The Truth Hurts

[CountingCrows]

Well, I spent over 2 hours typing out a post last night, only to stupidly hit refresh while I was looking at the preview. There's no way I can do it again, so I'll attempt to summarize what I wrote.

1. I had a long, hard talk on the phone with W yesterday. I gave her one final chance to be completely and totally...brutally honest with me. I remained calm and collected throughout the entire conversation.

2. Knowing that I knew the truth (but not how much I knew), and that I would know that she was lying, she finally was open and honest about every affair and sexual encounter starting with the present and going back 2.5 years. Not down to the gory details for each one, but still enough to burn to my core, hearing directly from her mouth all the betrayals I knew to be true. All of her admissions were consistent with the facts I already knew from my combined intel. She even admitted to a additional encounter that I didn't know about.

3. W didn't try to make excuses, place blame or "explain away" any of her actions. Some of the encounters she admitted were obviously huge sources of shame and regret. She occasionally hesitated as she clinically went through each and every incident, but she kept going until we got to the beginning of her adulterous acts. I asked about a situation from about 5 years ago, and she denied it. I've since confirmed with someone who was there that she's telling the truth about that one.

4. I told her that our marriage was over, that I can't live in an open marriage and can't remain a husband to someone who could betray, lie and deceive me like she has. She has destroyed our M. My self integrity and self-respect will never allow me to get past her blatant disregard for our commitment to each other. It's a deal-breaker for me, and it's time for me to move forward with my life without her. I won't be her doormat or safety net anymore.

5. Despite the agonizing pain of the conversation, I also felt a sense of relief and empowerment coming from these lies and secrets finally being revealed. The only path forward has been made absolutely clear to me.

6. It's time to cut the cancer out of my life. I must hold on to the good memories of the past and flush away these toxins that have nearly destroyed me. I have to go on with my life. I must continue to improve myself and focus on being the best man and father that I can be.

7. After we said goodbye, I hurt worse and cried harder than I have throughout this entire situation. I acknowledged and embraced the pain and grief, allowing myself to feel it overwhelm me, knowing that it was necessary before I can truly accept what has happened as reality, rather than just a horrible nightmare.

8. A while after our talk, I texted W thanking her for finally being honest with me. She replied back thanking me for not flipping out and turning into a homicidal freak, which would be completely within the realm of understanding considering what she had done.

Damn...last night's message was so much better, and explained things in much more detail, but this is all I'm capable of this morning. I'm hurting and grieving for what has happened to my marriage and the loss of my wife, but I need to spend some time with my precious son and attempt to give him the best Christmas he can have under the circumstances.

I hope that all of you have the best Christmas you can have under each of your circumstances as well. You are certainly not alone in your pain.