Silly - you said: "I spent years and years thinking about my sexuality and developed a clearer picture, I think, than she did in years of trying not to think about it."
I don't mean to discount what you are saying, but "thinking" about your sexuality is not the same as exploring it. I was in the same boat. When I was married before, I thought a lot about my sexuality and what I might "like", things I might like to try, etc.
But then when I met my current husband and actually got to explore my sexuality versus just thinking about it, I found that by exploring, NEW THOUGHTS which would have never occured to me without having experience as well popped up. There are so many facets to my sexuality that it was impossible to know them all without direct exploration. Thinking without experience tends to just lay on the surface. Thinking without experience doesn't involve intimacy and emotions. Its the intimacy and emotions which really pull it all together and cause the exploration...
You are finding this out. I am just making the point that you will continue to surprise yourself over the years, as much as your wife will continue to surprise you and herself (assuming that you two continue to recover).
Even my current husband, who had a crazy, wild, abandoned, bad boy sex life including every fantasy imaginable before I ever met him...is STILL exploring his own sexuality with me in our sex life and learning new things about himself.
The depth of our capacity is bottomless...there will always be more and more to learn about yourself.
