I'm glad you have finally come to the end of this little journey. Time for a new one.
You never know what the future may hold but something that I am realising slowly is that this pain and hurt will be good for me in the end. It teaches us about ourselves. It teaches us who we are and it gives us an understanding of ourselves and others that a lot of people don't ever get to learn. We will be better people in the end and we will be better partners and spouses in the new relationship we enter into.
Be proud of yourself. You handled yourself with strength and integrity. You didn't fall apart.
Take care over Xmas.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
We're actually doing pretty well. For me, yesterday was the worse. I didn't have to work and I had left the invitation open for W to come over if she decided not to go out of town with her roommate to RM's family across the state. The morning started off with Winter Storm and Blizzard Warnings. As the temperature quickly dropped, rain turned to ice/sleet and ended up shutting down the highways that led to their destination. Although I had asked W to let me know her plans, she didn't, and I wasn't about to call and ask.
It's very hard to go for 15 years caring, worrying and feeling responsible for the well-being of someone you love...then suddenly realize that it's not your responsibility anymore. I worried about her as they closed the highways and wondered about what she had decided about the trip. I fretted over her safety and hoped she wasn't stranded like so many motorists on the television. I didn't know if she was still in town and was going to show up for S7 later in the day or what her plans were.
I really didn't think that she would want to face me after her confessions on Thursday, but I hoped that she would show up for our son's sake. S7 and I stayed at home and watched the sleet turn to snow and blanket our neighborhood. We played together, read books and snuggled on the couch watching TV together. In between, I was stepping out into the garage occasionally, so he wouldn't see me completely losing composure. The last thing I wanted on Christmas Eve was for him to see me so sad and upset. This is Christmas and I wasn't going to bring him down with me. He kept his eye on the Norad Santa Tracker until his bath/bedtime. We read THE Christmas Story from one of his books, then the bible. As I watched him drift off to sleep while I rubbed his back, I knew how much God must love each of us, as I know just how much I love S7. Despite my sadness, grief, anger and pain...I am so thankful for the gift that HE gave me, and SO proud to be a full-time daddy.
I remained agitated and anxious all the way until about 11pm, when I realized that W wasn't going to show up, whether she had stayed in town or not. Talked to xW1 on the phone for a while, and regretted not taking her up on a earlier offer to be with her and my niece's family overnight, yet I knew I needed this to be about only S7 and I this year. I felt so lonely and missed W's presence more than ever. Did what I could to distract myself and get my mind off of things. I worked on wrapping some final gifts and setting out Santa stuff until about 2am.
This morning, S7 woke me up before 6:30am, ready to go into the living room and see his presents. I groggily drug myself out of bed. I was SO tired, but not nearly as upset as last night. Our financial situation resulted in a lean Christmas this year, but he appreciated all the gifts he did receive, particularly the DSi that I managed to save up for over the past few months. My parents had also supplemented my purchases with a few things he had asked for as well. We've been playing card games, building DNA models (he's very scientific for a 7yo), doing watercolor paintings and playing with the DSi.
I've received Christmas wishes via text from a multitude of friends and family, but haven't heard a word from W yet. I'm so disappointed that she hasn't even called to wish S7 a Merry Christmas, or to let me know what her plans are for this evening (she was supposed to be back in town by 4-5pm and have him spend the night tonight). Guess that's what I get by having any expectations for W at all, and I've got to break myself from that habit. I know that I can't have any expectations at this point. All I asked was for her to give me some advance notice of her plans, so I could arrange to have S7 available, but that's obviously not going to happen. We're going to go over my parents house in a little bit, although the roads are pretty treacherous still (mostly just in the neighborhoods). If W doesn't give me any advance notice, then she will simply miss out on spending any time with him on Christmas, and that's her choice. Sadly (or thankfully...can't decide which), S7 doesn't really seem to be that affected by her lack of presence. He hasn't asked to call her or even mentioned her.
