Well, my situation didn't include my H as he had moved out of the house almost a year before my ordeal started. He was heavily invested in another R and I had gone dark on him. Legally we were in a horrible battle, he had nearly wiped our bank account clean due to his spending on OW, moved twice without telling me, took our only car without any legal agreement in place and a variety of other things that are in the past that I try and separate myself from.
I also have a disease called Systemic Lupus so my health wasn't that great at the time under "normal" circumstances.
My H became so cruel to me, emotionally abusive as I have realized, that it would have only made things worse. When I was hospitalized he did come against my wishes and it sent me in such a tailspin my BIL and the ER physician eventually had to tell him to leave.
I really wasn't trying to imply that *you* should do something to help her. I was simply trying to paint a picture of what it feels like to be so depressed and filled with anxiety/panic you don't know which way is up.
Obviously the R between a grown child (me and my mom for example) and a parent is far different than the R between spouses.
If your W chooses to get help for her depression issues all I can really suggest is you support her as a PERSON and not so much as your W. It is a terrifying journey to take (getting help I mean).
I was terrified of medication for my anxiety. My psych took a very hard but kind stance with me... he basically told me he had a 6 month waiting list to be seen, he opened up the office for me at night and it would be his honor to be part of my recovery but I had to follow his four part plan or else don't waste his time. At that point I was so relieved *somebody* had a plan I would have stood on my head and sang the ABC's if that is what he told me to do.
This was a year ago and I am still on that four prong plan. I am very proud to say the regime of meds I was on has been decreased by 80% and the goal is to be off them totally within the next few months. But being weaned off meds is a process that must be followed as per the medical professional you are working with.
You cannot make your W do anything. I know you know that. If she does choose to address her depression issues all I can really suggest is you be there for her as a PERSON and not worry about the wife/R aspect. I know when I was in that state I could not even decide if I wanted to eat an apple or an orange let alone make any sort of sound decision about important matters.
I can openly admit I was terribly self destructive and foolish to not reach out for help. Looking back I cannot believe I allowed myself to suffer that way for so long. Yes, my H's actions post bomb put tremendous stress on me however I must take accountability for ME and not getting the help I know I needed.
I really am not trying to say you should do "this" or "that". I can't imagine how frustrating and upsetting it must be to know your W might need some help and she refuses and simply wants to run and lash out.
