's a big family with lots of kids. It was a little slow at first, but the kids got familiar with each other and by the end of the night, about 10:45 p.m., I had to drag D7 out of there.

My sister and I got to talk a lot more. It was me mostly bouncing from hope to despair -- the stuff you see on the boards. File, wait it out.

It was raining and pretty windy so I took it easy on the way home. This kind of put W in a bind. She couldn't put out the rest of the presents and stocking stuff until the girls were home and in bed because D7 still believes in Santa.

We got back about 12:30 a.m. and I carried both D7, who weighs 60 pounds, and D10, who weighs about 105, into the house.

W was laughing as I brought D10 in. She's way too tall now for W to pick up.

W asked me to help get them in bed. It felt great to do that.

As I was saying goodnight to D10, she begged me to ask W to come along with us on Saturday. So I did and she said no, she had a morning meeting to go to and it lasts until noon.

I did not rush out of the house. I didn't exactly linger. I just got my stuff on a little slowly. She asked about the party -- D7 showed her pictures from my camera. I asked about her night.

She was talking about still having to put the stuff in the stockings so I asked if she needed help. She said yes and I ended up carrying the rest of the presents up from downstairs. She spent a lot. I can see why she has been broke.

We put the presents out and she stuffed the stockings. On the way out, she asked if I wanted to come over and see them open the presents.

I really, really, really do not. It's going to be hard emotionally. But I said yes. I told her I'd bring my presents, but really they aren't wrapped and I'd rather have the girls open them here so I'll make up a story that I had planned on wrapping them Friday while they were at their grandmother's and I was too tired to do it this morning.

It was extremely comfortable and nice to be there. I know asking W if she wanted to come with on Saturday -- on top of asking her to church Thursday -- is pursuing.

I do not know if tonight got me any closer to my goal of having W fall back in love with me. I do feel like it keeps her from moving forward with divorcing me.

Does that make sense -- she still doesn't "feel" love for me, but doesn't want to go the extra step of breaking up the family?

Lord, I still love W. That much I know. And I pray next year, at this time, when all the hubub is done with the presents, that we go downstairs and go to sleep in the same bed.