Thank you all for the comments (and hugs). I know that I will be a stronger person in the near future due to this situation. I'm also slowly accepting the fact that my W will not be in S7's or my life in the manner that I hoped she would.
Merry Christmas, everybody. As tough of a time as I'm going through this holiday, without your support, I would be miles away from where I am right now, and I can't say Thank You enough.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
Those are two eloquent, moving posts. I can only imagine what the one was that you lost.
I'm really sorry for the pain you are going thru right now. I know how much the kick in the gut burns, and there's simply no way to make it go away other than to let it heal in time. It sucks.
Draw strength from your faith, and from your integrity, and from knowing you're a great dad to that precious little boy. For us fathers, it's unfathomable to imagine how God could love us so much that He would allow His Son to die for us. What a gift.
Finally heard from W around 2pm on Christmas day. She simply texted me "Merry Christmas". I responded with "Same to you." She called a few minutes later and I answered. She said that she had not gone out of town, and threw out a huge pile of BS about working Wednesday until 4:30, but got stuck in the snow and didn't get home until 11pm. At 4:30, we were still getting nothing but sleet...the snow didn't start until later after dark.
I asked her if she still wanted to see S7. She said that she couldn't go anywhere because her windshield wipers weren't working. I told her that I could bring him over to her apartment so she could be with him for the last 1/2 of Christmas and he could spend the night as planned. She said that she needed to check with her roommate, who had left a note saying that she wouldn't be home last night. We said goodbye and hung up.
About 10 minutes later, I started getting mad. I called her back and told her that she didn't need to check with anyone about anything. Asked her again if she wanted to see our son on Christmas or not. She said that since her roommate's daughter wasn't going to be there that night, that S7 would just be bored and the apartment was a mess...etc...etc. I told W that S7 could spend the night on Saturday (today) instead. She said she'd like that. At no point did she ever ask to speak with S7 to wish him a Merry Christmas.
Christmas day went on, I played cards with S7 and his friend from across the street. Got him bundled up to play in the snow for a bit. Ate a nice dinner of leftovers from our visit to my niece's house. Worked on some of the project kits he got for Christmas and overall had a really good day with him. Got him bathed and into bed. No contact whatsoever from W. She hadn't seen or talked to him since a week ago Friday morning, and she didn't care enough to even call on Christmas and wish him a good day.
This holiday has driven home so hard the fact that I've been unable/unwilling to admit to all this time. W is simply not capable of the love and commitment it requires to be a wife/parent/mother. She really doesn't care about me or S7. She only wants to have S7 come over when he's got roommate's daughter there to keep him occupied, so she isn't responsible for spending any time alone with him.
How hard would have it been for her to spend a few hours with him on Christmas day, watching movies or playing a few games?! How can a mother not want to spend quality time with their child? If the roles had been reversed, no matter what the weather conditions, I would put on my gear and hiked miles to see S7 on Christmas day, and I would have been GLAD that there was no one else there, so I could spend the time with HIM.
I'm angry now. I'm angry for the multiple betrayals. I'm angry for all the deceit. I'm angry for the way W's been an absent parent both before and after she moved out. I'm angry at myself for having so little self-esteem and self-respect to have put up with this for all these years in the name of "love and commitment". I know that I need to forgive myself first and foremost, and I'm trying not to beat myself up for it.
I need some of this anger to get me through this...to detach completely and accept things for the way they are, not how they were or could be.
Took S7 over to W's apartment at 2pm. Stood in the door until she came out of her room. She looked BAD. Big sore on her face, one of my oversized sweatshirts on, flannel pajama pants, hair a mess. Showed her the bags I had packed and explained what was in them, hugged my son and left. I didn't give her the camera that I was going to let her use for S7's gift (his new DSi has a camera already) and I didn't give her the last "allowance" check that I had said she could have. She's not my responsibility anymore. That's my mantra now.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
After dropping off S7 at W's apartment yesterday, I spent Saturday afternoon/night by myself. The roads were still very snowy/icy and the temps were forecast to be in the teens. Surprisingly, I held together very well, almost relaxed. I'm starting to become a lot more comfortable alone. Thought some about all the nights that I spent alone after S7 went to bed, waiting until 2-3am for W to come home from wherever she had been. How anxious, jealous and angry I used to be. At least now, I know that I'm not waiting for anyone.
