Well, she's a fool. You deserve better. She only saw no hope because she choose not to and because she was in a fantasy relationship with someone else.
Thanks musclegal.
I just got an e-mail from a very good very old friend of mine. I've known him since 6th grade. He knows me and he knows my W. I've kept him up to date on my situation this whole year. Here's what he just sent me:
I’ll tell ya <my name>, and I mean no disrespect to anyone when I say this. I’m too far removed from the situation to truly understand ANY of it but here goes. You need to go. Or rather, she needs to go. I know it’s terrible to say but it’s a fact. I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone who’s put as much time and effort into saving a marriage than you have over the last year or so that I’ve know you’ve had issues. And that doesn’t include the time and effort you put in PRIOR to me knowing there were issues. You’ve essentially re-invented YOURSELF not to mention re-created your life. You’ve reached out and reached out and reached out, to no avail. Little gains seem to be erased quickly and completely only to creep back in some time later. You’ve been INCREDIBLY strong through all of this (at least from my vantage point) and incredibly open and honest. But at the end of the day, it just doesn’t seem like there is any effort in return, or at least none for any sustained period of time. And if through all of this, there is still confusion about what she wants to do, I’m pretty sure that confusion will never go away. At some point it becomes clear that she’s just using you, and sh*tting all over you in the process. I hate to see it. I hate to SAY it. You’re too good a man to put up with this. Too good a Dad. Too good a friend. Too good. And you deserve better. And you will find better.
Time to go my friend.
The verdicts are coming in, and they appear unanimous. One year is enough.
Future, that letter your friend wrote you could have been written for me.
The difference is I've been putting up with it for less time and I haven't been re-inventing myself, just returning to my true nature and improving on the shortfalls.
I've been trying to get you to show a simulated letting go of her and sending the signals that you are truly done. There is a 50/50 chance the WAS wakes up when that happens. If you can't simulate it __________ (fill in your own blank)
Ironic as this may sound, I've been praying that she wakes up before its too late as in my case. Good luck my friend. Whatever happens, strive to keep the new and improved Future.
EDIT: Forgot to add my disclaimer... so here it is... PUIAP: posting under the influence and pain. Take the good in the message and trash the rest.
Last edited by Gnosis; 12/23/0908:10 PM. Reason: disclaimer
On a much lighter note, Santa got me a new electified acoustic guitar for Christmas! I couldn't wait so I had it out last night after the kids were asleep, and every song I played had so much new life I couldn't put it down! My playing has improved so much since this whole thing started.
When I was at the music store trying out guitars, a woman who was also looking started listening to me, and turned her head. She smiled and asked what the song was. I told her and she said it was peaceful. I just smiled back and agreed. She stood and watched me play for a bit before moving on. She was a little young for me, but seemed very kind, and had no rings on her fingers. She said she's doing open mic nights around town, as am I, so maybe I'll see her again. Life definitely can be good again!
Future, that letter your friend wrote you could have been written for me.
The difference is I've been putting up with it for less time and I haven't been re-inventing myself, just returning to my true nature and improving on the shortfalls.
I've been trying to get you to show a simulated letting go of her and sending the signals that you are truly done. There is a 50/50 chance the WAS wakes up when that happens. If you can't simulate it __________ (fill in your own blank)
Ironic as this may sound, I've been praying that she wakes up before its too late as in my case. Good luck my friend. Whatever happens, strive to keep the new and improved Future.
I hope things work out for you Gnosis. I'm not sure if I care if my W snaps out of it any more. I guess I do, but I'm starting to care more about ME than her or our M. I think that's healthy. I wish I could have faith that the kids will be okay.
I just don't get it. My W and I, we had our problems no doubt, but we had a lot of good things too. It's those things I'm grieving, and I'm just shocked to realize how little those things apparently meant to her.
I did purposely want to put her in crisis over Christmas. I don't think I've posted here what happened last Christmas. It was only ten days after I found out about her A and only a week before she was to move out. I dedicated myself to setting that aside and making Christmas wonderful for the kids. Christmas Eve was really nice, and after we got the kids to bed my W and I wrapped up all the presents and got them under the tree. We were listening to Christmas music. We do really work well together in situations like that.
We were all done with the presents and had the living room looking beautiful. Only the Christmas Tree lights were on, and they were reflecting off all the presents. It was quite a sight. The music was still on and I asked my W if she wanted to dance. She said yes, and we held each other and danced for several songs. We wouldn't look each other in the eye, as we both knew what was going on. The music was over and we stood side by side holding hands for the longest time. Eventually she said she wanted to go to bed, and she said she wanted to sleep with me, the first time in over two months. We slept in the bed together, but didn't really touch. There was so much conflicted emotion in that situation. When I woke up in the morning she was already gone. That was the last time we slept together.
I'm sure she remembers that, and I think it'll probably be weighing on her as she wraps presents by herself and gets them laid under her small artificial tree. Sharing of those times is exactly what she's giving up by doing this.
I also think she'll be contrasting who I was then, weak, broken, and needy, to who I am now, and how it was ME who decided to spend Christmas apart. She laid out some kooky plan where we would do Christmas as a family, and I would sleep on her couch so I could be there when the kids get up. Sorry, but the cake factory is closed. She wants to be apart, then we're apart.
Great Future! I think that your future is not "unknown". I think that your future will be good. I loved your friend's letter, and he is a good friend for writing you--its hard to do that. Finally, after months of hearing about my heroic efforts and my pain, my aunt FINALLY asked me, "Have you had ENOUGH yet?" It took me awhile longer to get that sense in my heart, that YES, I'd had enough, but it was really liberating to get to that point and to move on.
Life is too short to let someone take that much of you for so long. Keep playing the guitar. Remain cordial with your W for the sake of the kids--that's important--but keep yourself whole. Things will come to you if you just let her go.
v1olin, musclegal, Gnosis, luvless, BeingMe, bluerain, Puppy, CityGirl, motherof3, SMQ, and everyone else who has put a bit of themselves into my situation-
Merry Christmas to you too, Future. May the next Christmas be a lot more of a resolved situation. Hey! One can hope, 'eh!?
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
