I’ve been reading as many posts as possible the last few weeks and absorbing as much as my mind can process and retain and want to get advice and support from the veterans here who have been through this. I’m sure you’ve all heard this same situation a thousand times but here goes. Bear with me please since I need to vent as well (I don’t have close male friends near where I live).
I’m 56, W 47, D 17, S 10, M 21 years. M has been difficult all along. She was sexually abused several years beginning age 9 by an uncle and mom knew but did nothing because mom married uncle after father and mom divorced. She had abuse flashbacks early in our marriage but got counseling and seemed to move on. The abuse does not control her (except at Halloween which is anniversary of first incident) but ramifications of abuse have always been under the surface because of trust issues. She confessed since EA that she has never trusted me or God (yet she trusted the OM which obviously gets to me). She refused me sexually for the first 18-19 years of M. We averaged once every 3-4 months. I stayed because of my Christian faith. I told her about once a year the past 5-7 years that we needed to work on this or I wanted out. 2 yrs ago she vowed to never refuse me after I said I was sorry I didn’t divorce her before we had kids. Sex was once every week or two last two years. She was giving but rarely initiated and I assumed her drive was just lower than mine. I wasn’t happy but it was livable until it just stopped in July when she got po’d at me on vacation and cut me off (little did I know she was having an EA and blaming me for every little thing to justify it).
I’m sure there are multiple issues that drove her to someone else. She never trusted me to allow me to get close. Sex was always conditional. She needed to feel “connected” but I never could connect, plus she can’t connect if she won’t trust and she has always expected me to be a mind reader and “know her heart” (but she never sat me down and expressed her needs). I was expected to love unconditionally but she put conditions on almost everything and rarely respected me or how I managed finances and disciplined kids. Her unwillingness to be generous in the bedroom led to an undercurrent of anger and resentment in me (try going 18 years averaging sex 4 times a year and see how you feel). Not only sex but she was a spendaholic most of our marriage except the last two years. I didn’t express anger outright but she said she could feel it seething underneath. I get that, but I went to her and expressed my needs without having an affair but she didn’t behave likewise.
W confessed EA at “Weekend to Remember” Christian marriage conference early Nov. Asked forgiveness and expressed remorse. Said it was over but she was still grieving loss. OM’s W previously discovered EA and confronted the two of them in person in Oct and they “ended it.” We recommitted our marriage that weekend but it was not sincere. After confession of EA, she varied day to day from sad/remorseful to warm/friendly to cold and callous. Two weeks ago I sensed something was wrong and I confronted her and she confessed OM and she were still texting/emailing each other. I told her that I was going to confront OM in front of his wife immediately. She either thought I was bluffing or this would bring EA out in open and OM could tell his W that it was over and they could be together. I wasn’t bluffing. I told W to call OM to meet us and his W and get this out in the open. If they want to be together then he can announce to his wife and the world. We drove 90mi to confront him and I did. Made him feel like the asswipe he is. He refused to bring his W. I told mine, “He won’t stand up for you but I will and he is lying and cheating on his W and he will on you too. That’s the coward you want to be with.” The entire conversation on the trip I was in control and not emotional. The only time in our M that my W could not control or come out ahead on the conversation. I had balls the size of a bulls that day, which is ironic because I am the typical nice guy, not alpha male. I’ve read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Glover and it fits me to a T. I’m sure this has caused lots of issues in our M too because deep down I know she wants a leader. The problem for me is that I lost who I was during her abuse recovery because I had to put all my needs on hold for a year+ while she healed. I never got myself back.
The sitch I’m in now is that W is friendly but distant. She lost a lot of weight and looks great but feels she hasn’t had her needs met in years. I know she’s feeling the loss of the EA and is probably open to love elsewhere and feels she deserves it. She is doing a lot of FaceBook and Internet time which concerns me. She is going to a Christian counselor but just started. I’ve gone to a great male counselor and can see him when needed. I’m doing all the GAL and DR techniques but am on an emotional roller coaster. Some days I feel strong and others I’m controlled by fear, worry and uncertainty. Biggest problem is only getting about 4 hours of sleep each night. I know she sees lots of changes in me (has said that to my D) but I’m sure she thinks I’ll revert back to the old me if she opens up to me so there is not much sign of commitment to our M. I don’t know if she plans to be a WAW when kids are out of school but may be waiting. We sleep in same bed but no sex or touching. She occasionally gives me a peck on the lips but nothing more.
We have totally opposite love languages. Her languages are giving/receiving gifts, acts of service and words of affirmation. Mine are physical touch and quality time. Wish I knew this stuff 21 years ago. We are complete opposites. I’ve been terrible at giving gifts and she has judged me on that. I want to be more giving but a primary “don’t” during DB is not to give gifts because it comes across as buying affection. I think she wants a netbook, which I would like to buy for her, but feel that if I buy it she will see it as buying her affection and I also feel like it would enable her to do even more Internet surfing with secrecy which I’m sure she is doing. If I don’t buy it I’m not generous with gifts. Lose/lose sitch. What should I do?
I want my W back but not the same M we had before. I believe we can have a great M if we both do the work. I’m committed but don’t know if she is. Other than GAL and DR do’s and don’ts, anything else stick out that I should be doing?