Worked a while on the calender/timeline of past visitations by W since she left. Trying to get everything prepared for D atty on Monday afternoon. Talked to a few friends for a bit. Actually climbed in my warm bed at 9pm and watched a movie (Extract...ehhh, definitely not Office Space). Until last night, I hadn't turned on the bedroom TV since W left. Watching shows and movies in bed was something we did together. Turned out the lights and went to sleep around 11:30. It's been a very long, stressful Christmas.
Got up this morning, after sleeping in until 10 (first time since W left) and completed my calender/timeline. The journaling here helped more than the log I had been keeping. I just need to get the remainder of the financial/asset information pulled together for my appt. tomorrow.
I picked up S7 at 3pm sharp, like we agreed. Didn't say much to W other than to ask about a few items that appeared to be missing from his bag (she found them). I was upbeat, and greeted my son happily, but treated W like a mere acquaintance. She mentioned that they hadn't gone anywhere because her truck was still stuck in the snowdrift in front of the apartment. I didn't respond. Wished everyone a good day and left.
W leaned over the railing of her apartment stairs as I was leaving asking me about this week, while S7 is still out of school. I told her that I had already made all the arrangements, and that S7 will be taken care of. She asked if she could come get him one morning, and drop him off somewhere before she went to work. I asked her to call me and we'd talk about it, that we could probably work something out.
As I was walking to the car with S7 and an armful of stuff, my phone started ringing. I ignored it, as I couldn't set the stuff down on the ground to even see who was calling. As I put the items in the trunk, it rang again and I answered. It was W telling me that she really needed to get that check (her "allowance") from me. I calmly told her "That's not going to happen." She said "What?", and I repeated myself. She said that I had signed a paper saying that I'd pay it until January 1st. I said "You signed a paper saying that you'd be committed to our marriage. I'll talk to you later." and hung up.
Probably the wrong thing to say, but I was biting my tongue to not just unleash on her, and I never raised my voice or sounded angry, just stated it matter-of-factly.
Took S7 to the grocery store to pick up some food/toiletries and to the bank to deposit my paycheck, came home and made dinner. Getting ready to help S7 finish up a Solar System model that we worked on Saturday morning.
I've gone two days without breaking down/crying now, although I can still feel it quivering deep inside. I'm very anxious about filing for D tomorrow, and even more nervous about her possible reactions to me asking for full-custody of S7 when she gets served later this week. She does not have the money to hire an atty to fight me on this, but I'm still scared to death.
I keep reminding myself that she's not my responsibility anymore. I also have to keep reminding myself that even if she were to do a 180 and come begging for me back, saying how bad of a mistake she had made and that she loved me and wanted to be a family again...I wouldn't ever be able to trust her again. And most likely it would happen all over again and I would be back at square 1 once again. I can't let myself be that vulnerable again. I've got to go through with this D and move on with my life without her as my W.
Guess this will end my thread here on Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs. Starting up a new one on Surviving D soon.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
As I put the items in the trunk, it rang again and I answered. It was W telling me that she really needed to get that check (her "allowance") from me. I calmly told her "That's not going to happen." She said "What?", and I repeated myself. She said that I had signed a paper saying that I'd pay it until January 1st. I said "You signed a paper saying that you'd be committed to our marriage. I'll talk to you later." and hung up.
Glad you think so. I guess I've been DBing long enough that I fretted over it on the way home. It just slipped out before I really thought about it. But considering the sitch, I guess it was appropriate. Inappropriate would have been to start yelling and screaming at her and trying to "teach" her about all the terrible things she's done to me and S7.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
