Future, that letter your friend wrote you could have been written for me.
The difference is I've been putting up with it for less time and I haven't been re-inventing myself, just returning to my true nature and improving on the shortfalls.
I've been trying to get you to show a simulated letting go of her and sending the signals that you are truly done. There is a 50/50 chance the WAS wakes up when that happens. If you can't simulate it __________ (fill in your own blank)
Ironic as this may sound, I've been praying that she wakes up before its too late as in my case. Good luck my friend. Whatever happens, strive to keep the new and improved Future.
I hope things work out for you Gnosis. I'm not sure if I care if my W snaps out of it any more. I guess I do, but I'm starting to care more about ME than her or our M. I think that's healthy. I wish I could have faith that the kids will be okay.
I just don't get it. My W and I, we had our problems no doubt, but we had a lot of good things too. It's those things I'm grieving, and I'm just shocked to realize how little those things apparently meant to her.
I did purposely want to put her in crisis over Christmas. I don't think I've posted here what happened last Christmas. It was only ten days after I found out about her A and only a week before she was to move out. I dedicated myself to setting that aside and making Christmas wonderful for the kids. Christmas Eve was really nice, and after we got the kids to bed my W and I wrapped up all the presents and got them under the tree. We were listening to Christmas music. We do really work well together in situations like that.
We were all done with the presents and had the living room looking beautiful. Only the Christmas Tree lights were on, and they were reflecting off all the presents. It was quite a sight. The music was still on and I asked my W if she wanted to dance. She said yes, and we held each other and danced for several songs. We wouldn't look each other in the eye, as we both knew what was going on. The music was over and we stood side by side holding hands for the longest time. Eventually she said she wanted to go to bed, and she said she wanted to sleep with me, the first time in over two months. We slept in the bed together, but didn't really touch. There was so much conflicted emotion in that situation. When I woke up in the morning she was already gone. That was the last time we slept together.
I'm sure she remembers that, and I think it'll probably be weighing on her as she wraps presents by herself and gets them laid under her small artificial tree. Sharing of those times is exactly what she's giving up by doing this.
I also think she'll be contrasting who I was then, weak, broken, and needy, to who I am now, and how it was ME who decided to spend Christmas apart. She laid out some kooky plan where we would do Christmas as a family, and I would sleep on her couch so I could be there when the kids get up. Sorry, but the cake factory is closed. She wants to be apart, then we're apart.
