Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Thank God for work today. I'm covering for my boss and have a ton to get done by 3 p.m. when I'm supposed to leave, pick up the girls and head to Wisconsin for the night.

The work is helping because I am extremely sad today. After the holidays come some extremely tough decisions and conversations.

My lease is up at the end of January. Do I quietly reup for another six months? If so, by the end of those the landlords will insist on a year's lease so something really has to be decided by end of July -- R or D.

We have to talk about summer plans for the girls. W likely wants/needs me to help pay for summer camps -- which run between $2,000 to $3,000 a summer. At what I'm paying her now, I can't afford to help BECAUSE I've been saving for a legal retainer. I have $1,700 right now we could use for summer camps, but I can't if we are still headed for a D.

Taxes. It makes sense to file as a married couple to take advantage of the better rates, but I will want half to pay off debt and finish saving for the legal retainer.

Any one of these has the real potential to devolve into an R talk that I still don't want to have yet. Dottie tells me to stay in the present and not make assumptions. These will be serious tests for me.

Maybe it's just the holidays but I find myself wanting W back more than ever. She just loves Christmas and her enthusiasm for it was always infectious. It always kind of washed away the troubles during the rest of the year.

I am, as usual, stressing over things I cannot control and over things that may not happen.

Even last night. I may have caught W off guard on the invitation to church. I haven't invited her to anything in more than two months. Plus, it was her only night to get a few final things done for Christmas, so she may not have been playing me, she may have genuinely had errands to run.

The conversations above. She may not ask for help for summer camps and just send me the dates she took off. She may handle it all on her own -- with help from her mother.

The taxes thing, perhaps she'll go to H&R Block or something like that.

And she may file for a D right after the holidays. I don't know what is next for me and that's really scary.

Back to work. At least I got a good note from my boss this morning. She loves my end of decade project.