Try saying things in terms of how YOU FEEL as opposed to addressing her problems. People tend to feel attacked when someone talks to them as if they are flawed. They hear accusations. Research communication techniques. It shouldn't be about making anyone feel flawed, but honest expression of feelings.

You don't always get your point across, but you're more likely to to do so when a person's guard isn't up. In the long run, maybe she'll stop hearing that SHE is the problem and start hearing your viewpoint.

~Mark

Me: 38
W: 34
Together: 9yrs
1st M: may '03
1st D: april '08
1st bomb: june '08
remarried: oct '08
2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)